


Cinco 5 Cinq

by WhatsUpDocWatson



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Analingus, Awkward Kissing, Case Fic, Developing Relationship, Dirty Talk, Domestic Fluff, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Frottage, Frustrated Sherlock, Hand Jobs, Holmes brothers are good with kids, Humor, Jealous John Watson, Jealous Sherlock, Jealousy, John feels guilty, John is always horny, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Masturbation, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Non-Consensual Kissing, Oral Sex, Other, Past Drug Addiction, Protective John Watson, Protective Sherlock Holmes, Red Pants Monday, Relating Sexual Fantasies to Partner, Relationship(s), Rimming, Safer Sex, Safewords, Season/Series 05, Sex Toys, Sexual Fantasy, Sherlock and Rosie both likes biscuits, Sherlock doesn't help with chores, Sherlock likes kissing a lot, Sherlock's Mind Palace, Shower Sex, Smut, Sneaky John Watson, Teasing, Wanting to be a better partner
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:02:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 65,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23387083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatsUpDocWatson/pseuds/WhatsUpDocWatson
Summary: Fluff and Smut at 221b Baker Street, post Season/Series 4.Some angst, the occasional mystery, but mostly fluff and smut. Fluffy smut.This speculative fiction is written in a script format.This is a Work In Progress and I plan on finishing it. Chapter 18 planned for late March 2021.
Relationships: Molly Hooper/Original Female Character(s), Mycroft Holmes/Greg Lestrade, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson
Comments: 17
Kudos: 43





	1. Foot Massage

**Author's Note:**

> I feel I should give a "Fluff Warning." Absolutely everything is fluffy: Fluffy smut, fluffy angst, fluffy humor, fluffy fluff. Even the mysteries (which are few and far between) are a bit fluffy.
> 
> I am American, and even though I try my best to write using as many Britishisms as I can, I know I have MUCH MORE to learn about UK English phrasing, terminology, slang, colloquial sayings, etc. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! (I'll need to stick to American spelling and punctuation for now, though.) And if you see any typos, let me know. Thanks in advance. 
> 
> SMUT: The smut won't show up until a few chapters in (Chapter 8 onward), but when it does it will be both explicit and fluffy. I will label it well for those folks who would like to avoid it (or find it more easily). And I should let you know that Sherlock and John talk waaaay too much during sex, those ninnies.
> 
> I hope that someday I'll read all of Arthur Conan Doyle "Sherlock Holmes" stories and incorporate elements of them into my own work. I apologize for the lack of decent mysteries here.
> 
> This fiction is written in script format, but I cannot get it to format correctly here. I'll try to make it is accessible as I can.
> 
> Enjoy!

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - FRIDAY NIGHT

UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

John quietly closes Rosie's door and descends the stairs. 

SITTING ROOM

Sherlock lies on the sofa, head against the armrest, fingers steepled in thought. John approaches the sofa.

JOHN  
(sighs)  
Scoot over please, Sherlock. Scoot.

  
Sherlock bends his knees to make room. John sits down heavily on the sofa, leaning his head against the wall.

JOHN  
I'm so exhausted and Rosie took forever to fall asleep.

  
SHERLOCK  
Then why not turn in for the night?

JOHN  
Well, I feel like I haven't even seen you in a couple of days, let alone had a proper chat. 

Sherlock smiles at this. John rubs his forehead and yawns.

JOHN  
I spend all day listening to people go on and on about their health problems... which reminds me, how are you feeling?

SHERLOCK  
(smirking)  
I thought you were done hearing about people's health problems for the day.

JOHN  
Well... perhaps I wouldn't mind hearing one more.

SHERLOCK  
(sighing)  
Well, if you must know...

JOHN  
Yes?

SHERLOCK  
A bit antsy tonight. Planning to head downstairs to analyze something for a case, but I'm too... unfocused. I may need to resort to a patch, I'm afraid.

JOHN  
It's admirable how you've tried to tackle all your addictions at once... I know it hasn't been easy, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
(looking kindly at John)  
Got a lot easier once you and Rosie moved in.

JOHN  
God bless Mrs H for renting you the basement for your experiments, 'cause Rosie toddling around teething on decomposing toes and spilling cyanide all over the place wasn't going to happen. 

SHERLOCK  
John, I never once had cyanide in the house.

John shoots him a dirty look.

SHERLOCK  
But I catch your drift. Nonetheless, this recovery thing has been easier to take with you two here. A welcome distraction, you Watsons are.

  
JOHN  
Hmm. It's been easier being here, too. I don't think I could do this single parent thing on my own.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh, you do fine. And I'm hardly a help...

John starts to protest but Sherlock talks over him.

SHERLOCK  
No, it's true. Let's not pretend your flatmate has ever made your life easier, John Watson.

  
JOHN  
Fine. But all the same, it IS easier living here. Seriously. I was a wreck trying to raise Rosie on my own, with Mary gone.  
(pause, lost in thought)  
Tell me about your new case, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock steeples his hands again in thought. He forgets himself and flops his feet onto John's lap. John gestures in annoyance but Sherlock doesn't notice. John gives up and leans back, eyes closed, head against the wall in exhaustion.

SHERLOCK  
A serial art thief, nothing too serious, just hitting up private residential collections of French Impressionists... but very well researched. She's cased them out meticulously; studied up.

  
JOHN  
She?

SHERLOCK  
Oh yes, Scotland Yard already has a suspect: a first year uni student, international student, from Cambodia. But they haven't been able to pin anything on her yet. That's where I come in. She's clever this one. She does this trick where she changes her shoes at the crime scene... well, half a block from the crime scene. Cheap Chinatown shower slippers. A different pair every time. It makes it impossible to follow her footsteps as she flees--

Sherlock stops short, staring curiously at John. John is absentmindedly massaging Sherlock's feet.

SHERLOCK  
John?

  
John's eyes snap open and he realizes what he's doing. He stops immediately and glances at Sherlock, embarrassed.

  
JOHN  
Sorry, force of habit. I always rub Rosie's feet when she's agitated. It calms her down. Sorry.

  
SHERLOCK  
Hm. It seems to work, though.

  
JOHN  
Please continue, I'm listening.

  
SHERLOCK  
Only if you continue with the... agitation-reducing foot thing.

  
JOHN  
(annoyed)  
Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
I'm waiting.

JOHN  
Sherlock, come on.

  
Sherlock glares at John demandingly.

  
JOHN  
Fine. I'm too tired to argue with cranky toddlers.

John resumes the foot massage and Sherlock smiles smugly, triumphantly. 

  
SHERLOCK  
That's better. Where was I? Ah yes. So, we can't seem to figure out how or where she's handing off the stolen merchandise. Officer Nazir thinks it must be a family member, but the girl's got no relations here in London, or anywhere it Europe.

  
JOHN  
(yawning and closing eyes again)  
Nazir? Lestrade has you teamed up with her a lot. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, well, she's seems to be the only one who can put up with my quirks... she has the potential to be a halfway decent police inspector if she'd only put her mind to it... and she's the only officer who doesn't mind when I mistakenly call them 'John'.

  
JOHN  
(smiling)  
How often does that happen?

  
SHERLOCK  
(hesitantly)  
Three, four times a day. On average.

  
John snickers and Sherlock is pleased he's made John laugh.

  
JOHN  
So, your young thief's got no relations... what about the roommate?

  
SHERLOCK  
(intrigued)  
Sorry, what?

JOHN  
(stifling a yawn)  
Her uni roommate. You said she's an international student, but knows no one here in London. Buys Chinatown plastic slippers, so she's probably not from a wealthy family either. She must have a roommate.

  
SHERLOCK  
I said she purchases plastic slippers for her heist jobs --that's different. But I think you might be on to something.

  
Sherlock digs his phone out of his pocket and types away hurriedly. His text reads:

NEED TO INVESTIGATE THE UNI ROOMMATE

SHERLOCK  
(talking a mile a minute)  
We know our Cambodian student isn't working alone. She carries out the thefts... but someone else is fencing the stolen art ... but who? The roommate, you say? None of the missing art pieces have surfaced yet, but it's just a matter of time. Somebody is going be too excited by their new acquisition to keep mum. We'll have a leak by the end of the month, I'm sure.

Sherlock receives a text. It reads:  
CHRIST HOLMES. IT'S MIDNIGHT. WE CAN DO THIS TOMORROW

Sherlock texts back, it reads:  
FINE BUT I PLAN TO TEXT YOU ALL NIGHT SO TURN OFF PHONE IF NEED BE

The reply reads:  
EXACTLY

SHERLOCK  
So, is the Cambodian student responsible for researching the art pieces and their owners? Or only carrying out the actual theft? Is someone putting her up to it? Is she being coerced? Yes, she's very good at her craft, but there's no panache ... there's a distinct lack of flair that hints at an underlying feeling of dissatisfaction with her situation. Is that it? Yes, I think you may have stumbled onto something very interesting here, John... John? You've stopped with the feet thing again, John.

  
Sherlock lifts his head to look at his flatmate. John's asleep, head leaning against the wall.

SHERLOCK  
(loudly)  
John?

JOHN  
Huuh?

  
SHERLOCK  
Time for you to go to bed, John.

  
JOHN  
(yawning)  
I'll just sleep here.

SHERLOCK  
No, no, no. Granted, I've spent many nights on this sofa and know it's serviceable... but you... you, my friend, are a man who craves routine... and creature comforts. This will never do.

JOHN  
(sleepily)  
Too tired to go upstairs. 

  
Sherlock rises to his feet and John immediately lies down, taking up the whole sofa.

  
SHERLOCK

(flummoxed)  
If you must, John. Let me at least switch on the baby monitor for you... and get you some sort of blanket.

  
Sherlock bustles about the room turning on the monitor, grabbing the Union Jack pillow and a throw blanket. John starts to snore.  
Sherlock stands over John and throws the blanket over John uncertainly. 

  
JOHN  
(half-asleep, satisfied with blanket)  
Mmmmm.

SHERLOCK  
Okay, can we get this pillow under your head, please? Your neck will thank you for it tomorrow morning.

  
Sherlock bends over to position the pillow under John's head. John, still half-asleep, raises his head and grabs Sherlock's collar. He plants a kiss on the side of Sherlock's mouth.

JOHN  
(falling back asleep)  
Thanks Sherl.

  
Sherlock straightens up in a hurry, blinking in confusion. He gazes down at his sleeping friend with trepidation.

  
SHERLOCK  
(quietly but admonishingly)  
What's come over you tonight, John? First the feet thing and now this?

John doesn't respond; he's sound asleep. Sherlock paces the room, glancing occasionally at John. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(sighing)  
Well, I'll certainly need a nicotine patch now. Probably two. Thanks a lot, John.

  
Sherlock dims the sitting room lights and heads to the kitchen. He glances back one more time at John's sleeping figure before disappearing to the back of the flat. 


	2. John Blames it on Sleep Deprivation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock spends the better part of two scenes pestering John and ruffling feathers. We are introduced to new characters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two scenes. New characters. An increasingly agitated John Watson. All fluffy. Enjoy!

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - MORNING

  
Rosie sits in her booster seat banging with a spoon and picking up pieces of dry cereal with her other hand. John is cooking at the stove.

  
JOHN  
Just hold on. Your eggs are almost ready, Rosie darling.

Sherlock stumbles into the kitchen looking tired.

JOHN  
Good morning, Sherlock.

  
ROSIE  
Sherk!

Sherlock shuffles over and gives Rosie a kiss on the head and begins to make himself tea. He sits down at the table watching John suspiciously. John brings over scrambles eggs for Rosie and catches Sherlock's expression.

  
JOHN  
(confused)  
What?

  
Sherlock sips his tea and doesn't answer. John gives up and returns to the stove.

  
JOHN  
Want any eggs?

  
SHERLOCK  
How are the eggs, Rosie?

  
ROSIE  
Yummm.

  
SHERLOCK  
(to John)  
Yes, please.

  
JOHN  
Really? Okay then.

  
John cracks eggs into the pan and gets cooking.

  
SHERLOCK  
How was sleeping on the sofa?

  
JOHN  
Not perfect, but I survived.

  
SHERLOCK  
Any interesting dreams?

  
JOHN  
Not really.   
(glances over shoulder at Sherlock)  
Why are you asking?

ROSIE  
Apple!

SHERLOCK  
I'll get you some apple, Rosie.

  
Sherlock goes to slice up an apple for Rosie. When he returns to sit at the table, John has brought them each a plate of eggs and toast.  
John begins eating but Sherlock still stares at him with suspicion. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Do you remember anything from last night?

JOHN  
I remember being utterly knackered and you telling me about a case. I think I fell asleep partway through. 

  
Rosie fusses. John hands Rosie some toasts and she coos happily. 

  
JOHN  
Is this what your little snit is all about this morning? Are you mad I fell asleep during your explanation? I told you I was tired...

  
SHERLOCK  
Do you remember the feet thing?

  
JOHN  
(exasperated)  
Yes. And I already apologized for it, if I recall. But I also seem to remember you insisting I continue with the foot rub.  
(rolling eyes)  
I promise it will never happen again, your highness.

  
SHERLOCK  
You kissed me.

  
JOHN  
(sternly)  
What?

  
SHERLOCK  
You. Kissed. Me.

  
JOHN  
I did not.

  
Rosie blows kisses insistently. John sighs and leans over to kiss Rosie on the head.

  
JOHN  
Yes, Rosie, I kiss you. Not Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
Nonetheless, you kissed me last night.

  
JOHN  
(dismissively)  
Well, I don't remember.

  
SHERLOCK  
You insisted on sleeping on the sofa, I tried to make you comfy with a blanket and a pillow, and you kissed me and said "Thank you Sherl".

  
JOHN  
(embarrassed)  
I honesty do not remember. I was asleep! I was probably dreaming.

  
SHERLOCK  
Do you often dream about me?

  
JOHN  
For Christ's sake! I could have been dreaming about anyone!

  
SHERLOCK  
Hmmm... All those names that start with Sherl... Let's see. Shirley, Sharon, Sherlick, Sharif.  
(gasping)   
Was it Omar Sharif? He was so dashing, wasn't he?

  
John is clearly angry.

  
JOHN  
(trying to keep cool)  
Maybe I mistook you for Mary tucking me in. Or anyone, literally anyone else! I was sleep deprived after a week from hell while my friend nattered on about shower shoes and fencing stolen art...  
(inhaling deeply for clarity)  
All I know is I did not purposely kiss you.

  
SHERLOCK  
But still, you kissed me.

  
JOHN  
Shut up about the bloody kiss already!

  
ROSIE  
(making kissy noises)  
Mwah!

  
SHERLOCK  
(turning to her)  
Okay, my turn. I kiss Rosie, but not John.

  
John stabs at his eggs, perturbed.

  
JOHN  
Finish up breakfast Rosie, we have a big day ahead of us. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(breezily)  
What's the plan today?

  
JOHN  
(side-glance to Sherlock in annoyance)  
Rosie and I have a playdate with Dorian and Audrey at the playground, don't we Rosie?

  
SHERLOCK  
(shoveling eggs into his mouth)  
Great, I'll join you.

  
JOHN  
Why on earth...?!

  
SHERLOCK  
It's a beautiful day! Some fresh air would do me good!

  
JOHN  
You barely get along with Audrey.

  
SHERLOCK  
I think she's finally getting over "the little incident", don't you?

  
JOHN  
No, I don't think she has. And don't you have a big case to work on, anyway? 

  
SHERLOCK  
Bah, apparently Scotland Yard likes to take it easy on the weekends, even if crime never sleeps. There's not much I can do today until Lestrade and Nazir decide to respond to my texts. My many, many, texts. So, it looks like I'm all yours.

  
Sherlock grins from ear to ear. John frowns. Rosie drops her spoon on the ground.

  
ROSIE  
Ut-oh. Waaahhh!

  
JOHN  
Oh Rosie.

  
John leans down to retrieve it, and Sherlock is quickly at his side, picking it up as well. They both hold the spoon and Sherlock attempts to gaze deeply into John's eyes. John glowers at him.

  
JOHN  
Let go, you prat.

  
Sherlock hold the stare a moment longer and John yanks the spoon out of his hand. 

  
JOHN  
Okay, Rosie, let's go get ready.

  
John stands, places Rosie on his hip, and moves all the dishes (except for Sherlock's) to the sink. Sherlock scrolls through his phone while finishing his breakfast.

  
JOHN  
(muttering as he carries Rosie out of the kitchen)  
With any luck, he'll forget all about us in the next five minutes.

  
EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY

  
AUDREY and ANGELINE, two parents from Rosie's nursery school, watch the children play in the sandpit. Rosie, DORIAN, and MICA (ages 2-3) are having a great time with shovels, pails, and other sand toys. Sherlock and John stand side by side in the background also watching the kids.

Sherlock "accidentally" brushes against John's shoulder. John sidesteps away and sips coffee.

  
ANGELINE  
John seems nice, him and his... boyfriend? What's his name again?

  
AUDREY  
(sighing)  
Sherlock. They aren't a couple, though.

  
ANGELINE  
(surprised)  
Really? I just assumed...

  
Audrey shrugs apologetically. 

  
ANGELINE  
(gesturing towards Sherlock)  
Does he always wear a suit to the playground?

  
AUDREY  
Always! Although I've seen him pick up Rosie from school a couple of times in his pajamas... it's either one extreme of the other. I bet he's never worn a pair of jeans in his life.

  
Both women chuckle.

Dorian runs by Sherlock and John. Sherlock picks Dorian up and twirls the kiddo around; Dorian squeals with glee. Dorian's flailing legs hit John, knocking his coffee out of his hand.

  
JOHN  
Jesus, Sherlock!

  
Sherlock quickly sets down Dorian and rushes to John, fussing over him.

  
SHERLOCK  
So sorry, John! Let me help you. Oh dear, did you burn your hand?

  
Sherlock holds John's wrist gently and tries to catch his eye, staring intently. 

JOHN  
Quit it. Just quit it!

  
Angeline and Audrey, who have watched this whole exchange, glance at each other knowingly.

  
AUDREY  
(shaking head)  
I don't even know anymore with those two.

  
Mica runs up to Angeline.

  
MICA  
Mummy! Loo! Loo!

  
ANGELINE  
Okay, okay, let's go find the toilets.

  
AUDREY  
Mica, I'm impressed! Already potty training! The toilets are down that path there, Angeline. Dorian! Do you want to try to use the potty? Mica's going.

  
DORIAN  
No!

AUDREY  
(to Angeline)  
See? Absolutely no interest in potty training.

ANGELINE  
It will happen someday.

Angeline and Mica head off.

ROSIE  
Rosie go! Rosie go!

  
JOHN  
You're still in diapers, Rosie. You're a bit too young for the potty.

  
Rosie starts crying. John rubs his face in despair.   
Sherlock grabs the diaper bag and rushes over to Rosie, picking her up.

  
SHERLOCK  
Really, John! She just wants to see what the fuss is about. I'll change her nappy while we're there.  
(hollering)  
Mica and Angeline, wait for us!

  
Sherlock, carrying Rosie, rushes after Angeline and Mica. John wanders over to Audrey. Audrey has a questioning grin on her face.

  
AUDREY  
Okay, John. What's going on with you and Sherlock?

  
JOHN  
(glancing away)  
I don't know what you mean.

  
Audrey clears her throat. John glances back at her, and she narrows her eyes at him.

  
JOHN  
It's all Sherlock, I swear! I don't know what's gotten into him today, and frankly it's driving me batty.

  
AUDREY  
I've been willing to take you at your word, John --

  
JOHN  
Audrey, please.

  
AUDREY  
But it's getting harder and harder to believe that the two of you aren't an item. Really, your body language alone --

  
JOHN  
Sherlock's. Sherlock's body language.

  
AUDREY  
And yours too, John. And not only today either. Although today really takes the cake.

  
JOHN  
(rubbing his face)  
Ugghh!

Dorian wears a sand pail as a hat and marches around them singing.

  
AUDREY  
I've known you for... what? Nearly two years? And you've never mentioned a girlfriend or anyone you're dating. I only ever hear about Sherlock.

  
JOHN  
I'm a bloody widower and a single parent. You think you could cut me some slack, Audrey! It's not exactly easy going out and meeting people, you know!

  
AUDREY  
(calmly)  
I know. That's why I invited Angeline along today.

  
JOHN  
(taken aback, glancing down the path)  
Oh!... Is she... single?

  
AUDREY  
Yes, yes she is. Single. And smart, and cute, and charming. My whole plan today was for you two to get to know each other better. But...

  
JOHN  
Sherlock's invited himself along and ruined everything. Of course. Not the first time.

  
AUDREY  
Oh really?

  
JOHN  
He's shown up on my dates before. More than once.

  
AUDREY  
That's... that's weirdly possessive or something. 

  
JOHN  
It's something all right. He's a nutter.

  
AUDREY  
I'm well aware of that.

  
JOHN  
I feel bad that you two started off on the wrong foot... you know... the incident. 

  
AUDREY  
Well, I'll get over it eventually. But for today...

  
JOHN  
Hm? Yes?

  
AUDREY  
If you could possibly pull yourself away from Sherlock to chat with Angeline a bit...

  
JOHN  
(winking)  
I'll see what I can do.

  
Rosie and Mica come toddling up the path. Angeline and Sherlock follow. Angeline is laughing and patting Sherlock's arm. John straightens his outfit to be more presentable. 

  
ANGELINE  
Sherlock has been telling me all about you, John.

  
John smiles brightly at Angeline.

  
ANGELINE  
Regaling me with stories about all your adventures together.

  
John's smile falters a bit.

  
SHERLOCK  
Not to worry, John. Just the embarrassing bits. Angeline, I didn't tell you about the time John got stuck with an ASBO for graffitiing.

  
ANGELINE  
(giggling)  
You'll have to tell me about that one.

  
John's mouth sets into a grim line.

  
SHERLOCK  
But John thinks I'm picking on him, now. So to be fair... Let's see, something embarrassing about me... Oh! One time I ended up in Buckingham Palace wrapped only in a bedsheet.

  
ANGELINE  
Oh my God!

  
Angeline hoots with laughter and grabs Sherlock's arm to steady herself. Sherlock beams proudly. Audrey sighs heavily and walks off in defeat. John frowns and head over to join the kids, plopping down grumpily in the sandpit.

  
SHERLOCK  
(to Angeline)  
My brother was there and was none too pleased. Kept shoving a stack of clothes in my face yelling, "Sherlock Holmes! Put on your trousers!"

  
Sherlock and Angeline continue laughing together.


	3. Kitchen Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John confronts Sherlock about his behavior, with interesting results. Followed by much discussion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now we're finally getting somewhere!

INT. 221B BAKER STREET KITCHEN - SUNDAY NIGHT

  
John washes dishes at the sink. 

  
SHERLOCK (O.S. OFF SCREEN)  
John?

  
John jumps at the sound of Sherlock's voice. He rolls his eyes and exhales sharply, not pleased. Sherlock pops his head into the kitchen. He is already in his pajamas and a robe, or perhaps he's worn them all day.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh, here you are. Can I help?

  
JOHN  
(salty)  
No, not really. As always, your timing is perfect... showing up to help when I'm just about done.

  
SHERLOCK  
(smiling)  
Well, I can do some drying at least.

  
Sherlock leans awkwardly over John to reach the hanging drying towel. His chest grazes against John's back. John grimaces. He lets the pot he's washing clatter in the sink, and whips around to face Sherlock.

  
JOHN  
(erupting in anger)  
Okay! That is quite enough!

  
Sherlock takes a step back in shock, holding the towel limply. John yanks off his rubber gloves and slaps them on the counter.

  
JOHN  
All weekend long you've been up in my face, looming over me, glued to my side! I am sick of it!

Sherlock is stunned. John pokes him in the chest with his finger.

  
JOHN  
You ruined, RUINED my chances with Angeline yesterday. And this morning Mrs Hudson was so put off by you staring at me so creepily that she left without a word, not that you even noticed! Well, let's see how you like it, huh? 

  
SHERLOCK  
Okay, now hold on, John...

John steps right up to Sherlock and glares angrily into his face, while making a grab for Sherlock's wrist.

  
JOHN  
I know all about your little tricks, Sherlock! I know what you're up to, I'm not that stupid. Intense eye contact... you looking for dilating pupils... Give me your wrist, damn it.

  
Sherlock surrenders the hand still holding the dish towel. John takes hold of his wrist, expertly.

  
JOHN  
(snidely)  
Measuring you "victim's" arousal by checking for an elevated pulse--

  
John cuts off. His brow furrows as he stares at Sherlock's wrist, indeed feeling Sherlock's elevated pulse. John cautiously peaks up at Sherlock's eyes. Sherlock looks frankly scared to death (in the best possible way). John's gaze settles on Sherlock's lips.

John rises up on his toes, places one hand on Sherlock's shoulder to steady himself, and tentatively, gently kisses him.

After the short kiss, John smiles and takes the towel out of Sherlock's hand. Sherlock tries to grab at John's wrist, frantically and repeatedly. His antics amuse John.

  
JOHN  
(quietly, chuckling)  
Stop, Sherlock. Stop it. Really. You don't need to check my pulse to see if I'm attracted to you, that's what the kiss was for.

  
SHERLOCK  
(frustrated)  
No, that's NOT what that kiss was for. That kiss was some sort of test. What, or who, you were testing... I'm not quite sure.

  
John smiles impishly and licks his lips.

  
JOHN  
Okay then. That's what this kiss is for.

  
John tugs on Sherlock's robe collar to bring Sherlock's mouth closer to his own, kissing him again. This kiss is longer, more intense. John's hand travels the nape of Sherlock's neck and into his dark curls. Sherlock, unsure of what to do with his hands, finally settles them on John's hips. Sherlock gently presses his body into John as the kiss continues.

  
John breaks off the kiss, steps back, and grins hugely, like the cat who caught the canary. Sherlock, wild-eyed, paces the kitchen in agitation. 

  
SHERLOCK  
What happens now?

  
JOHN  
Well... I don't really know.

  
SHERLOCK  
You don't know! What do you mean, you don't know?!   
(sarcastically)  
I'm John Watson! I know everything about relationships, I've had a million of them!

  
John is too chuffed having the upper hand (for once) to be annoyed. He leans against the counter watching Sherlock pace.

  
JOHN  
Hmmm... a relationship, Sherlock?

  
Sherlock freezes, alarmed that he's let his true feelings slip; but John decides to let him off the hook.

  
JOHN  
(sighing, calmly)  
Well, we'll need to discuss things. There'll be loads of discussions, actually.

  
SHERLOCK  
(continuing pacing, in serious thought)  
Okay, where do we begin?

  
JOHN  
For starters, we'll need to decide if this little interaction we just had was a one-time thing, or something we'd like to continue in the future.

  
SHERLOCK  
(quickly)  
Yes.

  
JOHN  
Er... 'yes' to which?

  
SHERLOCK  
(pausing his pacing momentarily)  
Yes to continuing.

  
John smiles happily to himself.

  
JOHN  
Okay, you liked the kissing, I see. So that's settled.

  
SHERLOCK  
(relieved)  
Oh good.

  
JOHN  
No, that's just the beginning Sherlock. Lots more to talk about... and it probably won't get all done tonight, it is getting rather late.

  
Sherlock throws back his head and groans. John sighs again.

  
SHERLOCK  
(pacing again)  
What else is there, John?

  
JOHN  
Where to begin? Since you brought up "relationships", let's define that a bit. Will this merely be a flatmates-that-kiss thing, or something more substantial? What kind of relationship do we want to have? Casual or Serious? Strings-attached or no strings-attached? Romantic? Physical? Sexual? Exclusive or not-exclusive? Will we be "boyfriends" or some other label? Will we want to make it public or keep it on the down low?

  
Sherlock stops pacing and stands in front of John. There's a wary look on Sherlock's face, but also a glint in his eye.

  
SHERLOCK  
You seemed to have that little speech all ready to go, didn't you?

  
JOHN  
(cockily)  
Well, I am the relationship expert, after all.   
(turning serious)  
Like I said, Sherlock. It's a lot. There's probably a thousand other things I've not thought of, as well. Each one of them warrants a discussion... although usually not all at once. Relationships tend to evolve over time, you know.  
(thoughtful pause)  
And it's not like we're starting at zero.

  
SHERLOCK  
Please elaborate.

  
JOHN  
We've been friends for over a decade now. Been through quite a lot during that time. That'll affect things.

  
SHERLOCK  
For better or worse?

  
JOHN  
(shrugs)  
A little bit of both, I guess. We'll find out, won't we?

John smiles a little sadly up at Sherlock.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock, it's late. I'm tired. We should each sleep on this anyway. We can continue this discussion when we're fresh.

  
SHERLOCK  
But when exactly?

  
JOHN  
Tomorrow.

  
SHERLOCK  
Won't you be at work?  
(petulantly)  
You aren't the only one who works. I have a job, too, you know.

  
JOHN  
(yawning)  
We'll find a time. Please, I need to sleep.

  
SHERLOCK  
(a little naughtily)  
Can I get a goodnight kiss, first?

  
JOHN  
(snickering)  
Wow, you REALLY like kissing, don't you?

  
SHERLOCK  
Good deduction, Watson.

  
JOHN  
I think two kisses is enough to start, don't you think?

  
SHERLOCK  
Er... three. You've kissed me three times in the last 47-hours. Twice here in the kitchen and once half-asleep Friday night on the sofa. Three. It appears that there's someone else here that enjoys kissing, as well.

  
JOHN  
Fine, fine, fine. But, there will be no more kissing until we have our proper talk, is that clear?

  
SHERLOCK  
(sighing, resigned)  
Yes, sir.

  
JOHN  
Good.  
(subdued)  
Well... good night, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
(softly)  
Good night, John.

  
John leaves. Sherlock remains standing in the middle of the kitchen, lost in thought about all that has transpired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock really does like kissing.  
> Sooo much relationship analysis, and even more to come (for better or worse).


	4. The Lunch Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows your first date should be a lunch date. Sherlock and John have important things to discuss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A meeting in the park, much to talk through.

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - UPSTAIRS STAIRWELL /LANDING - MONDAY MORNING

  
John holds Rosie's hand walking down the stairs and pushes open the kitchen door.

  
JOHN  
Are you hungry? Let's get some breakfast.

  
INT. KITCHEN

  
ROSIE  
Sherk!

  
Sherlock sits at the kitchen table looking grumpily at a cup of tea. Rosie runs over and climbs onto his lap. She helps herself to the biscuit Sherlock hasn't finished.

SHERLOCK  
Good morning, Rosie.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock! What are you doing up so early? 

  
John hustles to get out breakfast and items for Rosie's packed lunch. He looks over at Sherlock, questioningly.

JOHN  
Did you sleep at all last night?

  
SHERLOCK  
Maybe. Can't remember.

  
JOHN  
(admonishingly)  
Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
I had things on my mind, John.

  
JOHN  
(sighing)  
We should have just stayed up and talked then.  
(picking up Rosie)  
Up you go!

John plops her in her booster seat, wipes off biscuit crumbs, and sets down her breakfast. He hurries back to the counter to continue packing up.

SHERLOCK  
(cranky)  
But you were too tired to talk, remember? You needed your beauty rest.

  
JOHN  
Well, I didn't end up getting much sleep either to be honest. Things on my mind.

  
SHERLOCK  
So, can we do the relationship talk now?

John glances at his watch.

  
JOHN  
I don't know Sherlock, I've got to get Rosie to nursery--

  
SHERLOCK  
(interrupting)  
The answer to everything is 'yes', anyway.

  
JOHN  
That's not actually helpful. Or possible. Some of those things were mutually exclusive. A relationship can't be both casual and serious at the same time, for one.

  
SHERLOCK  
(exasperated)  
I meant 'yes' to all the important things, of course.

  
JOHN  
(annoyed)  
Sherlock!

  
ROSIE  
(parroting John)  
Sherk!

  
SHERLOCK  
(to both)  
What?

  
JOHN  
(attempting to be calm)  
We have to decide things together. Look, come meet me at the park near Barts at lunchtime. 12:30? Please? It's the best I can do today. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Fine.

  
JOHN  
Good.

  
SHERLOCK  
Can I have my kiss now, please?

  
ROSIE  
(blowing kisses)  
Mwah! Mwah!

  
John walk over and kisses Rosie on the top of the head.

  
JOHN  
One for you.

  
John then leans over to kiss Sherlock on the top of the head, too.

  
JOHN  
And one for you.

  
SHERLOCK  
(mumbling)  
That's not what I meant.

  
John wrinkles his nose; Sherlock is a little ripe.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock, perhaps a shower and a nap are in order, before we meet up, hmm? Rosie! Time to go.

  
Sherlock shoots John a sour look. John collects Rosie and their things for the day, about to leave the kitchen.

  
JOHN  
Bye, Sherlock, see you at lunch.

  
ROSIE  
Bye-bye!

  
SHERLOCK  
Bye-eee!

  
They leave. Sherlock moodily contemplates his tea once again. He sniffs his shirt to see if John is right. Yep, a little too ripe.

  
EXT. PARK NEAR BARTS - DAY

  
John sits on a bench looking around expectantly. He spies Sherlock approaching. Sherlock has spruced up considerably: showered, clean-shaven and wearing a dark suit with a cobalt blue shirt. John immediately feels inadequately-dressed and furtively fusses with his own outfit and hair.

  
JOHN  
Hi!

  
SHERLOCK  
Hello.

  
Sherlock takes the seat next to John on the bench. 

  
JOHN  
(smiling nervously)  
Thanks for meeting me today.

  
SHERLOCK  
(smirking)  
So formal, John.

  
John looks away briefly, embarrassed. He holds up a to-go tray and a paper sack.

  
JOHN  
I brought you lunch.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh! Thank you. What is it?

  
JOHN  
Er, tea... and either a ham and cheese croissant or spanakopita. Your choice.

  
SHERLOCK  
Ham and cheese croissant... no, make that the spanakopita... 

  
John attempts to hand him the correct item, wrapped in waxed paper.

  
SHERLOCK  
No, the croissant. 

  
John begins to wonder if hooking up with such an indecisive nitwit is such a good idea. He hands Sherlock the croissant and his tea.

  
JOHN  
Okay, just take it.

  
SHERLOCK  
Thank you.

  
JOHN  
(exasperated)  
You're welcome.

  
They both face forward on the bench during the following conversation (with little or no eye contact), sipping tea, with their lunches unopened on their laps.

  
JOHN  
This morning you said 'yes' to everything... yes to all the important things... could we clarify that a bit? So we are on the same page?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes.

  
JOHN  
Can I assume this means you would like us to pursue a serious, intimate, relationship with all the bells and whistles? 

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes.

  
JOHN  
(a little sadly)  
That's what I thought. Me too.

  
Sherlock looks away, overjoyed by John's statement. But soon his smile falls.

  
SHERLOCK  
Then why the sad face, John?

  
JOHN  
You're not even looking at me, how could you possibly know my expression --

  
SHERLOCK  
(a bit sharply)  
I've known you for ten years. I know when you're sad, John Watson. I may not be good at expressing my own emotions but I can certainly recognize them in others with reasonable accuracy.

  
JOHN  
Okay, okay, Sherlock. Give it a rest.   
(pause)  
It's just that... it might be easier if this were more of a casual fling. Easier on our friendship, anyway.

  
SHERLOCK  
(pretending he understands)  
Hmmm.

  
JOHN  
(realizing Sherlock is clueless)  
Starting up a relationship like this changes a friendship. Irrevocably. There's a very good chance it will muck it up completely.   
(staring down in his lap)  
There's a big part of me that is screaming to slam on the brakes right now... But, my kissing you-- 

  
SHERLOCK  
\--Three times in 47 hours.

  
JOHN  
Right, that. Me kissing you, not so casually and not exactly consensually... very bad form on my part... that may have mucked things up beyond repair already. I'm afraid there's no going back to the way things were, now. The kiss is out there...

  
SHERLOCK  
Kisses. Three.

  
JOHN  
The KISSES are out there, and there's no way to take them back.  
(with some despair)  
I feel like I owe you a huge apology.

  
SHERLOCK  
You act like I wasn't trying to get a reaction from you all weekend long.

  
JOHN  
Well, I know how you like to experiment...

  
SHERLOCK  
Even though I am explicitly banned from conducting experiments on either you or Rosie per our flatmate agreement?

  
JOHN  
Well, that was more along the lines of you not strapping electrodes to my infant daughter or poisoning my coffee anymore.

  
SHERLOCK  
(calmly)  
Nevertheless John, I am not innocent here. You were provoked. Relentlessly.  
(pause)  
I WANTED you to kiss me.  
(pause)  
Almost as much as I want to kiss you right now.

  
John looks completely overwhelmed, unable to meet Sherlock's eye.

  
SHERLOCK  
(quietly)  
What other things ruin friendships?

  
John finally turns to look at him, quizzically.

  
JOHN  
What do you mean?

  
SHERLOCK  
Does faking one's own death and showing up two years later ruin a friendship? 

  
JOHN  
Sherlock...

  
SHERLOCK  
What about having your best friend's wife shoot you? Or, even worse, getting your best friend's wife killed? 

  
JOHN  
(looking aggrieved)  
What about kicking the shite out of your best friend after months and months of wrongly blaming him for your wife's death? Jesus, I was a heartless ass.

  
SHERLOCK  
Nothing tops letting one's criminally insane sister nearly kill us all. Good lord, that damned well she chained you into! Poor Rosie would have been orphaned.

  
JOHN  
Is this all supposed to make me feel better?

  
SHERLOCK  
No. Not really. Only to demonstrate that things are perhaps a little mucked up already, so to speak. Why not throw another spanner in the works?

  
JOHN  
(sighing)  
And things had been going so smoothly lately...

  
SHERLOCK  
Perhaps too smoothly. Gotten a bid tedious, in fact.

  
This makes John chuckle, which pleases Sherlock to no end.

  
SHERLOCK  
(softly)  
Come on, John. What do you say?

  
John exhales in deep consideration. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(softly still)  
Let's have a go.

  
JOHN  
All right. But we have to take it slow. Do you understand me?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yep. Of course. Slow. Sloth-like. Glacial.

  
JOHN  
Good. Great. So. While we are here...

  
SHERLOCK  
(expectantly)  
Yes?

JOHN  
(standing up, looking away)  
I have an errand for us to run.

SHERLOCK  
(standing up, pocketing his croissant)  
Er, okay?

  
JOHN  
(nervously)  
We should stop by the clinic and get tested.

  
SHERLOCK  
What do you mean?

  
JOHN  
STD testing, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
WHAT?! Sorry, did I not hear correctly? Didn't you just say you wanted to take it slow?

  
JOHN  
Yes! And we will... take it slow, that is. We'll just have this part... you know... out of the way... for down the road.

  
SHERLOCK  
Well, I don't really see the need...

  
JOHN  
Sherlock. Look. You are a recovering intravenous drug user who has spent more than enough time in seedy drug dens. And I... well, I have had a million relationships, as you so kindly pointed out. I am afraid it is quite necessary.

  
SHERLOCK  
Points well taken.

  
JOHN  
So you'll go?

  
SHERLOCK  
Let's go.

  
JOHN  
Great.

  
John begin to walk away. Sherlock pulls him by his sleeve and stops him in his tracks.

  
SHERLOCK  
But first...

Sherlock pulls John behind a tree and gives him a hearty kiss.

  
Inspector Lestrade, across the park at a food cart, has just added the perfect amount of condiments to his falafel wrap. He is about to take a bite when, out of the corner of his eye, he spies the couple mid-snog. Lestrade does a double take.

LESTRADE  
Blimey!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you as excited as I am to see Lestrade again?


	5. "The Incident"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we learn about the infamous incident between Sherlock and Audrey. Also, John and Sherlock get their test results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of Lestrade and Nazir in this episode, too. I love those guys.  
> Audrey + Sherlock = fighting like cats and dogs.

EXT. ROSIE'S NURSERY SCHOOL - LATE AFTERNOON

  
It's Sherlock's day to pick up Rosie from school. He cheerfully straps her into her stroller outside the school entrance.

  
SHERLOCK  
There you go Rosie. How was your day? Are you comfy enough?

  
ROSIE  
Bee!

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh, right, um...

  
He searching through the stroller pockets and produces a bee toy stuffy.

  
SHERLOCK  
(smiling at Rosie)  
Here it is!

  
ROSIE  
(happily reaching for it)  
Bee!

  
SHERLOCK  
Right, off we go home.

  
AUDREY  
Hello, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock straightens up quickly. He stands behind Rosie's stroller glaring at Audrey. She faces off from him, standing behind Dorian's stroller, glaring back. Their posture and facial expressions resemble a Wild West gunfight duel.

  
SHERLOCK  
(coldly)  
Hello, Audrey.

  
FLASHBACK TO "THE INCIDENT"  
INT. ROUNDHOUSE / TRAIN YARD - OUTSKIRTS OF LONDON - 3 MONTHS PRIOR - AFTERNOON

  
Sherlock, Officer AJ NAZIR (30's, female, Pakistani, even-tempered) ,and a few other Scotland Yard officers stand around two dead bodies. Large, idle locomotives are in the background. 

  
Sherlock bends down to examine the bodies closely. One body had a gun in his hand.

  
NAZIR  
We figured it was a double homicide at first, but we've only found one weapon, so it must be a murder-suicide. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Obviously.

  
NAZIR  
(concentrating)  
But... things don't really add up, you know... something's off.

  
SHERLOCK  
(sly smirk)  
Good, you noticed. So tell me, which one is which?

  
NAZIR  
You would assume that this one is the murder and that one...  
(pointing to the figure holding the gun)  
would have to be the suicide... the killer shooting his victim first and then himself. However...

  
SHERLOCK  
(encouragingly)  
Yes?

  
NAZIR  
My hunch is it's the opposite. But I don't know how it's possible. How could the murdered person end up with a gun in his hand?

  
SHERLOCK  
(winking)  
Let's find out how it IS possible, shall we? I think our answer may lie in those bullets lodged in their bodies. Let's dig them out and get them to the ballistics lab for analysis straight away.

  
NAZIR  
(glancing at watch)  
No luck, they close in ten minutes. It'll have to wait for tomorrow.

  
SHERLOCK  
(alarmed)  
Wait, what time is it?

  
NAZIR  
5:20, why?

  
SHERLOCK  
(rising hastily)  
5:20? 5:20!? We'll never get back to Central London in forty minutes! Quick Nazir, call Lestrade! It's an emergency!

  
NAZIR  
What? What's the emergency, Holmes?!

  
SHERLOCK  
(already running to Nazir's police car)  
Rosie!

  
INT. NURSERY SCHOOL - 5:40PM

  
Audrey is helping Dorian get their jacket on. Rosie and her TEACHER stand in the vestibule watching.

  
TEACHER  
Dorian is leaving, Rosie. Do you want to say bye-bye?

  
ROSIE  
Rosie go?

  
The teacher glances at their watch.

  
TEACHER  
Sherlock's supposed to come today... usually he's here by now. I'm sure he'll be here soon, Rosie.

  
AUDREY  
Do you want me to stick around, just in case?

  
TEACHER  
If you don't mind.

  
INT. POLICE CAR - CONTINUOUS

  
Nazir zooms down the street. Sherlock is frantically texting on his phone in the passenger seat.

  
SHERLOCK  
Mrs Hudson isn't answering for some godforsaken reason... John apparently is in surgery and can't be reached... you said Lestrade is on his way?

  
NAZIR  
(sighing)  
Yes, but he isn't happy about it.

  
SHERLOCK  
Good. Who am I missing? Ah! Molly!

  
NAZIR  
Er... I already tried her. She must not have her phone on her. No response.

  
Sherlock snaps his head to look at her.

  
SHERLOCK  
(suspiciously)  
I didn't know you two were close.

  
NAZIR  
(awkwardly)  
Yeah, we're friends.

  
Sherlock narrows his eyes, judging.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh really?

  
NAZIR  
(more awkwardly)  
Er... getting to be friends, that is.

  
Sherlock drops his interrogation to focus on the matter at hand and the traffic-clogged streets.

  
SHERLOCK  
Things would move a lot faster if you'd put on the damn siren, you know. 

  
NAZIR  
Can't be done. Not official police business.

  
SHERLOCK  
(fed up)  
But it's an emergency!

  
NAZIR  
You forgetting to collect Rosie is not an emergency.

  
SHERLOCK  
You don't know how strict that school is. They will roast me alive.

INT. NURSERY SCHOOL - 5:55PM

  
Inspector Lestrade smiles uncertainly in the vestibule. Audrey and the teacher glare at him. Rosie and Dorian are in the background playing in the classroom.

  
LESTRADE  
I'm Inspector Greg Lestrade, Scotland Yard.  
(shows badge)  
I'm here to collect Rosie for Sherlock.

  
The teacher consults a clipboard. 

  
TEACHER  
I'm sorry, you aren't on the pick-up list.

  
Lestrade's smile falters.

  
LESTRADE  
Sherlock is delayed, and asked me if I might be able to pick up Rosie for him. I'm good friends with John... known him for years. Surely you could make an exception for an officer of the law?

  
TEACHER  
(firmly)  
We cannot, Officer.

  
LESTRADE  
(gulping nervously)  
Who's on the list, then, if you don’t mind me asking?

  
TEACHER  
Let's see... S. Holmes, M. Hudson, M. Hooper, H. Watson... and Audrey here.

  
Audrey nods and folds her arms, staring down Lestrade.

  
LESTRADE  
And you've tried contacting them all, I imagine?

  
TEACHER  
Of course. But no one has answered.

  
LESTRADE  
Could we call John and see if I can do it, just this one time?

  
TEACHER  
(sighing)  
We've called his mobile multiple times, and his office, too. He's in surgery.

  
AUDREY  
I'll bring home Rosie. It won't be a problem.

  
The teacher's phone rings.

  
TEACHER  
It's him!

  
LESTRADE  
Good! Please ask if I can take Rosie.

  
TEACHER  
Hello Dr. Watson! Thank you for calling us back... Yes, that's right, he never showed up... I've got Audrey here and an Officer Greg something...

  
LESTRADE  
(helpfully)  
Lestrade.

  
The teacher holds up a finger.

  
TEACHER  
Uh-huh... I see... I'll put her on.

  
The teacher hands the phone to Audrey.

  
AUDREY  
Hello, John? Yes, I'm here.

  
Audrey walks a bit away to hold her phone conversation.

  
TEACHER  
John wants Audrey to take Rosie for now, but he said he'll officially add you to the pick-up list tomorrow. Do you know where Sherlock is?

  
LESTRADE  
(resigned)  
Yeah, he was helping us at a crime scene and he must have lost track of time. Stuck in traffic now. Sorry, he's a bit flighty.

  
TEACHER  
(crossing arms sternly)  
We have a strict policy about families collecting their children by 6:00 pm. It would be utter chaos if caregivers blithely decided to arrive whenever they felt like it, willy-nilly. Flightiness simply won't be tolerated.

  
LESTRADE  
(feeling scolded)  
Understood. 

  
AUDREY  
Ok... will do. See you later tonight, John. Ta!

  
Audrey pockets her phone.

  
AUDREY  
John would like me to take Rosie home. He said he'll stop by my place for her on his way home from work.  
(falteringly)  
He instructed me, in no uncertain terms, not to hand her off to anyone but himself.

  
LESTRADE  
Not even Sherlock?!

  
Audrey nods slowly. Lestrade whistles in surprise and appreciation.

  
LESTRADE  
Sherlock isn't going to like that one bit.  
(to Audrey)  
Do you need any help getting these two tykes home?

  
AUDREY  
(politely)  
No, I can manage, but thank you for your kind offer, Officer Lestrade. 

  
LESTRADE  
(jovially)  
You can call me Greg. All right, apologies for all the disruptions. Glad it is sorted. Good evening, everyone.

Lestrade leaves.

  
INT. POLICE CAR - 6:05PM

  
Nazir's squad car is clearly stuck in rush-hour traffic. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Auuggghh! This is a disaster!

  
NAZIR  
What do you want me to do about it, Holmes? I can't control the traffic.

  
SHERLOCK  
The flashing lights and sirens, of course, Nazir! But nooo! Apparently, according to you, there are rules about such things. Why must you be so law-abiding?

  
NAZIR  
Occupational hazard.

  
Sherlock's phone dings. 

  
SHERLOCK  
It's Lestrade. An update.

  
NAZIR  
What'd he say?

  
SHERLOCK  
"Audrey has Rosie. John will pick her up later. Don't come."

  
Sherlock taps away on his phone.

  
NAZIR  
Who's Audrey?

  
SHERLOCK  
(disdainfully)  
One of John's mum friends. They're right chums, those two are.

  
NAZIR  
Jealous?

  
SHERLOCK  
(mockingly)  
I bet you wish you and Molly were as chummy.  
(more seriously)  
Never mind all that now, I have a new address for you...

  
Sherlock's phone pings again.

  
NAZIR  
What's Lestrade saying now?

  
SHERLOCK  
Just responding to my text… Er, all caps... "NO DON'T COME." So, Audrey's address is --

  
NAZIR  
Nope.

  
SHERLOCK  
(dismissively)  
Be reasonable. I need to get Rosie. 

  
NAZIR  
(calmly but firmly)  
That's a big 'no', Holmes.

  
SHERLOCK  
(clearing throat)  
The address is--

  
NAZIR  
No.

  
SHERLOCK  
Fine. You can just drop me here, then. 

  
NAZIR  
No problem.

  
Nazir pulls the car over to the curb. Sherlock jumps out.

  
SHERLOCK  
(hollering, holding car door open)  
Your unwavering morals are a nuisance, John. 

  
NAZIR  
(finally, a bit exasperated)  
I'm not John.

  
SHERLOCK  
Well, nobody's perfect.

  
Sherlock slams the car door. Nazir pulls back into traffic. Sherlock hails a cab.

  
EXT. AUDREY'S TERRACE HOUSE – EVENING (STILL WITHIN FLASHBACK)

  
Sherlock and Lestrade stand on the porch and ring the bell. Sherlock impatiently rings it a second time and Lestrade rolls his eyes.  
Audrey opens the door, looking none too pleased.

  
SHERLOCK  
(smiling pleasantly)  
Good evening Audrey. My friend Inspector Gary Lestrade and I--

  
LESTRADE  
(hissing)  
Jesus, Sherlock!

  
AUDREY  
I thought you said your name was Greg?

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh! And so it is! I see you two have met.

  
LESTRADE  
Yes, Sherlock. I told you. I spent a long time at the school this afternoon trying to sort it all out--

SHERLOCK  
Ah! Yes, thank you, Greg. You and Audrey pals already, how charming.  
(ingratiatingly)  
So Audrey, I am incredibly grateful for you taking in Rosie this evening after I was regrettably detained...

Audrey stares down Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
In pursuit of solving crime...

  
Audrey is not impressed. Sherlock glances at Lestrade who shrugs.

  
SHERLOCK  
... Contributing to the betterment of society?  
(pause)  
No? Not impressed?

  
Audrey shakes her head no.

  
SHERLOCK  
Anyway, I am happy to take little Rosie off your hands, and I can't thank you enough.

  
AUDREY  
No, that's not happening.

  
SHERLOCK  
(surprised)  
Sorry?

  
AUDREY  
I'm not handing Rosie over to you.

  
SHERLOCK  
(anger building)  
Listen, Audrey. I am perfectly capable of taking care of Rosie if that's what your concern is.

  
AUDREY  
(snapping back)  
And yet you left a two-year-old stranded at school!

  
SHERLOCK  
I sent a bloody copper to her rescue, in case you didn't notice!

  
LESTRADE  
(a little hurt)  
Oi!

  
SHERLOCK  
Where exactly are these precious children that you are supposedly supervising right now? For someone so keen on childhood welfare you are being rather neglectful at the moment, aren't you Audrey?

  
AUDREY  
(icily)  
Dorian and Rosie are upstairs eating dinner with my husband. He's perfectly adept at tending to small children, unlike some people. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Upstairs? We'll if you'll excuse me. I'll only be a minute...

  
Sherlock makes a move to bust past Audrey into the house, but Lestrade restrains him by placing a firm hand on his shoulder.

  
LESTRADE  
Sherlock, mate, that's not how it's done.

  
AUDREY  
Give up, Sherlock. I say no, and more importantly, John said no.

  
SHERLOCK  
(pulling out phone)  
Well, let me call John right now and straighten this whole thing out.

  
AUDREY  
I reckon you've been hounding poor John about this for the past two hours, haven't you? 

  
Sherlock frowns.

  
AUDREY  
And his answer's been the same each time: No.

  
LESTRADE  
Come Sherlock, let's go home.

Sherlock's face becomes sad, remorseful.

  
SHERLOCK  
(quietly)  
You're right, Audrey. Absolutely right. We'll leave now. But... could I just see Rosie before I go? Give her a quick hug, or something? Please?

  
AUDREY  
(setting her jaw)  
Absolutely not.

  
SHERLOCK  
(seeming crushed)  
What? Why not? It will only take a minute... and I feel so badly about all this. Could I see her please?

  
AUDREY  
I know what you're trying to pull here. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(innocently)  
Me?

  
AUDREY  
We both know that at soon as she sees you, she'll latch on and there'll be no way I'll coax her back upstairs. I know she's very attached to you, Sherlock. I don't need a hysterical toddler on my hands when she's perfectly happy at the moment.   
(sighing)  
Please don't use a small child to manipulate the situation. It reflects poorly on you. Very bad taste. Especially when I'm only trying to honor her father's wishes here.

Sherlock's face hardens as he drops the act.

  
SHERLOCK  
Fine Audrey, have it your way. Let's go Lestrade.  
(to Audrey)  
But for the record, I do care for Rosie. Very much. Despite what you may think or what you think you observe. I'd do anything for her.

Sherlock pulls Lestrade down the steps. Lestrade turns and waves back to Audrey.

  
LESTRADE  
Bye Audrey! See you around!

  
AUDREY  
(waving back)  
Have a good evening.

  
SHERLOCK  
(impatiently, striding to Lestrade's car)  
Let's go, Lestrade! The two of you, all so buddy-buddy... dare I say flirty? Mycroft’s going to hear about this.

  
LESTRADE  
(following close behind)  
Oh boy.

  
SHERLOCK  
I should have brought Nazir instead.

  
LESTRADE  
(chucking)  
Yeah, right! She would have yanked you off the porch after about thirty seconds.

  
SHERLOCK  
Shut up and take me home, Gordon!

  
LESTRADE  
(rolling eyes)  
It's Greg.

  
FLAHSBACK ENDS

  
EXT. ROSIE'S NURSERY SCHOOL - RETURN TO PRESENT

  
Audrey and Sherlock continue facing off, staring each other down.

  
SHERLOCK  
(with a forced smile)  
Well. A pleasant evening to you, Audrey.

AUDREY  
(also forcing a smile)  
Likewise.

  
They both quickly turn away and attempt to head down the sidewalk at the same time, immediately jumbling up the strollers.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh. Pardon. After you. I'll let you by.

  
AUDREY  
Thank you, but we're heading in the same direction, actually.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh, we are?

  
AUDREY  
(perplexed)  
Yes... we live near you... you've been to my place even, with that nice police officer. Remember?

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh! Yes, of course.  
(mumbling to self)  
Must have blocked it from my memory.

  
AUDREY  
John and I often walk the kids home together. But no matter, you go first. I'm sure you walk faster with those long legs... and that way you needn't try to make idle chitchat with John's "intimidating mum friend".

  
SHERLOCK  
Or you, trying to carry on a frivolous conversation with John's obnoxious boy--

  
JOHN  
(hurrying towards them)  
Hey! Audrey! Sherlock! Wait up!

  
SHERLOCK  
John? Hi!

  
John catches up to them at a jog.

  
JOHN  
(smiling shyly at Sherlock)  
Hey.

  
SHERLOCK  
(smiling shyly back)  
Hey.

  
Audrey, gobsmacked, looks back and forth between John and Sherlock. 

  
JOHN  
How are you, Audrey?

  
AUDREY  
Er... I'm fine. How are you?

  
JOHN  
Great!  
(peering into the stroller)  
How are you, Rosie girl?

  
John gives Rosie a hug and straightens up.

  
SHERLOCK  
To what do we owe this nice surprise, John?

  
JOHN  
Got off work early today! I was hoping I'd catch up so I could walk home with all of you. Shall we?

  
They all start down the sidewalk together. John is flanked by Sherlock pushing Rosie on one side, Audrey pushing Dorian on the other. John smiles pleasantly at them, alternating between Audrey and Sherlock. Audrey and Sherlock, however, look slightly embarrassed. 

  
JOHN  
So, how was everyone's day?

  
John's phone rings and he looks quickly at the screen. He stops walking.

  
JOHN  
Oh! Sorry! I better take this. Go ahead.  
(on phone)  
Hello? Yes, I'm him.

  
AUDREY  
(to Sherlock)  
I think it's best if I get going. Leave you to it. Dorian, say goodbye to Rosie. Bye Rosie!

  
DORIAN  
Bye-bye!

  
SHERLOCK  
Bye-bye Dorian. Ta-ta Audrey.

  
Audrey and Dorian walk away down the sidewalk. Rosie starts to fuss out of boredom. Sherlock digs in the diaper bag.

  
SHERLOCK  
We'll get going soon, Rosie. I promise. Want a snack?

  
ROSIE  
Snack!

  
Sherlock opens and hands her a squeeze pouch of applesauce which Rosie eagerly accepts. John pockets his phone and walks over with a smile. They start walking again.

  
JOHN  
Audrey leave?

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh, she said she had to get going. Who was on the phone?

  
JOHN  
It was the clinic, with my test results.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh! So soon?

  
JOHN  
Yes. Some testing sites even give same-day results.

  
SHERLOCK  
(nervously)  
So quickly! I mean, why the rush?

  
John gives Sherlock a questioning, appraising look.

  
SHERLOCK  
Er, what did they say? If you don't mind sharing, that is.

  
JOHN  
Of course, Sherlock. Of course, I'll share. They said I'm all clear.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh good, that's very good... what did they say about mine?

  
JOHN  
(laughing)  
Sherlock, that goes against patient privacy laws. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Right, right, right. But you're a doctor.

  
JOHN  
Not your doctor, not in this case.

  
Sherlock's phone rings.

  
JOHN  
You should get that, it's probably the clinic.

  
Sherlock, with a look of alarm, strides away while answering.

  
SHERLOCK  
This is Sherlock Holmes.

  
John, pushing the stroller, struggles to catch up.

  
SHERLOCK  
Uh-huh... right... hmm... thank you.

  
Sherlock pockets his phone and continues walking forward at a brisk pace, lost in thought with a furrowed brow. John hurries after him, fretfully.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock! I can't run after you with the stroller! Please wait!

  
Sherlock breaks his concentration and turns to wait for them to catch up.

  
JOHN  
(with growing concern)  
Everything all right with the test results, Sherlock? ... Look, we can deal with whatever's come up ... I promise, we'll get you whatever medical care you need.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's fine, John. The tests all came back negative.

  
JOHN  
Oh, thank god! I was worried there for a moment.

  
John peers into Sherlock's face. Sherlock's expression is deadly serious, anxious.

  
JOHN  
Then what's wrong?

  
SHERLOCK  
Let's go home.

  
They continue walking, at a calmer pace now. John, still very worried, keeps glancing at Sherlock.

  
JOHN  
Please, Sherlock. Are you really okay? Tell me what's wrong.

  
Sherlock heaves a big sigh and glances at John. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Less than a week ago we were just flatmates, and now...

  
JOHN  
Oh Sherlock. Forget the tests. This doesn't mean we must jump in the sack for a shag the minute we get home, you know. We can take it slow.

  
Sherlock looks a wee bit relieved. 

  
JOHN  
We WILL take it slow. Very.  
(pause, clearing throat)  
I have no way of knowing... since you've always been extremely private about your, erm, love life...

  
Sherlock shoots him a wilting look.

  
JOHN  
But, in the off chance I have more experience than you "in the bedroom", as they say...

  
Sherlock looks annoyed, but does not counter.

  
JOHN  
No matter what your level of sexual expertise may be, just know that there's absolutely no rush. I won't be pushing you into anything. We take as long as we need.

  
John grasps Sherlock's sleeve to stop him, to make Sherlock face him. He searches Sherlock's face for a response.

  
JOHN  
We decide things together. Remember?

  
Sherlock finally nods. John is relieved. They recommence walking.

  
SHERLOCK  
Dinner? Hungry?

  
JOHN  
(smiling)  
Starving!

  
Sherlock looks at Rosie in the stroller.

  
SHERLOCK  
What about you, Rosie? Hungry? Want to stop for fish and chips on the way home?

  
ROSIE  
Chips!

  
SHERLOCK  
Exactly. Let's go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, we know you don't HAVE to jump in the sack right away... but geez, could you pick up the pace a smidgen, you two? This is taking forever!


	6. A Visit with Molly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock goes shopping and visits Molly for some advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray for Molly Hooper!  
> Sherlock is a bit clueless here. Please forgive him.

INT. BARTS DISSECTION LAB/ MORGUE - DAY

Molly Hooper strips off her mask, gown, and gloves and washes her hands thoroughly, humming pleasantly to herself. The door swings open and Sherlock walks in.

SHERLOCK  
Hello, Molly.

  
MOLLY  
(all smiles)  
Sherlock! What a surprise. I didn't know you'd be here today. New case?

  
SHERLOCK  
No... merely here for friendly chat.

  
He plops down a brown paper gift bag on an exam table. Molly looks at it suspiciously as she walks over.

  
MOLLY  
What's that?

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh... just some shopping.

  
MOLLY  
(still suspicious)  
Oh, okay. So... what did you want to chat about?

  
SHERLOCK  
Hm?

  
MOLLY  
(a little annoyed)  
You said you came for a friendly chat... so what'cha want to talk about?

  
SHERLOCK  
Er... nothing much. Anything new with you?

  
MOLLY  
Nothing Sherlock. Anything new with YOU?

  
SHERLOCK  
No new interesting person in your life, Molly?

  
MOLLY  
(definitely annoyed)  
No. Any new, interesting people in YOUR life, Sherlock?

  
SHERLOCK  
I wouldn't say "new", per say. Started dating someone, though.

  
MOLLY  
(surprised, but keeping cool)  
Oh! Well that is exciting isn't it? Anyone I know?

  
SHERLOCK  
John Watson.

  
MOLLY  
(extremely surprised, and trying very hard to keep cool)  
Oh! Well now. That is very interesting.

  
SHERLOCK  
I thought you might find it interesting.

  
Sherlock's eyes travel to the shopping bag and so do Molly's. Sherlock begins pacing slowly.

  
SHERLOCK  
(nodding at the bag)  
We are taking it slow. We agreed.

  
Molly gravitates towards the shopping bag.

  
MOLLY  
That's good.  
(about to peek in bag)  
May I?

  
Sherlock gestures for her to go ahead, still pacing.

  
SHERLOCK  
Last week John happened to kiss me, and it started a whole thing...

  
MOLLY  
(in shock)  
Sherlock!

  
Molly pulls a dildo from the bag.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes?

  
MOLLY  
(holding up the dildo)  
This is NOT "taking it slow"!

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh, so you don't think...?

  
Molly pulls out another sex toy.

  
MOLLY  
Definitely not slow! This is full steam ahead! 

  
SHERLOCK  
(a little hurt)  
Only trying to be prepared, Molly. 

  
Molly drops the sex toy back into the bag and glowers at Sherlock.

  
MOLLY  
You didn't come here to show off your new... marital aids.

  
SHERLOCK  
Well...

MOLLY  
Okay maybe you did, a little. But that's not the real reason you wanted to chat.

  
Sherlock stops pacing to face Molly straight on.

  
SHERLOCK  
And what would the real reason be, Molly?

  
MOLLY  
You are a bit nervous to delve into something romantic with John.

  
Sherlock is tight-lipped.

  
MOLLY  
And for good reason, too. 

  
SHERLOCK  
You are horrible at pep talks, you know that Molly.

  
MOLLY  
(ignoring him)  
You two have been best friends for years and years and years, and, well... you are bloody awful at matters of the heart.

  
SHERLOCK  
You would know.

  
MOLLY  
I would know.

  
SHERLOCK  
(pacing again)  
I have a history of saying and doing all the wrong things... and you have been on the receiving end of my horribleness far too many times.  
(looking at her softly)  
More times than I care to count. I can never apologize enough. 

  
MOLLY  
(modestly)  
Sherlock, it's not necessary.

  
SHERLOCK  
It is.

  
MOLLY  
(conceding)  
Well. Perhaps so.

  
SHERLOCK  
Molly, I am confident that I will single-handedly botch up absolutely everything with John without even trying. 

  
MOLLY  
It is possible for people to learn from their mistakes, you know.

  
SHERLOCK  
NORMAL people.

  
MOLLY  
You ARE normal people. You have a bigger heart than you let on. You, too, are capable of recognizing your mistakes and learning from them. 

  
Molly places a hand on Sherlock's arm, making him stop in his tracks.

  
MOLLY  
(quietly)  
You already have... or you wouldn't be here right now, wanting so badly to not make the same mistakes again.

  
SHERLOCK  
(dismayed)  
What does it matter? I will find some brand new mistakes to makes, surely.

  
MOLLY  
Oh, absolutely.

  
SHERLOCK  
(throwing up hands)  
Not helping, Molly!!

  
MOLLY  
As will John. You'll both make many, many mistakes. It is how you'll handle your mistakes that counts, Sherlock.

  
The door swings open and Officer Nazir enters, making both Sherlock and Molly jump.

  
NAZIR  
Ready for lunch, Molly? Oh... Holmes! Didn't know you were here.

  
MOLLY  
Yep! Just finishing up here, AJ.

  
Molly grabs the shopping bag and presses it into Sherlock's hand.

  
MOLLY  
(to Sherlock)  
Some advice, maybe don't show these to John any time soon.

  
SHERLOCK  
Already making mistakes, am I?

  
MOLLY  
Could be.  
(to Nazir)  
Off to the loo, be right back!

  
Molly hustles out the door. Nazir approaches Sherlock, slowly but purposefully.

  
NAZIR  
What are you doing here, Holmes?

  
SHERLOCK  
Visiting my dear friend Molly is all.

  
NAZIR  
(calmly but darkly)  
If you break her heart again, I'll make sure you never step foot in here ever again.

  
SHERLOCK  
(both amused and intimidated)  
What are you going to do, Nazir, break my kneecaps?

  
NAZIR  
No, not quite. More like a little trip down to Human Resources.

  
SHERLOCK  
Jokes on you, Nazir, I don't officially work here.

  
NAZIR  
Exactly. And if Human Resources gets wind of a non-employee harassing one of their staff members... well, things could go very badly for you, Holmes. Your morgue privileges stripped, for starters. 

  
Sherlock looks stricken. He struggles to save face and change the subject.

  
SHERLOCK  
So, off to lunch, I see? A lovely lunch date. Not afraid to be tipping your hand with your new friend Molly, hmmm?

  
They eye each other carefully.

  
NAZIR  
(chuckling)  
I'm not afraid to show my feelings, unlike some people I know.

  
Molly comes back in, all smiles.

  
MOLLY  
Ready, AJ?

  
Molly witnesses Sherlock and Nazir staring each other down.

  
MOLLY  
(nervously)  
I'll just go get my bag then, okay?   
(after no response)  
Okay.

  
She hurries over to her desk at the far end of the lab. 

  
NAZIR  
(seriously to Sherlock)  
I won't be afraid to make my feelings known, when the time's right, that is. Molly and I are still getting to know each other, and I'd appreciate no interference in the meanwhile.  
(icily calm)  
Do I make myself clear?

  
SHERLOCK  
Absolutely.

  
Lestrade pops his head through the door.

  
LESTRADE  
Ah! AJ! Sherlock! Just the folks I was hoping to see! 

  
Lestrade walks over to Nazir and Sherlock with a huge grin. Molly, curious, joins the group.

  
LESTRADE  
Great work on the uni-student-art-fencing case! I don't know how you figured out that her roommate was involved, but it was a stroke of genius! The roommate's extended family was completely behind the whole thing. We think the court system will go easy on the Cambodian girl... seems like she was in fact coerced, as you suspected. Excellent job, you two!

  
SHERLOCK  
That's kind of you to say... but the "stroke of genius" was all due to John.

  
LESTRADE  
(pointing to Nazir)  
You mean this "John"?

  
Molly, Lestrade, and even Nazir giggle. Sherlock is embarrassed by getting called out for mistaking Nazir for John too often.

  
SHERLOCK  
(annoyed)  
No, my John.

  
Molly and Lestrade give each other a knowing smile. Nazir notices but is puzzled.

  
LESTRADE  
Oh, YOUR John... I see. So, what's up with your John Watson these days? Anything new in your John's life?

  
SHERLOCK  
(completely mortified now)  
No, nothing new, nothing at all. Look, gotta dash. Nice seeing you all!

  
LESTRADE  
See ya, Sherlock. Say hi to John for me.

  
Sherlock begins to rush out.

  
MOLLY  
Sherlock! Your... er... shopping bag!

  
Sherlock rushes back to grab the shopping bag and hurries out of the room again.

  
LESTRADE  
So... AJ, Molly, off to lunch, then?

  
MOLLY  
Yep!

  
LESTRADE  
(winking)  
Well... have a good time, you two.

  
NAZIR  
(warningly)  
Greg...

  
MOLLY  
(confused)  
Sorry? It's only lunch.

  
NAZIR  
(embarrassed)  
Molly, I'll... uh... see you out front. I forgot something at my desk.

  
She hurries out of the room, Lestrade and Molly watch her go.

  
LESTRADE  
(conspiratorially)  
So, got any dirt to dish up on John and Sherlock?

  
MOLLY  
So much dirt!

  
LESTRADE  
Well?!

  
MOLLY  
They are most definitely dating.

  
LESTRADE  
(pumping his fist in the air)  
Yes! I knew it! See, I told ya? That wasn't just some random snogging in the park I witnessed the other day.

  
MOLLY  
(grinning wildly)  
I'm sorry I ever doubted you. 

  
LESTRADE  
That's right! You should be. I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but I'm a pretty good detective when I put my mind to it. 

  
Molly chuckles at this.

  
LESTRADE  
Well, off you go to lunch. Nazir is waiting for ya.

  
MOLLY  
Bye!

  
Lestrade watches Molly go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imagining Sherlock peppering the clerks at the sex shop with a bazillion questions while making his purchases makes me giggle.
> 
> Lestrade is that one loud-mouth friend of yours who is HORRIBLE at subtlety, but you love him anyway.
> 
> And don't worry too much about Sherlock and Nazir, they're cool.


	7. Matters of the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John blows a gasket when he discovers something in Sherlock's room. There's some drama.  
> Mild Hurt/Comfort.  
> Mrs. Hudson arrives on the scene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray, Mrs. Hudson!

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - DAY

  
Sherlock sits in his chair with this hands steepled under his chin, deep in thought. He hears steps on the landing. Sherlock cocks his head to listen. John enters the kitchen carrying shopping bags.

  
SHERLOCK  
Hello, John.

  
John nearly drops everything in surprise. He steps into the sitting room.

  
JOHN  
Jesus, Sherlock! You scared the crap out of me. What are you even doing here?

  
SHERLOCK  
Working.

  
JOHN  
Working? Looks like you're lazing about, is what is looks like.

  
SHERLOCK  
(annoyed)  
I'm thinking, John. You know... thinking. You should try it sometime. 

  
JOHN  
(rolling eyes)  
I'm going to go put away the shopping.

  
John heads to the kitchen. Sherlock returns to thinking, but occasionally spies on John from his chair.

  
SHERLOCK  
(hollering)  
What are you doing home in the middle of the workday is the real question?

  
JOHN  
(calling back, while putting away groceries)  
I was supposed to have a staff meeting, but it got canceled. Since I didn't have any patients scheduled, I decided to do the shopping early... then have a little break before going to fetch Rosie.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh.

  
John sticks his head in the sitting room.

  
JOHN  
(smiling mischievously)  
Anyway, nice surprise seeing you home... we aren't often home alone in the middle of the day together, you know? Could be fun...

  
SHERLOCK  
(blandly)  
While you are up, can you retrieve my phone from the my bedroom?

  
John's smile falls, disappointed Sherlock isn't responding to his blatant flirting.

  
JOHN  
(grumpily)  
You are perfectly capable of walking there on your own.

  
SHERLOCK  
(dismissively)  
But you are already halfway there. It's on my dresser. Thank you, John.

  
John storms off. Sherlock watches him go, indifferently. Sherlock hears his bedroom door creaking open.

  
JOHN (O.S. OFF SCREEN)  
Bloody hell!!

  
Sherlock is on his feet in a flash.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh shit!

  
Sherlock looks like he want to flee the flat. John races into the room holding the paper shopping bag that Sherlock had shown Molly earlier.

  
JOHN  
What the hell is this?!

  
SHERLOCK  
It's nothing! It's not even mine! 

  
John glares at him.

  
SHERLOCK  
Okay, it is mine.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock! Why?!

  
SHERLOCK  
I was just planning ahead. Like you and your bloody STD testing.

  
John glares at him even harder.

  
SHERLOCK  
(trying to speak rationally)  
I didn't mean for you to see it yet, obviously... didn't have time to stash it away, is all.

  
JOHN  
Ha! I don't believe that for a moment! You sent me in there --

  
SHERLOCK  
To get my phone! Honest!

  
JOHN  
\-- And this bleeding bag is right there on the dresser --

  
SHERLOCK  
I forgot to put it away!

  
JOHN  
\-- An open invitation for me to peek in!

  
SHERLOCK  
If you weren't so nosy --

  
JOHN  
Bollocks!! You wanted me to find it.

  
SHERLOCK  
I did not! That's a lie.

  
JOHN  
Auuuggghhh!

  
Sherlock approaches John, gently takes the bag from him, and walks over and puts it high up on the bookshelf where short people can't reach.

  
SHERLOCK  
(placating John)  
John, please. Why does it matter that I have this... little collection. So what?  
(mumbling, mostly to self)  
Honestly, SOME people would be delighted by it even. Weren't you just remarking on having a free afternoon together?

  
JOHN  
(shaking head, muttering)  
I'm not ready for this... none of it.

  
Sherlock looks at him, dismayed.

  
SHERLOCK  
John?

  
John walks to the window and gazes out, much worry on his face.

  
SHERLOCK  
(anxiously)  
It's just some silly sex toys. We don't ever have to use them. I'll get rid of them if you want me to.

  
JOHN  
(still looking outside)  
We've done little more than kiss... haven't even seen each other naked...

  
SHERLOCK  
(trying to downplay it)  
We've seen each other naked before. Inadvertently now and then. 

  
JOHN  
Shut up, Sherlock.  
(sighing)  
And now, all of a sudden... there are butt plugs... and who knows what else.

  
SHERLOCK  
I honestly didn't mean for you --

  
JOHN  
I take it back. 

SHERLOCK  
(sharp alarm)  
What?

  
JOHN  
I take it ALL back.

  
Sherlock suddenly looks sickly and collapses on his chair. John, at the window, doesn't notice.

  
JOHN  
Clearly, we don't need to go slow for your benefit... apparently, I'M the one that needs us to go slow.

  
Sherlock breathes erratically and clutches at his chest. John finally turns and notices. He rushes over to him.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock!!

  
SHERLOCK  
My heart...

  
John quickly unbuttons Sherlock's suit and shirt and presses his ear to Sherlock's chest.

  
SHERLOCK  
(weakly)  
John...

  
JOHN  
(with doctor-like calmness but very worried)  
Heart palpitations... it's racing like crazy. You're drenched with sweat here. Your breathing is too irregular. Might not be good.

  
SHERLOCK  
I feel a bit light-headed.

  
JOHN  
Okay, hang in there, Sherlock. I'm going to call the medics.  
(digging out phone from pocket)  
God, what triggered this?

  
SHERLOCK  
(faintly)  
I thought you were breaking up with me.

  
JOHN  
(clasping Sherlock)  
No! Sherlock, no. I just wanted us to slow down a bit.

  
SHERLOCK  
(very faintly)  
Oh, that's better then...

  
John dials while trying to comfort Sherlock.

  
JOHN  
Yes, we need medics at 221b Baker Street. Possible heart attack. Please hurry!

  
EXT. 221 BAKER STREET - AN HOUR OR SO LATER

  
Mrs. Hudson approaches the building and is alarmed by the presence of an ambulance parked haphazardly on the pavement. 

  
MRS HUDSON  
Oh no!

  
She races into the building.

  
INT. 221B FLAT - SITTING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

  
MRS HUDSON (O.S.)  
John?! Sherlock?! Rosie?!

  
Mrs. Hudson enters the flat and sees John and Sherlock (now in a comfortable t-shirt) sitting on the sofa. MEDIC #1 is filling out a report while MEDIC #2 is gathering up supplies.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Sherlock! John! What happened?

  
SHERLOCK  
No need to panic, only a small heart episode.

  
MRS HUDSON  
(panicked, running over)  
A heart attack? Oh, Sherlock!

  
JOHN  
No, Mrs. Hudson, not that severe. SVT... er, a bad case of heart palpitations.  
(looking crossly at Sherlock)  
Apparently he has been suffering from it for years and hasn't ever sought out medical treatment for it.

  
MEDIC #1  
But he will now... he'll be seeing Dr. Kessler first thing Monday morning.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Oh, Sherlock, I'm so relieved. We've been so worried about your heart ever since Mary --

  
SHERLOCK  
Mrs. Hudson, please!

  
MEDIC #2  
(shaking head)  
That bullet wound...

  
SHERLOCK  
(snippy)  
That bullet went nowhere near my heart!

  
MEDIC #2  
Scar tissue could be interfering with the heart's functions. You don't know.

  
SHERLOCK  
(sarcastically)  
Oh, I'm sorry, were you there when I was shot and in recovery? Know everything about it, don't you?

  
JOHN  
Okay, that's enough, Sherlock. We don't need you getting all worked up again. Let the medics finish up, please. We'll be seeing the heart specialist Monday. And I'll monitor him all weekend, promise.

  
MRS HUDSON  
How can I help? Shall I go get Rosie from the nursery?

  
JOHN  
No, Audrey's doing that and should be here any minute.

  
MRS HUDSON  
I'll go fetch some nibbles for these nice doctors, then, shall I?

  
The medics look pleased by this. Mrs. Hudson bustles to the kitchen.

  
SHERLOCK  
(sourly)  
They aren't doctors.

  
There's a knock at the door. Audrey enters carrying something wrapped in a towel in her arms. Rosie toddles in after.

  
AUDREY  
Hi! The door was opened downstairs. I shut it behind me.

  
MRS HUDSON  
(from the kitchen)  
Sorry, dear! I left it open in my haste. Thank you for closing it.

  
AUDREY  
Oh! Hello, Mrs. Hudson, didn't see you there. Not a problem.

  
Rosie runs to John. John picks her up and gives her a kiss and settles her on his lap.

  
JOHN  
Hello my Rosie.

  
AUDREY  
Sherlock, how are feeling now?

  
SHERLOCK  
A bit better than earlier, thank you Audrey.

  
John is relieved these two are acting civilly towards each other. Rosie climbs off John's lap and onto Sherlock's lap.

  
JOHN  
I don't know if Sherlock can hold you right now, Rosie.

  
SHERLOCK  
John, it's fine. Don't be such a fusspot.

  
AUDREY  
(holding up bundle)  
I brought you a veggie lasagna. I had it in the freezer. All this cheese might not be good for someone with a heart condition though...

  
SHERLOCK  
(blasé)  
It's hardly a heart condition.

  
MEDIC #2  
Oi! It most certainly is!

  
Mrs. Hudson enters with a tray of snacks.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Oh Sherlock, stop teasing!  
(gesturing to snacks)  
Well, here you are! Audrey, how lovely of you to bring dinner, so thoughtful! Come with me, let's pop it in the oven. And Rosie, I bet you'll be wanting dinner. Come dear, I know exactly what you like. 

  
Mrs. Hudson picks up Rosie.

  
MRS HUDSON  
And if you do a good job with your dinner, we'll go find a biscuit at my place. Your father won't mind.

  
ROSIE  
Biscuit!

  
The medics dive into the snacks. Audrey, Mrs. Hudson, and Rosie head to the kitchen.

  
JOHN  
(calling after them)  
Much obliged, Mrs H! Thank you for bringing dinner, Audrey. You're a saint!

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - A FEW MINUTES LATER

  
Rosie is in her booster seat happily eating pieces of cheese, fruit, peas, and ham. Mrs. Hudson prepares plates for John and Sherlock, while Audrey does some washing up.

  
MRS HUDSON  
(gesturing to sitting room, whispering)  
Audrey, come look.

  
Audrey joins Mrs. Hudson and they cautiously peek over at the sitting room. The medics are packing up. John and Sherlock sit on the sofa, quietly talking together. Something Sherlock says makes John smile and he leans over and gives Sherlock a peck on the cheek. Sherlock looks very pleased. 

  
Audrey and Mrs. Hudson exchange a knowing smile.

  
AUDREY  
How long has this been going on, Mrs. Hudson? Just last week John was insisting they weren't a couple. I tried setting him up with one of my friends, for heaven's sake!

  
MRS HUDSON  
Oh, very recent, dear. Very! But it has been a long time in the making. A long time. I was worried it would never happen. So many obstacles in the way... most of which they created themselves, you know.  
(sighing)  
You don't know how it does my heart good to see it.

  
AUDREY  
Yeah, I should say so.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Look how happy they look.

They peek over at the couple on the sofa again.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

  
The medics are gone and Sherlock and John are indeed in their own little world on the sofa.

  
SHERLOCK  
(looking bashful)  
I'm relieved you weren't breaking up with me.

  
JOHN  
No, I wasn't, not at all.  
(after a moment)  
But I DID overreact and ended up scaring you. And I apologize.

  
SHERLOCK  
Well, it's all right, now.

  
JOHN  
(gently admonishing)  
But did you really need to be such a drama queen about it and give yourself a heart condition over it?

  
SHERLOCK  
It's not a heart condition.

  
JOHN  
It is.

  
SHERLOCK  
Barley.

John smiles softly at Sherlock and gives him a very gentle kiss on the lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn it, Sherlock. We know it's not your fault, you and your sensitive heart... but damn it, you are cockblocking yourself and everyone else.  
> John, you're no innocent bystander here either, buddy.


	8. Midnight Longings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is horny. Sherlock goes on a short holiday.  
> Smut Alert for part of this chapter. It will be labeled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John is horny, like all the time now. Poor guy.

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - LATER THAT SAME NIGHT (FRIDAY)

  
John descends the stairs from his upstairs room having just put Rosie to bed. He enters the sitting room finding Sherlock on his chair, reading on his phone. Sherlock yawns.

  
JOHN  
Someone's tired from an eventful day, isn't he?

  
SHERLOCK  
(pouting)  
I'm too tired to be goaded, John.

  
JOHN  
(hands on hips)  
Well, let's get you to bed, then.

  
Sherlock studies John carefully.

  
SHERLOCK  
John, will you... sleep in my bedroom with me tonight? To help monitor my SVT?

  
JOHN  
You're not likely to have a bout of it during your sleep.

  
SHERLOCK  
(sheepishly)  
It has happened before... I suddenly wake up in the night and my heart is pounding like mad. So, I'm a bit worried about it happening tonight.

  
John rubs his face with worry and annoyance. 

  
JOHN  
The fact that you have never once consulted a doctor about this is astounding to me! Or, you're faking it for sympathy. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(legitimately hurt)  
I'm much too worn out to be faking anything, at the moment. And anyway, preventing myself from manufacturing false and manipulative emotions is something I've been working hard on with my therapist...

  
JOHN  
(with guilt)  
I apologize Sherlock. That was cruel of me to say. Particularly after the day you've had.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's all right, John. 

  
JOHN  
Yes, I'll sleep with you tonight.

  
SHERLOCK  
(grinning)  
Believe me, this is not the circumstances I would have chosen for our first time spending the night together.

  
JOHN  
(grinning, too)  
Jesus, Sherlock! No, not what I expected either. Let me go throw on some PJ's and clean my teeth and I'll meet you in your room in a few.

  
Sherlock nods and John leaves the room to head upstairs.

  
INT. SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

  
John enters and finds Sherlock standing a bit awkwardly in the middle of the room. John holds up the baby monitor. 

  
JOHN  
I should plug this in somewhere.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh, uh, there's a wall socket by the dresser.

  
JOHN  
Perfect.

  
John heads over to plug it in and set it up on top of the dresser. He plugs in his phone too.

  
JOHN  
So, what side of the bed do you sleep on?

  
SHERLOCK  
Er... sort of take up the whole middle, usually.

  
JOHN  
Well, that figures, but it won't work for tonight. Pick a side, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
No, you choose, by all means.

  
JOHN  
(sighing)  
Fine. Where is your phone plugged in?

  
Sherlock points to the left side night table.

  
JOHN  
Fine. You get the left. I'll take the right. How does that sound?

  
SHERLOCK  
Peachy.

  
John notices that Sherlock suddenly looks very tired.

  
JOHN  
Okay, in you go. Your body needs to rest and recover.

  
SHERLOCK  
If you say so, doctor.

  
JOHN  
I say so.

  
Sherlock gingerly climbs into bed. John turns off the lights and gets in on the right side of the bed, pulling the duvet over both of them. He settles in, lying on his back.

  
JOHN  
All right.

  
Sherlock immediately cuddles up right next to John. Sherlock's head is on John's shoulder and his arm is thrown around John.

  
JOHN  
Oh! Well, okay then... I don't mind.

  
Sherlock mumbles a bit before falling asleep. John stares up at the ceiling.

  
LATER THAT NIGHT

  
John wakes up with a start. Sherlock is still wrapped around him and sleeping heavily. John tries to peer under the covers a bit, but isn't happy with what he sees.

  
**[SMUT ALERT - BEGIN]**

  
JOHN  
(quietly)  
Jesus! I'm completely hard. Bloody hell.

  
He considers for a moment what to do. He then carefully untangles himself from Sherlock's embrace without waking him, and quietly enters the bathroom.

  
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

  
By the glow of the night-light, he opens the mirror cabinet and takes out a small container of lube he's stashed there. He cautiously looks over his shoulder at the frosted glass door separating the bathroom from Sherlock's bedroom. He gingerly pulls down his pajamas and frees his painfully hard cock, inhaling through gritted teeth.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock, look what you've done to me.

  
John squeezes lubricant on his hands. He slowly works the bell-end with his left hand while holding the base of his penis with his right hand. He leans back against the sink. His eyes keep gravitating to the glass door as he strokes his shaft up and down, slowly.

  
JOHN  
You're a horrible person, John Watson. Your boyfriend is in the next room recovering from a heart episode, and all you think about is your own carnal needs.

  
John squeezes his knob as punishment, but it causes him to moan out in pleasure instead. A look of realization and a smile crosses John's face.

  
JOHN  
(whispering)  
MY boyfriend. Sherlock.

  
John closes his eyes with pleasure, as fantasies of Sherlock cross his mind. Sherlock: long, lean, all legs and neck... graceful.  
Sherlock kissing John passionately behind the tree in the park... Sherlock dearly loves to kiss, doesn't he?... and all the things John so desperately hopes all these deep kisses, all these embraces, will lead to. Someday. 

  
JOHN  
(whispering)  
God, I hope it will be soon.

  
His stroking increases in frequency and pressure, his hand closing over the tip of his cock and sliding roughly down to the base over and over. John's body begins to shudder; he moans quietly, rhythmically, with the intensity of it all. All too soon, John's orgasm comes fast and hard.

  
JOHN  
(more loudly than intended)  
Ahhh!

  
John closes his eyes as cum spills over his hand. He carefully opens one eye and peeks at the glass door again, afraid his cry has woken up Sherlock. After a few moments, he feels he's in the clear and washes up. 

In the dim light, John peers at his satisfied face in the mirror. He sighs with contentment. Not wishing to make noise, he opens the door to Sherlock's bedroom slowly.

**[SMUT - END]**

  
INT. SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

  
John walks over to the bed, where sleeping Sherlock has taken over the whole middle. John gazes fondly at Sherlock for a moment, then attempts to get in under the duvet without waking him. Sherlock mumbles a bit, but settles. Sherlock again throws a possessive arm around John, craving intimacy even in his sleep. John closes his eyes and sleep overcomes him.

  
MONTAGE - "JOHN IS RANDY" [IMPLIED SMUT]

  
**SUNDAY**

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - EVENING

  
Sherlock lies on the sofa, reading on his computer. John walk in the room with a laundry basket. Sherlock looks up at him.

  
SHERLOCK  
Will you sleep in my bed again tonight?

  
JOHN  
Er... yes. I gotta get this laundry folded first.

  
SHERLOCK  
(back to reading)  
Carry on.

  
JOHN  
It'll go faster if you help.

  
SHERLOCK  
(not paying attention)  
Hm?

  
John rolls his eyes, turns on the TV and starts folding laundry.

  
INT. SHERLOCK'S ROOM - LATER SAME NIGHT

  
John, in bed, is reading a book with his reading glasses on. Sherlock exits the bathroom in his pajamas. He giggles.

  
SHERLOCK  
You look cute in your glasses, Professor Watson.

  
JOHN  
(perking up, surprised)  
Er… thanks?

  
Sherlock gets into bed. John looks at him hopefully. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Could I turn off the light now?

  
JOHN  
(setting down glasses and book)  
Well, okay.

  
Sherlock dims the light. He leans over and kisses John sweetly four, five, six times. Each time John gets a little more into it, his desire growing. John's hand is entangled in Sherlock's curls by the end. Sherlock abruptly stops and smiles.

  
SHERLOCK  
Good night.

  
Sherlock immediately cuddles up to John, spooning him. Sherlock closes his eyes and yawns. Meanwhile, there is a look of immense frustration on John's face.

  
HOURS LATER

  
John wakes up abruptly. Sherlock is still spooning him, profoundly asleep. 

  
JOHN  
(quietly)  
Not again!

  
John extricates himself from Sherlock's embrace and heads to the bathroom.

  
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

  
John sighs, opens up the cabinet and grabs his container of lubricant.

  
**MONDAY**

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - EVENING

  
John washes dishes at the sink while listening to jazz music. Sherlock pops his head in from the hallway door.

  
SHERLOCK  
John. Will you sleep in my room tonight?

  
JOHN  
Okay. But there's all these dishes to do.

  
SHERLOCK  
(grinning)  
Great! Bye!

Sherlock scampers away.

  
JOHN  
(yelling after him)  
You could help, you know!

  
There's no answer, to John's annoyance.

  
INT. SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - LATER SAME NIGHT

  
Sherlock reads on his phone in bed. John exits the bathroom in his pajamas.

  
SHERLOCK  
(smiling)  
Oh good, get in bed.

  
John looks a little surprised and climbs in bed.

Sherlock extinguishes the light and snuggles up to John. Sherlock nuzzles against the back of John's neck, giving little kisses.

  
SHERLOCK  
Are you tired after such a long day?

  
JOHN  
(suggestively)  
Well... this is distracting me from my tiredness a wee bit.

  
SHERLOCK  
(misinterpreting, immediately ceases kisses)  
Oh, apologies. I'll stop.

  
JOHN  
I didn't mean...

  
SHERLOCK  
Good night, John.

  
JOHN  
(resigned)  
Good night.

  
HOURS LATER

  
John wakes up with a start. He puts his hand to his groin and grimaces a bit.

  
JOHN  
(hissing)  
Blimey!

  
He stalks to the bathroom and gets out the lube.

  
**TUESDAY**

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - EVENING

  
John walks in to find Sherlock deep in thought in his chair with his feet propped up on the laundry basket. John signs, not wanting to disturb Sherlock, but he needs to fold the laundry. He gently tugs the basket out from under Sherlock's feet.  
Sherlock comes out of his reverie, a bit disoriented, but spies John folding laundry and smiles.

  
SHERLOCK  
John, will you sleep in my room tonight?

  
John fixes him with a look of annoyance as he folds one of Rosie's shirts.

  
JOHN  
Is that necessary?

  
Sherlock looks hurt and puts his hand on his chest.

  
JOHN  
(huffing)  
Fine. But why don't you help me with --

  
SHERLOCK  
(interrupting)  
Great! I need to head downstairs to the lab... if I can just pinpoint the exact type of tea in those tea stains... won't be but an hour, ta!

  
Sherlock rushes out of the door before John can say anything.

  
SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - 3 HOURS LATER

  
John is fast asleep. Sherlock enters quietly, regarding John for a moment. Sherlock changes into his pajamas and gets into bed next to John, spooning him, per usual.

  
EVEN LATER SAME NIGHT

  
John wakes up to find Sherlock curled around him. He kisses Sherlock's hand before carefully getting out of bed and heading to the bathroom door. John wistfully looks back at Sherlock as he enters the bathroom.

  
END MONTAGE

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - WEDNESDAY EVENING

  
Sherlock is sprawled out on the sofa, on his phone. He can hear John descending the stairs and looks up expectantly. John enters the sitting room and walks over to the sofa.

  
JOHN  
(batting Sherlock's feet away)  
Scoot over.

  
Sherlock bends his knees and makes room for John, who sits down heavily, tired.

  
SHERLOCK  
John...

  
John knows what is coming and his shoulders sag. He closes his eyes and exhales grouchily.

  
JOHN  
What?

  
SHERLOCK  
Will you sleep in my room --

  
JOHN  
The doctor said you would only need close monitoring for a couple of days. It has been more than a couple of days.

  
SHERLOCK  
But --

  
JOHN  
I need a good night sleep. In my own bed.

  
SHERLOCK  
(weakly)  
It's just...

  
John appraises him carefully.

  
JOHN  
What is it Sherlock?

  
SHERLOCK  
I'm going to visit Eurus tomorrow.

  
JOHN  
What? Do you think that is a good idea, so soon after your heart episode?

  
SHERLOCK  
(chuckling)  
Pardon me, Doctor Watson, but you are being a bit inconsistent with your diagnosis. A minute ago, I no longer needed monitoring but now my supposed heart condition precludes me from travel. 

  
JOHN  
It's more about the stress of the situation. I'm worried about you. Your visits with Eurus always take a toll on you.

  
SHERLOCK  
Well, no worries. Mum and Dad are joining me this time.

  
JOHN  
(surprised)  
Oh!

  
SHERLOCK  
(dismissively)  
They've been overly concerned about my recent SVT attack and have been pestering me to see them. And it has been a while since they've visited Eurus.  
(after a moment)  
I'll be spending a couple of nights at their place, in fact. Maybe three.

  
John suddenly notices a small packed suitcase standing in the corner.

  
JOHN  
(with misgiving, sadness)  
Oh! I...

  
SHERLOCK  
(with a small smile)  
What is it, John?

  
JOHN  
(trying to put on a practical front)  
Well, I'll need to find someone to pick up Rosie tomorrow.

  
SHERLOCK  
I've already arranged it with Audrey.

  
JOHN  
Oh, that's jolly good. Well done, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
I knew you'd be impressed.

  
John gazes at his hands in his lap, looking troubled. Sherlock watches him intently.  
John looks over at Sherlock bravely.

  
JOHN  
Rosie and I are going to miss you.

  
Sherlock cannot suppress his joy in hearing this. He smiles softly. 

  
SHERLOCK  
I know you are going to miss me, John. That's why I'm hoping you'll join me tonight. And having your calming presence in my bed may give me the peace of mind I need to face Eurus tomorrow. 

  
JOHN  
(softly)  
Okay, I'll join you tonight.

  
SHERLOCK  
(also softly)  
I'm glad to hear it.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - SATURDAY MORNING

  
Rosie toddles through the kitchen and into the back hallway.

  
ROSIE  
Sherk! Sherk!

  
John enters the kitchen and peeks down the hall.

  
JOHN  
Rosie! Come back! Sherlock's not here, remember? He's visiting his mum and dad.

  
ROSIE (OFF SCREEN O.S.)  
Sherk!

  
JOHN  
He's not here! Come on, Rosie, it's the weekend. Let's make waffles together!

  
Rosie runs back into the kitchen.

  
ROSIE  
Waffle!

  
JOHN  
(picking her up)  
Yes, you love waffles, don't you? Let's get the ingredients.

  
ROSIE  
Sherk?

  
JOHN  
Yep, he's with his mum and dad... Do you remember them?

  
John gathers what he needs out of the fridge and cupboards as he talks.

  
JOHN  
They really liked you when they met you. They gave you your favorite dog shirt.

  
ROSIE  
Ruff! Ruff!

  
JOHN  
That's right! They're the closest thing you have to grandparents, really. Sorry my parents are such duds.

  
ROSIE  
Mycoff?

  
JOHN  
(shaking his head and laughing)  
Yes, you really like Mycroft, too, for whatever reason! Mycroft is Sherlock's brother.

  
ROSIE  
Brudder! Brudder!

  
John sets Rosie in her booster seat and gives her some blueberries to tide her over while he makes the waffle batter.

  
JOHN  
Someday it would be nice for you to have a little brother or sister... I don't know exactly how that would happen, but it is nice to have a sibling. Even my sister. Even the Eurus, Mycroft, Sherlock trio.  
(sighing, prepping batter)  
Anyway, we'll eat waffles and then I'll take you to the Docklands Museum to help us take our minds off the whole Holmes family, and how incredibly good they've been to both you and me, in their own odd ways.  
(turning to Rosie)  
What do you think of that?

  
Rosie is too engrossed in her blueberries to respond.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - JOHN AND ROSIE'S ROOM - SATURDAY NIGHT

  
John wakes up with a start in his own bed.

  
JOHN  
(quietly)  
What? Why? Why are you so bloody horny, John?

  
He tiptoes out of the room, closes the door silently, and heads downstairs.

  
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BATHROOM - 15 MINUTES LATER

  
The sound of John exclaiming loudly as he climaxes can be heard through the door, followed by water running. Presently, John exits the bathroom looking contented and sleepy.  
John starts down the hall towards the kitchen, but stops. He turns around slowly and approaches Sherlock's bedroom door. He opens it cautiously, and peeks in. Sherlock is not there, of course, but the bed looks very inviting. John stands at the door for a moment, looking wistful.

  
INT. SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

  
John enters, turns on the baby monitor, and gets into bed on his usual side. He sighs happily and settles down to sleep.

  
EXT. 221B BAKER STREET - MONDAY AFTERNOON/EVENING

  
John pushes Rosie in the stroller to the front door while trying to shield himself from the rain. They enter the building and John folds up the stroller.

  
INT. 221 BAKER STREET - ENTRANCE WAY - CONTINUOUS

  
John strips off his and Rosie's raincoats and wellies and hangs them to dry.

  
JOHN  
There you are, Rosie.

  
Rosie starts climbing the stairs to their flat.

  
JOHN  
Careful, Rosie, Careful.

  
John follows Rosie as she slowly (but triumphantly) makes it up the stairs. She claps with pride.

  
JOHN  
Good work!

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

  
John and Rosie enter and spot Sherlock sitting in his armchair, typing. He smiles brightly and puts down his laptop. Rosie races over to him.

  
ROSIE  
Sherk!

  
Sherlock scoops her up in a hug.

  
SHERLOCK  
Hello Rosie. Hello John.

  
JOHN  
(smiling hugely)  
She missed you. A lot.

  
SHERLOCK  
I missed you as well, Rosie.  
(winking)  
And you too, John.  
(to Rosie)  
What should we play, Rosie? Duplo?

  
Rosie nods, climbs to the floor and over to the container of Duplos on the book shelf. With help from Sherlock, she's able to get them off the shelf and promptly dumps them on the carpet.

  
JOHN  
(settling in his armchair)  
How was your visit with Eurus and your parents? You stayed a day longer than expected.

  
Sherlock sits cross-legged on the floor with Rosie, idly stacking Duplo. He grins up at John.

  
SHERLOCK  
It all went surprisingly well. My parents were delighted to have me home. I did my best to be delighted back. Within reason, of course.

  
JOHN  
You didn't have Bill Wiggins poison their morning tea, or anything like that?

  
SHERLOCK  
Bill Wiggins has come a long way, John. Attending a program for mature students, now. I'm very proud of him. Doing very well in chemistry class he tells me.

  
JOHN  
(smirking)  
I bet.

  
SHERLOCK  
How was everything here, with you and Rosie?

  
JOHN  
Fine, a little quiet at times, to be honest.

  
ROSIE  
Sherk!

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, Rosie. What should we build?

  
ROSIE  
Woooo!

  
SHERLOCK  
Ohhh, are you a ghost? Emelia Ricoletti, perhaps?

  
Rosie nods enthusiastically. John rubs his face and shakes his head.

  
JOHN  
(mumbling)  
Oh lord.

  
SHERLOCK  
Let's build a cemetery for you and all your ghostly friends, Emelia.

  
ROSIE  
Wooo! Wooooo!

  
SHERLOCK  
(with a twinkle in his eye)  
Did you get good sleep, John? While I was gone?

  
JOHN  
(bashfully)  
Er... yes, of course.

  
SHERLOCK  
In my bed. Obviously.

  
JOHN  
What? No...

  
SHERLOCK  
(rolling eyes)  
Please, John. It's totally fine that you did.

  
JOHN  
(amazed)  
How did you know?

  
Sherlock continues to build a Duplo cemetery for Rosie as he talks. Rosie makes ghost noises and other playful sounds.

  
SHERLOCK  
For starters, you left my bed neater than I ever do. Hospital corners. It has to be that military training of yours.

  
JOHN  
Uh, that only means I made your bed for you... doesn't mean I actually slept --

  
SHERLOCK  
But mostly it is your scent all over my bedsheets. 

  
JOHN  
(appalled)  
My what?!

  
SHERLOCK  
Your scent. Your natural aroma. 

  
JOHN  
(with head in hands)  
I forgot I was dating a bloodhound.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, well, it is hard to miss. It's quite gamy. 

  
JOHN  
(muttering)  
Sherlock, this is so embarrassing.

  
SHERLOCK  
Why, John? It's not a bad smell. I like it. It's musky. Very masculine. 

  
JOHN  
This conversation makes me want to go take a shower right this instant.

  
SHERLOCK  
(ignoring him)  
Yes, by the way it is lingering in the bed clothes, especially the pillow, I'd say you slept in my bed at least one night, more likely two... you definitely slept there last night.

  
JOHN  
(throwing back head in embarrassment)  
Oh God!

  
SHERLOCK  
John, if you really don't want me to know that you use my bed when I'm gone, then you ought to remember to turn off the baby monitor when you leave.

  
Sherlock winks at John.

  
JOHN  
(shyly)  
Right. Good point. Look, I apologize. It wasn't premeditated. I came downstairs to use the loo and it just sort of happened.

  
SHERLOCK  
(impishly)  
Yes, well, that would explain one night, but what about the subsequent night? That is to say, last night, hmm?

  
JOHN  
Errrr…

SHERLOCK  
(sweetly)  
John, look, I said it was fine. It's nice knowing that you missed me so much. 

  
JOHN  
Maybe I missed your bed is all; it is quite comfy. 

SHERLOCK  
Right, right, right. And whenever you'd like to come and stink up my bed, please know you have an open invitation. 

  
JOHN  
(rubbing his head and eyes)  
I'll keep that in mind.


	9. Midnight Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets caught in the act. Smut alert for the whole chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course John gets caught. We knew this was going to happen.

**[SMUT ALERT FOR ENTIRE CHAPTER]**

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

  
John and Sherlock are asleep in bed. Per usual, John wakes up with a start... and an erection.

  
JOHN  
(wincing, quietly)  
Here we go again.

He softly makes his way out of bed and into the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

  
John is well into his masturbation routine already. He doesn't notice the figure at the frosted glass door.

  
SHERLOCK  
(speaking through door)  
John?

  
JOHN  
(jumping out of his skin)  
Shit!

  
SHERLOCK  
What are you doing in there?

  
John pulls up his pajama bottoms quickly.

  
JOHN  
(barking)  
I'm pissing, what's it to you, Sherlock?

  
SHERLOCK  
Pissing doesn't take that long, John.

  
JOHN  
Well, maybe it's number two.

  
SHERLOCK  
Standing up? John, please tell me you don't stand up to poo.

  
JOHN  
Do you need to use the toilet or what?

  
SHERLOCK  
Well, no, I --

  
JOHN  
(screaming)  
Then give me some bloody privacy!

  
SHERLOCK  
Quiet John, you'll wake the whole house.  
(opening door)  
I don't understand why you have your knickers in a twist.

  
JOHN  
Do not open this door, Sherlock! What did I just say about privacy?!

  
Too late, Sherlock is fully in the bathroom now, observation powers in full force. In the dim glow of the night-light, he spies the bottle of lube that John has carelessly left on the sink.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh!

  
John grabs the bottle and hides it behind his back. Sherlock focuses next on John's midsection.

  
SHERLOCK  
Ohhhhh... you...

  
JOHN  
(flustered)  
Have an erection? Yes. Well, half of one now. I was trying to take care of it before you interrupted, thank you very much.

  
SHERLOCK  
(in thought, analyzing)  
Does this happen a lot? In the middle of the night like this?

  
JOHN  
Well, yes. With some frequency.   
(sighing, coming clean)  
It has been happening a lot more lately... us, spending so much time in bed together... the kisses, the cuddling. The proximity to you, night after night. 

  
Sherlock's eyes are wide with surprise.

  
SHERLOCK  
Er... wow... I had no idea.

  
JOHN  
Sorry to be so horny.

  
SHERLOCK  
Well, it certainly is flattering.

  
JOHN  
(miserably)  
For you, maybe. It's rather humiliating for me.

  
Sherlock quietly considers the situation for a moment.

  
SHERLOCK  
What I would like to propose may conflict with your earlier edict about "taking it slow"...

  
JOHN  
It was not an edict!

  
SHERLOCK  
Of course, John, of course. Nonetheless, if you are open to the idea, I would like to lend you a hand.

  
JOHN  
Er... what?

  
SHERLOCK  
Would you like my help, John?

  
JOHN  
(without thinking)  
Yes.

  
SHERLOCK  
Excellent. Come to bed. Bring the lubricant.

  
Sherlock turns and walks back into his room.

  
JOHN  
(coming to his senses)  
Sherlock, wait --

  
SHERLOCK (O.S. OFF SCREEN)  
Come along.

  
John follows with trepidation.

  
INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

  
Sherlock stand by the bed, tapping his lip as he contemplates. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Get in.

  
JOHN  
(with misgivings)  
But --

  
Sherlock gives him a stern look and points to the bed. John lies down, pouting.

  
JOHN  
I've basically lost my erection at this point, Sherlock. 

  
SHERLOCK  
We can fix that.

  
Before John knows it, Sherlock is on his hands and knees straddling John. With a wicked little smile on his face, Sherlock begins kissing John passionately, gently exploring John's mouth with his tongue. John, at first in shock, takes a moment to respond. Soon he closes his eyes and hungrily returns Sherlock's kisses, touching tongues lightly, then more forcefully. They have never kissed so intensely, and they are both savoring every moment of it. John's hands fly to Sherlock's waist, skimming over his round bum. Sherlock slips a hand up John's shirt to explore his chest and torso, which evokes a hearty moan from John. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(peaking at John's erection tenting his pajamas)  
See, it didn't take long to recover, did it?

  
JOHN  
No, it didn't. 

  
Sherlock suddenly sits back on his heels and cocks his head, studying John.

  
SHERLOCK  
Show me how you masturbate, John.

  
JOHN  
(embarrassed)  
Sherlock, really, that's so... personal.

  
SHERLOCK  
John, do you want me to help you?

  
JOHN  
(licking lips)  
Yes, very much so.

  
SHERLOCK  
(matter-of-factly)  
Well then. In order for me to do a proper job -- and I pride myself on doing things properly -- I need to know how you like to pleasure yourself.

  
JOHN  
I could just talk you through the steps.

  
SHERLOCK  
(tsking)  
I'm a visual learner, John. Please, show me.

  
JOHN  
(resigned)  
Fine. Do be kind, though. No snickering.

  
SHERLOCK  
(affronted)  
This is a serious matter, John. Of course I will treat it as such.

  
JOHN  
Okay, okay. Settle down.  
(pausing)  
Could you... give me a few more kisses? To help get me in the mood? All this arguing has put me off.

SHERLOCK  
It's not arguing, it's discussing. You are so keen on us discussing all aspects of our relationship, remember?

  
JOHN  
(impatiently)  
Sherlock, please.

  
Sherlock obliges with a batch of kisses. He lightly teases John, pulling away from each kiss a little early, leaving John a bit wanting. John slips his hand down his own pajama pants to fondle his hardening cock.

  
JOHN  
(with some frustration)  
Sherlock!

  
Sherlock responds with a long, deep, satisfying kiss. Sherlock repositions himself to lie on his side next to John, propping himself up on an elbow so he can get a good view.

  
SHERLOCK  
Please. Proceed.

  
John glances up at Sherlock's focused expression: the detective is, in fact, taking it very seriously. 

  
JOHN  
Okay, here goes...

  
John carefully pulls down his pajamas a bit to free his erection. He reaches for the lube on the side table, and squeezes some out on his hand.

  
SHERLOCK  
How much?

  
JOHN  
Er... a dollop?

  
SHERLOCK  
What's that in milliliters?

  
JOHN  
I have no idea, Sherlock. Can I continue please?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, by all means. We can measure a dollop later.

  
JOHN  
Thank you.

John, fighting embarrassment, places one hand at the base of his cock, and massages the tip with his other hand. Sherlock watches intently. John begins stroking the length of his penis in earnest. 

  
SHERLOCK  
How much pressure are you using?

  
JOHN  
Uh... I don't know? A fair amount? I'll definitely need to talk you through that part.

  
SHERLOCK  
Okay then. And rhythm? Do you increase in frequency over time?

  
JOHN  
Yes, I suppose so... Sherlock, all this talking... making it hard to concentrate here.

  
Sherlock responds by giving John another deep kiss, this time sliding his hand over John's shirt and down his belly to join John's busy hands.

  
JOHN  
Don't forget lubricant. A dollop. 

  
Sherlock grins coyly and leans over John to reach for the lubricant on the side table. John carefully watches Sherlock's face as Sherlock squeezes out some lube on his long fingers. But when Sherlock catches him in the act, John looks away bashfully. Sherlock's grin grows. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Move your hands away, John.

  
John complies, his eyes returning to watching Sherlock's face. John spread his legs wide and Sherlock kneels in the space John has created. Sherlock carefully studies the lay of the land: John's rock-hard cock waiting for his touch. 

  
SHERLOCK  
As I am right-handed, I will need it for the... delicate work... so I will put my left hand at the base... firmly?

  
John nods and closes his eyes with the pleasure of having Sherlock, at last, touching him.

  
JOHN  
Yes. You can hold it more firmly even... and farther down... yes, there, very good.

  
SHERLOCK  
And now the right hand...

  
Sherlock lightly massages the bell-end of John's cock, as he watched John do earlier. 

  
JOHN  
(gasping with delight)  
Sherlock!

  
Sherlock quickly looks up to analyze John's expression. They lock eyes for a moment. John's face flushes.

  
SHERLOCK  
You all right?

  
JOHN  
Yes... you have such a light touch... but it feels amazing.

  
SHERLOCK  
And a little more pressure for the stroking bit, correct?  
(with an impish grin)  
WHEN I start stroking, that is.

  
John bites his lip.

  
JOHN  
Don't be a tease, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock rubs the end of John's penis ever so lightly.

  
SHERLOCK  
(huskily)  
But it's ever so much fun.

  
JOHN  
(yelling sharply)  
Sherlock!

  
Sherlock grabs the shaft of John's penis, stroking slowly, and leans in close to John's face.

  
SHERLOCK  
(low but firm)  
John, I warned you. You'll wake up Rosie... and Mrs. Hudson. Do mind your noise levels, please.

  
John turns his head to the side, eyes closed with pleasure, and moans.   
Sherlock concentrates on his work, his eyes ping-ponging between John's groin and his face, attempting to measure John's reaction and adjusting accordingly.

  
SHERLOCK  
Keep me informed on what I need to adjust, John.

  
JOHN  
Er... a bit more lube... more pressure with your right hand...

  
Sherlock complies.

  
JOHN  
(gasping)  
Oh yes!

  
SHERLOCK  
Good to know.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock, go faster....

  
Sherlock obliges, picking up the pace of his strokes: from tip to base, and back up. John moans loudly. 

  
Sherlock use the available fingers of his left hand to gently caress John's bollocks. John whimpers in response.

  
JOHN  
What are you doing?

  
SHERLOCK  
An experiment.

  
JOHN  
Goes against the flatmate agreement...

SHERLOCK  
Oh. Right. Should I stop?

  
JOHN  
God, no.

  
Sherlock smiles in triumph and continues to caress John with his left hand while stroking him with his right. John has some happy genitals right now. 

  
JOHN  
(strained, breath erratic)  
Sherlock... I'm coming soon... please, a little faster. Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
(deeply)  
Yes, John.

  
Sherlock increases the speed of his stroke, watching his own hand slide up and down John's quivering cock. He switches his gaze to John's face. John has his head thrown back, mouth open, his eyes squeezed tight in anticipation. John breathes heavily and moans deeply. Sherlock can't take his eyes off of John's expression -- the beautiful ecstasy he's witnessing.   
John's hips thrust up, but Sherlock is prepared; dutifully working John's cock to climax.

  
JOHN  
(very loudly)  
Aaauuugggghhhh!!

  
Cum spills over Sherlock's hand as John's body convulses orgasmically. Sherlock lessens his grip on John's penis, but does not entirely let go. Sherlock carefully watches John who pants in recovery. He so badly wants to kiss John right now.

  
JOHN  
(opening one eye and fixing it on Sherlock)  
What are you doing?

  
SHERLOCK  
(fibbing)  
Listening to see if you've woken up the household, or the neighbors, or perhaps the whole block.

  
John turns his head away and smiles. Sherlock does as well. Sherlock finally, gently releases John's cock.

  
SHERLOCK  
(looking about the room)  
Best to clean up now...

  
John leans over to the side table drawer, extracts some tissues, and hands them to Sherlock.

  
JOHN  
Here you go.

  
SHERLOCK  
(studying the tissue)  
The wet wipes would work better for this sort of thing.

  
JOHN  
Oh, yeah, good idea. I'll be sure to get us some.  
(gesturing to the tissues)  
But for now, could you just use those?

  
Sherlock mops up, rather meticulously, to John's relief and surprise. It is John's turn to surreptitiously watch Sherlock's somber face. John can't help but be in awe of the man.   
As Sherlock finishes cleaning, he glances up and sees John's expression, although he can't quite figure it out. John gives him a reassuring smile. 

  
Sherlock returns the smile and tosses the tissues onto the floor. (So much for cleanliness.) He lies down next to John, propping himself up on his elbow to look at John's face.

  
JOHN  
Thank you... that was...

  
John can only smile. Sherlock smiles back.

  
SHERLOCK  
(low)  
Don't mention it.

  
Sherlock's face grows serious, and he leans over to give John the kiss he's been wanting desperately to give him for the last several minutes. It is sweet and lingering, but oh so possessive. John cups Sherlock's face gently and does all he can to prolong this wonderful kiss, this wonderful moment.   
Sherlock and John lie back, satisfied. That is, until concern creeps onto John's face. 

  
JOHN  
Is there anything I can do for YOU, Sherlock?

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh no... it's late... I'm fine.

  
John sits up while Sherlock exhales in exasperation.

  
JOHN  
I'd really like to --

  
SHERLOCK  
Really, John, no. That won't be necessary.

  
JOHN  
(worried, disappointed)  
It not about necessity, I'd just really, really --

  
SHERLOCK  
(firmly but kindly)  
No, John. Please. Lie back down and rest.

  
John does so reluctantly. Sherlock leans over to kiss him, trying to kiss John's distress away. It almost works.  
Sherlock nestled his head on John's chest for a sleepy cuddle.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's fine, it's all fine, John. Having you here is all that I need and want. Good night.

  
JOHN  
(still a bit worried)  
Good night.

  
They both close their eyes, ready for sleep.

  
SHERLOCK  
(drowsily)  
Next time, fewer clothes, if you don't mind.

  
JOHN  
(with a grin at his lips)  
Absolutely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I accidentally pasted this entire chapter into a spreadsheet of a shared Google Doc for work, and then spent nearly an hour trying to fix it and cover my tracks! Whoopsies.


	10. A rainy, randy Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mrs. Hudson visits Rosie and the boys on a rainy Saturday. Sherlock is obnoxious.  
> Later that night, another sexual encounter, this time with less clothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut Alert for the second half of this chapter. It will be labeled.

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - SATURDAY MORNING

  
Rosie eats in her booster seat, while John prepares some fruit, yogurt, and toast for himself. Sherlock enters in his swishy housecoat and groggily gets himself coffee from the coffee maker. He even adds milk so that he can drink it more quickly: his need for caffeine is pressing.  
Sherlock regards John sourly. John furrows his brow in response.

  
SHERLOCK  
(grumpily)  
I didn't hear you get up this morning.

  
JOHN  
(confused)  
I didn't sleep in your room last night, could that be why?

  
SHERLOCK  
(brightening)  
Oh, right.

  
Sherlock takes some more sips of coffee and begins to feel better. John sits down next to Rosie.

  
ROSIE  
Sherk?

  
SHERLOCK  
Now that I've had my coffee, I can say good morning to you properly, Rosie.  
(smiling sweetly)  
Good morning, Rosie!

  
Rosie flails with glee, knocking her toast on the floor. She looks down at it in dismay, fussing.

  
JOHN  
(sighing)  
Here, Rosie, you can have some of my toast. 

  
He hands her a piece of toast from his own plate and she accepts happily. Sherlock leans against the counter and appraises John up and down with a gleam in his eye.

  
SHERLOCK  
What's going on today?

  
JOHN  
Well, rainy Saturday, laundry day...

  
Sherlock spies the laundry basket and grins devilishly. John looks at him like he's gone mad.

  
JOHN  
(clearing his throat)  
And Mrs. H is coming up later this morning for a little visit, right Rosie?

  
ROSIE  
(excitedly)  
H! H!

  
SHERLOCK  
Well then, I need to tend to some things down in my lab and Lestrade sent me information on a promising new case, but I'll come back up for Mrs. Hudson's visit... I'm sure she'll bring biscuits.  
(reaching for the coffee pot)  
Need more coffee, though.

  
JOHN  
(tapping his own chest)  
All that caffeine will trigger your SVT. Bad for the ticker! At least have some breakfast.

  
Sherlock pouts, walks over, and grabs the rest of the toast off of John's plate and take a bite. Sherlock flounces out of the room.

  
SHERLOCK  
Ta!

  
John sighs heavily and looks at his sad toastless plate. He gets up to place more bread in the toaster.

  
Suddenly Sherlock bursts back into the kitchen (toast still in hand) and walks deliberately over to John. With his free hand, he grabs John by the waist and pulls him in for a big ol' kiss. John looks stunned.

Rosie makes kissing noises. Sherlock walks over and plants a kiss on the top of her head, to her delight.

  
SHERLOCK  
Later!

  
And he disappears again.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - LATE MORNING

  
Mrs. Hudson and Rosie are coloring at the coffee table. John sits on a chair watching them contently. Mrs. Hudson has indeed brought tea and biscuits, and from the state of Rosie's crumb-covered face, she's already had some.

  
MRS HUDSON  
And here's a flower... and a cat...

  
ROSIE  
Meow!

  
MRS HUDSON  
That's right! What a clever girl you are. So clever, John!

  
John smiles at her compliment, but gets a sad look in his eyes.

  
JOHN  
She gets all her cleverness from her mother.

  
MRS HUDSON  
(smoothly)  
Rosie got the best of both you, I'd say. Mary's cleverness, and all her father's sweetness. And her head-strongness... from all three of you.

  
JOHN  
All three?

  
Sherlock enters and makes a beeline for the tea and biscuits. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(pleasantly, with a mouth full of biscuit)  
Hello, Mrs. Hudson!

  
MRS HUDSON  
(winking to John)  
All three.  
(to Sherlock)  
Sherlock, how are you dear?

  
SHERLOCK  
Splendid!  
(suddenly remembering)  
Oh! If a man delivers some pig parts later this afternoon while I'm out, could you please sign for them, Mrs. H?

  
MRS HUDSON  
Pig parts?!

  
ROSIE  
Oink! Oink!

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, they don't need to be refrigerated or anything... you can just leave them in the hall.

  
MRS HUDSON  
I'll not have pig parts cluttering up my hallway, Sherlock Holmes! I'll have the deliveryman take them straight down to the basement, thank you very much.

  
SHERLOCK  
As you wish.

  
ROSIE  
Oink!

  
MRS HUDSON  
Shall we draw a pig now, Rosie?  
(eying Sherlock disdainfully)  
A pig with all its parts still attached?

  
Rosie nods her head and Mrs. Hudson starts drawing.

  
JOHN  
(to Sherlock)  
You heading out this afternoon?

  
SHERLOCK  
(excitedly)  
Yes! A case! A string of mysterious poisonings! It's fantastic! Scotland Yard even thinks it’s important enough to work on a Saturday, believe it or not. I'm meeting Nazir at two.

  
JOHN  
(with some jealousy)  
Oh. Have a good time then.

  
MRS HUDSON  
The case sounds lovely, Sherlock.   
(studying John)  
You know, John... if you ever want me to watch Rosie while you nip out with Sherlock on one of his cases...

  
Sherlock perks up at this, but John looks very glum indeed.

  
JOHN  
I'm afraid my sleuthing days are behind me, but thank you Mrs. Hudson.

  
Sherlock looks crestfallen.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Still, the offer stands, if you change your mind.  
(smiling)  
Or, perhaps you'd like me to babysit for a night out sometime?

  
John, intrigued, looks questioningly towards Sherlock who seems a bit lost.

  
SHERLOCK  
A night out?

  
MRS HUDSON  
(rolling her eyes)  
A date, Sherlock.

  
JOHN  
You know, a date. It's when two people who like each other go out and have fun...

  
SHERLOCK  
(perturbed)  
I know what a date is.

  
Sherlock takes another biscuit, flops onto the sofa, and crunches it noisily. He looks over at John and his expression changes from annoyance to intense desire.

  
SHERLOCK  
(without taking lustful eyes off John)  
Yes, a date. That would be quite nice, Mrs. H, thank you. 

  
Both John and Mrs. Hudson look very uncomfortable. Rosie toddles over to the tea tray and helps herself to another biscuit.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Rosie darling, you've had your fill of biscuits. But maybe you are hungry? John, may I take her to the kitchen for something healthy?

  
JOHN  
Yes, absolutely. Thank you kindly, Mrs. Hudson.

  
Mrs. Hudson takes Rosie's hand and walks her towards the kitchen.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Let's go get some yummy food, Rosie!

  
SHERLOCK  
(barely waiting for them to leave the room)  
It's too bad I'm gone this afternoon... we could have some fun while Rosie napped.

  
JOHN  
(aghast, stage whisper)  
Sherlock! Keep your voice down!

  
SHERLOCK  
(smiling lasciviously)  
So much fun.

  
JOHN  
Hush!

  
SHERLOCK  
(still too loudly)  
Spend the night in my room tonight, John. Please.

  
John, alarmed that Mrs. Hudson can hear, quickly looks towards the kitchen. She has, in fact, heard everything, but she bustles around the kitchen pretending she hasn't.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock, for God's sake, be quieter!

  
SHERLOCK  
(finally quieter)  
Please, John. Will you spend the night?

  
JOHN  
(with some annoyance)  
Yes, Sherlock. Yes, I will.  
(sighing)  
You know you're a bit much today, don't you?

  
SHERLOCK  
I lean towards the ridiculous sometimes, yes. Good thing you'll be getting a break from me this afternoon.

  
Sherlock sips some tea and grabs yet another biscuit. John looks on disapprovingly.

  
JOHN  
Please promise me you'll eat something before you go.

  
Sherlock holds up the biscuit in defiance. 

  
JOHN  
Something more substantial. 

  
Sherlock rises and heads to the kitchen.

  
SHERLOCK  
(over his shoulder)  
Not to worry, John. Mrs. Hudson will fix me something healthy and substantial, surely.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - LATER SATURDAY EVENING

  
John finishes washing the dishes and removes his rubber gloves. He crosses the kitchen, turns off the light, and enters...

  
INT. SITTING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

  
He spies Sherlock sprawled out on the sofa, tapping away on his phone. John settles into the adjacent chair.

  
JOHN  
I got your text.

  
SHERLOCK  
Just wanting you to know I was home.

  
JOHN  
You could have easily popped your head in the kitchen to tell me that, you know.

  
SHERLOCK  
(still focused on phone)  
Hm, you were busy.

  
JOHN  
Heaven forbid you help out. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Er... sorry... what?

  
JOHN  
(rolling eyes)  
Nevermind. Did you get a chance to eat?

  
SHERLOCK  
(while texting)  
Yes, Nazir fed me. She knows how much I like Pakistani cuisine and she knows all the good places... this one was particularly good; I'll take you sometime.

  
John watches Sherlock who is utterly absorbed with his phone.

  
JOHN  
Whatcha want to do tonight? Some telly? Or you can continue on your phone and I'll go get my book...

  
Sherlock is instantly on his feet, his phone pocketed. He boldly walks over to John, takes him by his hands and pulls him to standing. Sherlock bends his head down to plant a kiss on John's lips. Their fingers entwine and the kissing becomes more intense. Sherlock breaks off the kiss reluctantly, resting his forehead on John's.

  
SHERLOCK  
(gruffly)  
I think I've made my intentions for tonight abundantly clear... dropping not so subtle hints all day long, John.

  
JOHN  
(breathlessly)  
Yes, you have.

  
SHERLOCK  
The question is, are you so inclined?

  
John ponders this for a moment.

  
JOHN  
Yes, I am.

  
Sherlock smiles and without another word, pulls John by the hand towards his bedroom.

  
**[SMUT ALERT - BEGIN]**

  
INT. SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

  
The lights are dim, but not off -- Sherlock wants to be able to see everything, after all. John stands in the middle of the room with his arms crossed, while Sherlock circles him slowly, contemplating, with a lusty grin on his lips and in his eyes. John doesn't know what to make of all this.

SHERLOCK  
May I undress you, John?

  
JOHN  
Well, all right, if I can undress you as well.

  
SHERLOCK  
(still circling)  
Well, if you must. It won't be nearly as much fun as undressing you, though. You've seen me in _le déshabillement_ countless times... in Buckingham Palace no less.  
(with a cocked eyebrow, glancing at John's crotch)  
If I remember correctly, you found my sheet coming off rather... exciting?

  
JOHN  
(flushing with embarrassment)  
There's no way you could have known that!

  
SHERLOCK  
(smugly)  
You're right, John, there's no way I could have known that, although I always suspected it. Thank you for the confirmation, however. 

  
John squeezes his eyes shut, mortified. Sherlock pauses and stands a mere foot away from John, facing him.

  
SHERLOCK  
(quietly)  
John, there's nothing wrong with it.  
(sighing)  
What will we do with this repression of yours?  
(after no response)  
All right, John. I'll stop teasing you. 

  
John at last opens his eyes, but he still looks upset.  
Sherlock gives John a few gentle kisses to appease him. Sherlock's hands go to John's waist, one hands slips under John's jumper. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Now, about these jumpers of yours...

  
JOHN  
(with a smile)  
I thought you weren't going to tease me anymore.

  
SHERLOCK  
I would never tease you about your jumpers... or the fact you wear them ten months out of the year.

  
Sherlock now has both hands under John's jumper, thoroughly exploring John's torso.

  
JOHN  
(licking his lips)  
Still sounds like teasing to me.

  
SHERLOCK  
So soft and cozy... but what's going on underneath those jumpers, that's what's always intrigued me, John. I've always wanted to see.

  
With a crocked smile, Sherlock lifts the jumper off of John's head, then off his arms. It is chucked onto the floor unceremoniously. Sherlock smiles down at John.

  
SHERLOCK  
And now for the button down.

  
Sherlock begins unbuttoning John's shirt from the top.

  
JOHN  
And yours...

  
John reaches up to do the same for Sherlock's shirt. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Yours are often checked, or plaid, occasionally tartan. Although not today.

  
JOHN  
Yours, however, are always skin-tight.

  
SHERLOCK  
I like to feel a bit constricted. 

  
They continue the unbuttoning.

JOHN  
(struggling)  
You really make these buttons work hard, you know.

  
SHERLOCK  
I reward them handsomely. Turn around, please.

  
John obeys and Sherlock carefully strips him of his shirt, tossing it with the jumper. Standing behind John, Sherlock spread his hands across John's strong compact back, exploring, observing. John is stock still, taking in the sensation of Sherlock's touch. Sherlock's eyes focus on the scar on John's left shoulder.

  
SHERLOCK  
Your war wound. Is it sensitive?

  
JOHN  
Not really.

  
SHERLOCK  
May I touch it?

  
JOHN  
Yep.

  
Sherlock kisses the scar gently, making John gasp. Sherlock wraps his arms around John's waist and kisses the scar again, and a third time. John throws his head back, enjoying it all, desire pooling in his loins.  
Sherlock's thumb slowly runs up and down John's stomach.

  
SHERLOCK  
Mmmmm... soft.

  
JOHN  
Paunchy, it was it is. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Hush now. It's no such thing.

  
John rotates in Sherlock's arms to face him and resumes, with some difficulty, stripping Sherlock of his tight shirt. Sherlock, amused, watches the look of concentration on John's face. Once the shirt is off, John regards Sherlock's long naked torso with desire and some envy. He lightly runs a knuckle down Sherlock's chest and stomach.

JOHN  
Not an ounce of fat on you.

Sherlock is too distracted by John's touch to come up with a witty response. 

  
JOHN  
(deeply)  
What about your scar, Sherlock? Too sensitive?

  
Sherlock closes his eyes with melancholy.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, I'm afraid it is.

  
JOHN  
Too close to the heart.

  
SHERLOCK  
No, a few centimeters away in fact.

  
JOHN  
(softly)  
I was speaking metaphorically.

  
Sherlock, surprised, opens his eyes to look at John. John, up on his toes, plants a soft kiss on Sherlock's lips. John hooks his thumb in Sherlock's waistband and tugs him closer.

  
JOHN  
About these tight trousers of yours...

  
SHERLOCK  
(pulling away)  
Ut-ut-uh. I'm undressing you first, remember? This is me, playing out MY fantasy.

  
JOHN  
(amused)  
Fantasy?

  
SHERLOCK  
Shut up, John. Ahem, now about these trousers of yours...

  
With one hand grazing John's waistband, Sherlock makes a full circle around John in order to analyze him from every angle.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yours aren't exactly tight, leaving absolutely everything to the imagination.

  
Sherlock's hand brushes John's crotch, making John jump and his erection grow stronger.

  
SHERLOCK  
I got a glimpse of the front the other night... but I'm awfully curious about what's going on back here.

  
Sherlock's hand reaches around and lightly caresses John's bum over his trousers. There's fire in his eyes.

  
SHERLOCK  
Awfully, awfully curious.

  
JOHN  
(impatiently)  
Then get on with it, already!

  
SHERLOCK  
(smirking)  
John, so eager.

  
John growls lowly in frustration. Sherlock comes to stand behind John again and slowly unbuckles John's belt, kissing John's shoulder and neck in the process. Sherlock begins working on the button and zip, keeping up with the kisses.

  
SHERLOCK  
Too bad it isn't Monday.

  
JOHN  
(distracted)  
What happens on Monday?

  
SHERLOCK  
Your red pants happen on Monday.

  
JOHN  
(shocked)  
How the hell...?

  
SHERLOCK  
(between hungry neck kisses)  
Your Sunday evening laundry-folding tradition, with your red pants sitting prominently on top... neatly folded, just waiting to be worn the next day.  
(huskily)  
I know all your habits, John Watson.

  
Sherlock licks John's neck and John's knees begin to buckle.

  
JOHN  
Ahh!

  
SHERLOCK  
(whispering)  
Those red pants have taunted me for years, John. I know seeing you in them will undo me.

  
Sherlock yanks John's trousers down and whirls John to face him in an instant. Sherlock's mouth is on John's, hungrily exploring his mouth with his tongue. Sherlock has both hands down John's (navy, not red) briefs, each kneading an ass cheek greedily. John grinds up against Sherlock, craving him.  
The fingertips of Sherlock's right hand begin to explore John's bum crack.

  
JOHN  
(gasping)  
Wait, Sherlock!

  
Sherlock halts.

  
JOHN  
(commandingly)  
To the bed. And lose the trousers.

  
John sits back on the edge of the bed and props himself up on his elbows to better enjoy the show. He watches Sherlock extricate his impossibly long legs from his tight trousers. Sherlock stands in front of John in his dark grey boxer briefs. John can't help but notice how the dark pants contrast nicely with Sherlock's pale skin. 

  
JOHN  
God, you're beautiful.

  
SHERLOCK  
One could say the same thing of you... waiting there on the bed for me...   
(eyes lingering on John's erection through his pants)  
... at attention, Captain.

  
JOHN  
(smirking)  
Over here... on the double, soldier.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, sir!

  
John shuffles to the center of the bed, spreading his legs wide, and watches Sherlock making his way towards him.   
John unconsciously licks his lips in anticipation, making Sherlock melt.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's so fetching, and you don't even realize you're doing it, do you John?

  
JOHN  
(truly confused)  
Doing what?

  
Sherlock kneels between John's legs, smiling hugely.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's nothing, John. Now to work... These must come off.

  
John bends his knees and lifts his hips so Sherlock can slide his pant off him. They are tossed on the floor with the rest of the clothing. Sherlock kisses John's right knee while his right hand lightly caresses John's hungry cock.

  
JOHN  
We'll need the lubricant.

  
SHERLOCK  
Perhaps. Perhaps not. I was considering using my mouth this time. Would that be amenable to you?

  
JOHN  
Oh!... Er...

  
Sherlock leaves a trail of kisses from John's bent knee down to his groin.

  
SHERLOCK  
(pausing along the way)  
So, is that a yes or a no, John?

  
JOHN  
(gravelly with desire)  
Yes.

  
SHERLOCK  
I was hoping you would say that.

  
Sherlock places his left hand on the base of John's cock and gives the bell end a quick lick. John's breath hitches and his hips pop up off the bed in response. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(chuckling)  
So sensitive. And eager. But please do relax so you don't knock me unconscious in your enthusiasm, John.

  
John straightens his legs on the bed and lies back reluctantly, still lifting his head to watch Sherlock work. He doesn't want to miss a thing.  
Sherlock resumes working over John's erection with his tongue, his left hand holding the base firmly. With his free hand, Sherlock kneads John's buttocks.

  
JOHN  
So good with your tongue, Sherlock. Nice to see you using it for something other than mouthing off --

  
Sherlock cuts John's wisecrack short by putting his whole mouth on John's cock, slowly easing down centimeter by centimeter. John gasps in response.

  
JOHN  
Oh God!

  
Sherlock replies with a moan, the vibrations inadvertently bringing John more pleasure.

  
JOHN  
Oh GOD!

  
Sherlock sets a rhythm, bobbing up and down on John's cock. Sherlock uses the fingertips of his left hand to caress John's scrotum, while his right hand freely explores the cleft of John's arse. John stiffens when Sherlock's fingertip presses up against his arsehole.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock!... Sherlock, wait!

  
Sherlock frees his mouth from John's erection reluctantly. John sits up and braces himself with a hand to better meet Sherlock's eye.

  
JOHN  
(stolidly)  
Sherlock, you seem so bent on probing my arse. But you will do so properly... with exam gloves and lube, understand? Now, go fetch my medical bag from the sitting room. I have gloves in there.

  
SHERLOCK  
(petulantly)  
But John...

  
JOHN  
Do you want this or not? Go!

  
SHERLOCK  
Fine!

  
Sherlock stalks out of the room and John lies back on the bed, massaging his erection as he waits. It doesn't take long; Sherlock returns in a flash with the bag, searching it for exam gloves. He finds one and dons it, and promptly climbs back on the bed.

  
JOHN  
(with some alarm)  
Don't forget the lube.

  
Sherlock sighs impatiently and rustles through the side table drawer until he finds it, and squeezes some lube on the gloved hand. 

  
JOHN  
(anxiously)  
Just one finger... so choose wisely.

  
Sherlock eyes shoot up at John's face, reading the unease in his expression.

  
SHERLOCK  
(with concern)  
Are you nervous?

  
JOHN  
Well, yes, I am. I haven't done this before.

  
SHERLOCK  
I'll go slow.

  
JOHN  
One finger only...

  
Sherlock kisses John's mouth at first softly, then more deeply.

  
SHERLOCK  
Being distracted will help.

  
Sherlock returns to kissing John, who eagerly reciprocates. All of a sudden, Sherlock breaks off the kiss, and his mouth is firmly back on John's cock without missing a beat. Within the very next beat, Sherlock's forefinger has slipped inside John's anus. John gasps at the new sensation, which is not as unpleasant as he expected. Sherlock works the finger in a little deeper, causing John to moan. Sherlock moans back.

  
Sherlock sets a steady pace, mouthing and licking John's prick while gently probing John's interior with his finger. John marvels at how the anal fingering enhances the pleasure of the blowjob to an incredible degree. And the fact that Sherlock is the one providing all this pleasure makes John's heart race.

  
JOHN  
(breathlessly)  
Sherlock... how do you know how to do all this?

  
Sherlock raises his head, using his available hand to continue stroking John's penis. He smiles slyly.

  
SHERLOCK  
(avoiding the question)  
I can feel you squeezing against my finger, John. You like it, don't you?

  
John turns his head away shyly, but nods in response. Sherlock beams.

  
SHERLOCK  
(throatily)  
Good. Very good... Please, may I add another finger? I can do so much more with two.

  
JOHN  
One is good enough.

  
SHERLOCK  
Please?

  
JOHN  
(furrowing brow)  
Sherlock...

  
SHERLOCK  
If you don't like It, I'll stop immediately. Please?

  
Sherlock wastes no time resuming the blowjob, licking and sucking John into a distracted frenzy. 

  
JOHN  
Jesus, Sherlock! Yes, another finger... but do be gentle, I beg you.

  
Sherlock slides the finger partway out, and then slowly inserts two fingers. The feeling is fuller, much fuller, and John grits his teeth as his anus is stretched.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock...

John wonders if he should tell Sherlock to stop. 

  
JOHN  
Sherlock...?

  
Sherlock delicately curls one gloved finger, brushing against John's prostate. 

  
JOHN  
(gasping with pleasure)  
Oh my God!

  
John lifts his head to look down at him. Sherlock continues to gently stroke John internally, while working steadily on John's cock with his mouth. There's no way John is calling it off now. The pleasure he is receiving on both fronts is too great. John can't remember the last time sex felt this intense. He can feel his orgasm building quickly.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock... I'm coming soon...  
(warningly)  
Sherlock, unless you want me to come in your mouth, I suggest you get off... Now! Really!

  
Sherlock, contrary to instructions, intensifies his sucking, tipping John over the edge.

  
JOHN  
Oh God, Sherlock!!

  
John shudders as he comes and comes, his anal muscles constricting around Sherlock's fingers, cum pumping into Sherlock's mouth. Sherlock accepts it readily, savoring all of it.  
Sherlock glides his tongue along John's shaft once more, making John shudder one last time.

  
JOHN  
(exhausted)  
Sherlock, stop. Before you kill me.

  
Sherlock waits for John's breathing to settle and for John's eyes to close with contentment and exhaustion. Then, only then, does he lift his head from John's torso, and slowly remove his two fingers from John's bum. With expertise, he carefully removes and disposes of the glove. He grabs the container of wipes John has bought for them and cleans his hands.

  
SHERLOCK  
(quietly)  
May I clean you, John?

  
John nods sleepily. Sherlock uses a wipe for John's penis and another for his backside. Once done with the clean-up, Sherlock turns off the light and lies down next to John, snuggling up to him.

  
JOHN  
(with a yawn)  
Why did you let me come in your mouth?

  
SHERLOCK  
It wasn't a matter of letting you come, as wanting you to. I wanted to know what you tasted like.

  
JOHN  
(embarrassed)  
Oh...  
(then curious)  
What do I taste like?

  
SHERLOCK  
Have you never tasted it?

  
John shakes his head no.

  
SHERLOCK  
Savory. Like miso soup. Here, try some.

  
Sherlock, with his hand on John's chin, softly rotates John's head toward him and kisses him. John's eyes fly open with surprise. Sherlock carefully licks John's tongue with his own.

  
SHERLOCK  
See? Savory.

  
JOHN  
(wiping his lip with a finger)  
Yes. Not as bad as I thought it would be.

  
Sherlock resumes his snuggly spot beside John.

  
SHERLOCK  
Seems like there were a lot of things that went on tonight that weren't as bad as you thought they would be.

  
JOHN  
Oh God, yes. The sex was so good. Everything you did tonight was... extremely good.

  
SHERLOCK  
I'm glad to hear that.

  
John gets a sudden concerned look his face.

  
JOHN  
Jesus, I'm being selfish... what about you?

  
Sherlock attempts to cozy up even closer to John.

  
SHERLOCK  
There's no need.

  
John sits up in a hurry. Sherlock rolls onto his back, annoyed.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock, of course there is! I do believe you are owed an orgasm after all you've just done for me.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's really not necessary.

  
JOHN  
(growing more upset)  
That's what you always say!

  
SHERLOCK  
"Always say?" By my calculations, we have done this exactly twice.

  
JOHN  
Precisely! Two mind-blowing orgasms for me, and zero for you.

  
SHERLOCK  
(with a smile)  
I'm so glad to hear they were mind-blowing.

  
JOHN  
It is completely unbalanced, utterly unfair to you.

  
SHERLOCK  
(calmly)  
I don't find it unfair.

  
JOHN  
You can't be getting a lot out of these... little sessions, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
(less calmly, rolling away from John)  
Why don't you let me decide how much I'm getting out of our "little sessions"? Hm? There’s a fallacy in judging my level of satisfaction based on the number of orgasms I may have, John.

  
JOHN  
I don't even think you've gotten hard once. Is it because of your heart condition?

  
Sherlock huffs and shakes his head no.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's barely a heart condition.

  
JOHN  
(sadly)  
Perhaps you're just not sexually aroused by me, no matter how much you might like to be...

  
Sherlock snaps his head around to face John, fixing him with a sharp stare.

  
SHERLOCK  
(bluntly)  
You don't think I go around stripping down, bedding, sucking off, and pleading just ANYONE to let me stick - not one, but two - fingers up their arse, do you John? Please, have some more respect for yourself, and me. 

  
Sherlock rolls away from John again, pouting.

  
SHERLOCK  
And leave my genitals out of it, will you? Me not getting an erection doesn't mean I'm not having a good time.

  
John regards Sherlock with even more concern now. And guilt.

  
JOHN  
(sincerely)  
Okay, I apologize. I'm sorry.

  
SHERLOCK  
You've ruined an otherwise perfectly enjoyable evening, John.

  
JOHN  
(with distress)  
Okay, again, I'm very sorry.

  
John quietly gets out of bed. Sherlock turns and looks at him with a bigger pout than before.

  
SHERLOCK  
Where are you going?

  
JOHN  
(picking up his clothing from floor)  
Upstairs.

  
SHERLOCK  
Stay here.

  
JOHN  
You don't really want me --

  
SHERLOCK  
Stay. Please.

  
JOHN  
(sighing, grabbing his pj's from dresser)  
All right. I'm going to use the loo. Brush my teeth. Get dressed. I'll be back in a jiffy.

  
John enters the bathroom. Sherlock lies in bed, eyes opened, listening to every noise from the bathroom and hoping John doesn't sneak out the other door.   
When John returns, Sherlock closes his eyes as if sleeping. John stands by the bed deep in thought, having regrets that their lovely sexual exploration ended in an unpleasant spat.  
John finally gets in bed and Sherlock immediately turns to spoon him.

  
JOHN  
(after a moment)  
Thank you for a lovely evening, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
You're very welcome.  
(pause)  
I'm sorry.

  
JOHN  
You have nothing to apologize for.

  
SHERLOCK  
Still...

  
They both drift off to sleep.

  
LATER THAT NIGHT

  
John wakes from a sound sleep. 

  
JOHN  
Again? How can that be!? I swear I'm going to cut this thing off.

  
John sits up carefully, throws back the covers and looks down at his crotch. He gets a confused expression on his face.

  
JOHN  
(whispering)  
It's not me.

  
John cautiously lift up the duvet to see if he can see Sherlock's crotch, but the light's not good. He tentatively reaches a hand under for a quick feel. Sherlock grumbles in his sleep and John pulls his hand back swiftly.

  
JOHN  
(quietly, but shocked)  
It's you! You with the erection, Sherlock!

  
John dares to quickly feel under the duvet again. Sherlock switches positions in his sleep.

  
JOHN  
Quite a big one, too.

  
John contemplates Sherlock for a moment, and then leans over with his head next to Sherlock's ear. 

  
JOHN  
(whispering seductively)  
Kissing John Watson.

  
Sherlock sighs sweetly in his sleep. John waits a second before trying again.

  
JOHN  
John's arse.

  
Sherlock groans lightly and tosses his head in his sleep. John gets a wicked grin on his face.

  
JOHN  
Red pants.

  
Sherlock groans loudly and rolls over in agitation. John waits for Sherlock to settle back into sleep.

  
JOHN  
That bloody big brain of yours getting in the way...

  
John settles in, covers himself up with the duvet, and cuddles up to Sherlock. Sherlock sighs happily in his sleep as John wraps an arm around Sherlock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up Sherlock? [Answer: Your John Thomas, but only while you're sleeping, apparently.]


	11. John Hatches a Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A group of smaller scenes. John goes shopping. Sherlock has mixed feelings about John's purchases. There are two Mycroft interludes. We take a break from sexual acts in this chapter, to the disappointment of one consulting detective in particular (and perhaps a few readers as well).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for taking so long to post this chapter. I aim to post once a week.

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - SUNDAY MORNING

  
John, in jogging gear, does stretches on the rug. Rosie, next to him, adorably tries to copy him.

  
SHERLOCK (O.S. OFF SCREEN)  
Hello? Anyone here?

  
JOHN  
In here!

  
Sherlock enters from the kitchen in his robe and does a double take.

  
SHERLOCK  
What's going on in here, Watsons?

  
JOHN  
Ah, you're awake. I was just about to call Mrs. Hudson to see if she could watch Rosie while I went for a jog.

  
John changes to downward-facing dog (as does Rosie). Sherlock checks out John's arse.

  
JOHN  
Would you be able to watch Rosie for an hour?

  
SHERLOCK  
Er, yes, of course... Rosie and I can do our music lesson. Right, Rosie?

Rosie rolls out of downward-facing dog and giggles. Sherlock smiles at her, but is soon distracted by John doing yet more stretching that showcase his backside nicely. Sherlock sighs with longing.

  
SHERLOCK  
What exactly are you wearing, John?

  
JOHN  
Running tights and a sweatshirt, why?

  
SHERLOCK  
Humph, yes, an appropriate moniker - "tights." Haven't seen you wearing them before, but I suppose I have seen them buried at the bottom of your dresser drawer.

  
John fixes him with a disapproving stare.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock, it is not okay to go through your housemate's things, you know.

  
SHERLOCK  
Well, we're a couple now, so that makes it all right. Or something.

  
JOHN  
(hands on hips)  
Probably not.  
(softening tone)  
Sherlock, thanks for watching Rosie for me. I promise I won't be long. Are you sure you don't mind?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, by all means, go. Run. Get in shape. Be healthy. 

  
Sherlock picks up Rosie upside down and makes her laugh.

SHERLOCK  
Done with your stretching, Rosie? Let's get out the violin then.

  
JOHN  
Much obliged, Sherlock. Bye, Rosie! See you soon.

  
John heads out the door. Sherlock puts Rosie right side up and brings her to the window. They watch John begin jogging down the sidewalk.

  
SHERLOCK  
There he goes.

  
ROSIE  
Bye-Bye Dada!

  
INT. MEDICAL FACILITY - JOHN'S OFFICE - MONDAY

  
John sits at his desk looking up something on a mobile phone. He writes down an address on a piece of scratch paper and draws a little map. When done, he places both the phone and paper in the middle of the desk. He stands up, extracts another phone from his own pocket -his own mobile- and places it securely in the desk drawer. John grabs the paper and mystery mobile off the desk and head out the door.

  
INT. MEDICAL FACILITY - RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS

  
John approaches the reception desk with a smile. VIVIENNE (a decade older than John, female, any ethnicity) gives him a terse smile back.

  
JOHN  
Thanks for letting me borrow your phone, Viv. It is such a pain I left mine at home today.

  
VIVIENNE  
A father can't be forgetting a thing like that, John. What if Rosie's nursery should call, hm?

  
JOHN  
(smiling, handing her the phone)  
They would have to call the emergency list then... half of Scotland Yard's on it now, so I think she'd be in good hands, don't you?

  
Vivienne humphs in disagreement and accepts the phone.

  
JOHN  
I am going out to lunch, be back in an hour.

  
VIVIENNE  
You better! Your next appointment is at 1:30 sharp. Don't dilly dally, Dr. Watson.

  
JOHN  
Thanks for looking out for me, Vivienne!

  
John exits and Vivienne watches him go with a tiny motherly grin.

  
EXT. CHARITY SHOP - MONDAY - NOON

John stops outside the door, pulls out the scratch paper from his pocket, and confirms that he has the correct address. As he is about to enter the shop, he spots some handbills and flyers in the window. He taps on one for the London Symphony Orchestra. He takes a pen out of his coat pocket and scribbles down some notes. He pockets the pen and paper and enters the shop.

INT. CHARITY SHOP - A FEW MINUTES LATER

John rummages through a rack of trousers, picking up a pair and inspecting it uncertainly. A SALESCLERK (20's, mod haircut) approaches.

  
CLERK  
Help you find anything?

  
JOHN  
(a bit embarrassed)  
Er... yes, trying to find trousers... erm, ones that are tighter than I normally wear. Tighter than these I have on, anyway.

  
CLERK  
I can certainly help with that.

  
Clerk begins pawing through the rack confidently.

  
JOHN  
Thanks, I appreciate it.

  
CLERK  
Trying to catch someone's fancy, are we?

  
JOHN  
(very embarrassed now)  
Uhhhhh...

  
CLERK  
(winking)  
Oh, I live for this kind of drama! Okay, are you looking for formal? Casual? Jeans?

  
JOHN  
All of the above, actually.  
(pointing to a pair the clerk is holding up)  
I looked at those, but they're too long.

  
CLERK  
Not a problem. Let's set you up with a change room, shall we?

  
OUTSIDE FITTING ROOM - TEN MINUTES LATER

  
The clerk knocks on the fitting room door with an outfit hanging off one arm.

  
CLERK  
How goes it in there?

  
John step out in jeans.

  
CLERK  
(assessing him)  
Turn around please.

  
John sighs in exasperation but turns around.

  
CLERK  
You should get those! I'm not just saying that to make a sale. You really should buy them.

  
JOHN  
But they are clearly too long. Look at them!

  
CLERK  
You cuff them.

  
JOHN  
What?

  
CLERK  
Cuff them. Here, let me show you.

  
The clerk bends down and cuffs the jeans for John.

  
CLERK  
(standing up)  
See? Very stylish.

  
John checks them out in the mirror. He points to the other trousers hanging in the dressing room.

  
JOHN  
Well, I can't cuff the other ones, and they are all too long... and that pair is a bit loose at the waist unfortunately, although I really like the color...

  
CLERK  
Not a problem. We do tailoring here. We'll get them perfect for you.

  
JOHN  
Oh! Okay. Thank you. That would be wonderful, actually.  
(noticing the outfit clerk is holding)  
Er... what are those?

  
The clerk smiles and hands over a medium grey tweed waistcoat and trousers set.

  
CLERK  
Something posh I picked out for you.

  
JOHN  
Oh? I don't know if I need a waistcoat though.

  
CLERK  
I thought you might look good in it. And it matches the trousers perfectly. Here, I brought you a plain white shirt to try it on, but it would look good with anything... light blue, rose, pistachio green, even black.

  
JOHN  
Okay, I'll try them on. Thanks.

  
John disappears into the change room and the clerk heads over to the till to help out a customer.

  
A FEW MINUTES LATER

  
John exits the change room in the spiffy outfit to check himself out in the long mirror and the clerk rushes over with a gasp.

  
CLERK  
That looks marvelous on you!

  
JOHN  
(deflecting the compliment)  
All right, all right.

CLERK  
Seriously, though!

JOHN  
Thank you. Now stop, please.

  
CLERK  
You are going to have to beat the blokes off with a stick wearing that.

  
JOHN  
I'm not actually g-

  
He stops himself, realizing what he's about to say isn't strictly true anymore. The clerk waits patiently.

  
JOHN  
(trying again)  
There's only really the one bloke.

  
CLERK  
(checking the trouser hem)  
Well, I think he's going to like it. But I'd like to shorten them an inch and perhaps take them in a bit.

  
JOHN  
(alarmed)  
Make them tighter?

  
CLERK  
(fussing about the waist and legs)  
That was the whole point, wasn't it? Tighter trousers? I'll only take them in a little, nothing too risqué. 

  
JOHN  
(sarcastically)  
Well, thank you for that.

  
CLERK  
Luckily the waistcoat fits perfectly and the jeans don't need anything... so that one, two, three items to be tailored. Usually it takes 7 to 10 business days, but I'll see if we can get them done more quickly.  
(winking)  
We'll see if we can get them to you as soon as possible. For you and your bloke.

  
JOHN  
(blushing a bit)  
Well... I appreciate that.

  
CLERK  
Don't mention it.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - TUESDAY MORNING

  
John tosses laundry into the washing machine. He holds up his newly purchased jeans and gives them a sniff.

  
JOHN  
Yeah, you smell like a thrift shop. The bloodhound's surely going to notice. Let's give you a wash. Maybe two washes.

John chucks the jeans into the washer.

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - WEDNESDAY EVENING

  
John puts laundry away in his dresser. Rosie plays with toys on the floor. John, with a determined expression on his face, plants his neatly folded pair of red underpants on top of the dresser.

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - THURSDAY - DAY

  
Sherlock enters carrying Rosie.

  
SHERLOCK  
Let's get that nappy changed, shall we, Rosie?

  
Sherlock places her on the changing table.

  
SHERLOCK  
You know, hopefully soon you'll start using a potty chair like the big kids at school. Wouldn't you like a potty?

  
ROSIE  
Potty?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, goo-

  
He breaks off, totally distracted by the glimpse of the red pants on the dresser. He shakes his head to refocus on the diaper-changing task at hand.

  
SHERLOCK  
Where was I? Okay Rosie, we'll get you changed and head out for a stroll around the block. Maybe we'll bug Mrs. Hudson for a biscuit on the way out. How does that sound?

  
Rosie claps her hands happily.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - THURSDAY EVENING

  
Sherlock sits in his chair reading a book. John enters, grabs his book off the side table and settles into his own chair with a contented sigh. Sherlock glances up at him briefly. He suddenly sets down his book and narrows his eyes to scrutinize John carefully.

  
SHERLOCK  
What are you wearing? Jeans?

  
JOHN  
(while reading)  
Yes, they're jeans.

  
SHERLOCK  
You wore jeans to work?

  
JOHN  
(glancing up)  
No, I changed into them after work. What's it to you, Sherlock?

  
SHERLOCK  
I don't recognize them. Are they new?

  
JOHN  
(back to reading)  
No, they're old.

  
SHERLOCK  
Stand up.

  
JOHN  
(putting down his book, irritated)  
What?

  
SHERLOCK  
Stand up, John.

  
JOHN  
No.

  
SHERLOCK  
Stand up, please?

  
John groans and stands up reluctantly. He holds out his hands, gesturing with annoyance.

  
JOHN  
(sarcastically)  
Ta da! They're jeans!

  
Sherlock leans off his chair and sniffs the jeans heartily.

  
JOHN  
Okay, Sherlock. Now you're being weird.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, they are old. Musty under the fragrance of laundry soap. A slight scent of naphthalene, yet mothballs have been banned in the EU for over a decade...

JOHN  
(slightly nervously)  
Well, I had them in storage.

  
SHERLOCK  
(not convinced)  
Hm. Turn around please.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock, is that necessary?

  
SHERLOCK  
Please.

  
John sighs in vexation and rotates slowly. Sherlock sits back in his chair with a smile, enjoying the view.

  
SHERLOCK  
Thank you. That will be all.

  
John sits back down again, scowling. Sherlock ignores him and returns to reading his book. John does that same.

  
SHERLOCK  
They're too long for you anyway.

  
JOHN  
Well, I cuff them. It's the style.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh, I see. That's right. John Watson, trend setter. 

  
John looks up from his book and glares at Sherlock. Sherlock smirks impishly from behind his book and continues reading.

  
INT. COFFEE SHOP - FRIDAY - EARLY MORNING

  
Greg Lestrade and Mycroft Holmes sit across from each other at a table, sipping hot beverages (coffee for Lestrade and tea for Mycroft) and having scones. Greg is somewhat distracted by a television in the corner playing sports highlights. 

  
MYCROFT  
So, Greg. Would you consider joining me on my 10K race in a few weeks? It's for some charity or another. 

  
LESTRADE  
Naaa... us bobbies are more trained for fast, hard sprints. We're rubbish at the long, slow stuff. But I'll be there to cheer you on at the finish line.

  
MYCROFT  
(slyly, taking a sip of tea)  
Yes. You certainly do prefer it "fast and hard" over "long and slow", don't you?

  
Lestrade, completely distracted by the telly, doesn't respond.

  
MYCROFT  
Nothing? No response to that at all? Really?  
(under breath)  
Goldfish.

  
LESTRADE  
(without taking his eyes off the telly)  
Don't call me "goldfish."

  
Mycroft takes another sip of tea and makes a mental note to be the one who chooses the coffee shop next time, one without a television.

  
LESTRADE  
You could ask John Watson to join you for the race. Sherlock mentioned John's taken up running again. Well, I say "mention", but it's more like Sherlock whinging about it incessantly... something or other about his running tights. 

  
MYCROFT  
(snickering)  
Yes, I noticed John looked heavier. Taking up running to counteract a recent weight gain... he's obviously started up a new relationship. Good for him. It must be a particularly satisfying one since he's packing on the pounds so quickly. Who's the lucky girl?

  
LESTRADE  
(chuckling)  
Right. Lucky girl.

  
MYCROFT  
(raising a questioning eyebrow)  
Anyone we know?

  
Lestrade looks up at Mycroft in surprise.

  
LESTRADE  
Really, you don't know?

  
Mycroft furrows his brow in frustration and doesn't respond.

  
LESTRADE  
(chuckling heartily)  
Oh, this is grand! 

  
MYCROFT  
(fed up)  
Just tell me already, Greg. 

  
LESTRADE  
No, I don't think so. This is too good. It almost makes up for that "fast and hard" crack from earlier. Almost.

  
MYCROFT  
(glowering)  
Tell me now.

  
LESTRADE  
Nope... I think I'll let you stew a bit longer.

  
Lestrade stuffs half a scone in his mouth and follows up with a gulp of coffee. He gives Mycroft a simpering grin.  
Mycroft sits back in his chair and stares him down with disdain.

INT. CHARITY SHOP - FRIDAY - DAY

  
John collects his recently tailored outfits from the clerk. 

  
JOHN  
Thank you so much for doing a rush on these for me. I really appreciate it.

  
CLERK  
It's no problem.

  
JOHN  
I meant to ask, how do I clean these?

  
CLERK  
You may be able to wash and hang those, but these formal ones you'll need to dry clean.

  
JOHN  
They aren't dirty just...

  
John wafts his hand near his nose.

  
CLERK  
Ah, yes. That Charity Shop smell. I recommend spraying them all over with vodka and letting them air dry. Acts as a deodorizer. 

  
JOHN  
Really? And that works?

  
CLERK  
Like a charm.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - FRIDAY - EARLY EVENING

  
Sherlock enters carrying Rosie in a hurry.

  
SHERLOCK  
Lord, Watson, this is a foul-smelling one!

  
He plops Rosie down on the changing table. He grabs a picture book off her bookshelf and hands it to her.

  
SHERLOCK  
You might as well settle in, this is going to take ages to clean up.

  
Rosie takes the book and begins paging through it. Sherlock turns to gather up a fresh nappy and wipes. He spies the red pants still sitting on John's dresser and grimaces.

  
SHERLOCK  
Uggghh!

  
He collects himself and returns to relieve Rosie of her dirty diaper.

  
SHERLOCK  
Please inform your father that it is high time for a potty chair. This is getting ridiculous. Not to mention stinky.

  
ROSIE  
Stinky!

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, very stinky, Rosie. And where is that stinky father of yours, by the way? He should be home by now.

  
INT. 221 BAKER STREET - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

  
John knocks lightly on Mrs. Hudson's door.

  
JOHN  
(whispering loudly)  
Mrs. H! Are you in?

  
He dares to knock a little louder. The door opens.

  
MRS HUDSON  
John, what's going on?

  
JOHN  
(whispering)  
Shh! How would you like to be in on my secret plan?   
(holding up a big bottle of booze)  
There's vodka involved.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Certainly! Come inside!

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - FRIDAY NIGHT

  
John is wearing his newly-purchased trousers. He moves a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer. Sherlock happens to walk in the kitchen as John is bending over. Sherlock has to grasp onto the table to recover from the shock of seeing John's arse in tight trousers.

  
SHERLOCK  
Really John? Another pair?

  
John straightens up and turns to him with a confused expression on his face.

  
JOHN  
What?

  
Sherlock takes a seat at the table.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's nothing, John. Carry on. Don't let me disturb you.

  
John resumes moving the laundry and Sherlock watches him with interest. 

  
SHERLOCK  
John, will you sleep in my room tonight?

  
John sets the controls on the dryer and slams the door shut. He stands and turns to face Sherlock, crosses his arms, and regards him with a serious expression.

  
JOHN  
Yes, but emphasis on the sleeping part. No hanky-panky. I plan to wake up early and go for a run.

Sherlock gets up and walks over to John with a seductive grin. He places his arms around John's waist.

  
SHERLOCK  
Or... yes to hanky-panky, and you sleep in late tomorrow morning, and I watch Rosie while you take a late-morning jog. Hmmm?

  
JOHN  
(emphatically)  
No. That messes with my schedule.

  
Sherlock frowns and steps away from John. He begins pacing the kitchen.

  
SHERLOCK  
(miffed)  
Do you think you could find time in your busy schedule for your boyfriend, John? Huh? I've barely spent any time with you this week.

  
JOHN  
It has been a busy week, Sherlock. A particularly busy week.

  
SHERLOCK  
(mockingly)  
"A particularly busy week."

  
JOHN  
Well, there's no reason to be nasty about it.

  
Sherlock looks so forlorn that John takes pity on him.

  
SHERLOCK  
(sighing)  
Okay, Sherlock. I wanted it to be a surprise... but I might as well tell you now. 

  
Sherlock stops pacing and turns to John, his interest piqued.

  
JOHN  
I have a date planned for us this coming Thursday.

  
Sherlock eyes light up.

  
SHERLOCK  
A date? A real date?

  
JOHN  
(smiling)  
Uh-huh.

  
SHERLOCK  
Where to?

  
JOHN  
Wouldn't it be nice to retain some of the surprise, Sherlock?

  
SHERLOCK  
Surprises are overrated. Is it dinner and a movie? I know that's cliché, but you're a bit of a traditionalist, John.

  
JOHN  
No. And I'm not going to tell you.

  
SHERLOCK  
Some arts event? An evening lecture series? John, it will take me all of ten minutes to scroll through the London events calendar to find it.

  
JOHN  
Why don't you let it be a surprise? I'm not going to tell you even if you happen to guess it.

  
SHERLOCK  
Happen to guess?  
(dismissively)  
Oh please, John. Like I'm not going to figure it out. You're rubbish at keeping things from me.

  
JOHN  
Except for my trousers inventory, apparently.

  
Sherlock frowns deeply and suddenly charges down the hall towards his room.

  
SHERLOCK (O.S.)  
Have a nice time sleeping in your own bed tonight!

  
John hears Sherlock's bedroom door slam. He exhales sharply and stares up at the ceiling, wondering what to do about Sherlock. Wondering if his own actions may be a bit wrong-headed as well.

  
John's phone pings. He digs it out of his pocket and reads the message. The text reads:

THURS = ESCAPE ROOM?

  
John smiles in relief as he taps a message back. It reads:

NO CUZ LAST TIME YOU COMPLETED IT IN 5 MINS. THE STAFF DIDN'T APPRECIATE YOUR SUGGESTIONS FOR "IMPROVING" IT EITHER.

  
John stares at his phone in thought after hitting send. A moment later, it pings again. It reads:

SLEEP IN MY ROOM TONIGHT. ONLY SLEEP. PLS.

  
John turns off the kitchen light and walks down the hall towards Sherlock's room.

  
EXT. PLAYGROUND - SUNDAY - DAY

  
John and Sherlock stand on the side of the playground, watching Rosie playing in the sand pit. Mycroft jogs up to them.

  
MYCROFT  
Hello John. Hello Sherlock. Fancy meeting you here.

  
JOHN  
(surprised)  
Oh! Hello.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, I'm sure it is a complete coincidence that your running route took you through this particular park at this particular time, Mycroft.

  
Mycroft smiles coyly.

  
MYCROFT  
Well, I hear congratulations are in order.

  
SHERLOCK  
Finally. It's been nearly a month, wouldn't you say, John? Took you long enough to figure it out, Mycroft. Shall we chalk that up to your usual shoddy surveillance?

  
MYCROFT  
Perfectly fine surveillance, Sherlock. With you two acting like an old married couple for a decade now, how could anyone tell the difference?

  
JOHN  
Mycroft, need I remind you that you have about ninety seconds before Rosie discovers you're here and you'll be roped into making sand castles? So get it out of your system now, boys.

  
SHERLOCK  
(diving right in)  
So, someone who will remain unnamed must have finally let the cat out of the bag. And how is Goldie?

  
MYCROFT  
(snidely)  
He's fine.

  
JOHN  
Who's Goldie?

  
SHERLOCK  
A goldfish.

  
JOHN  
Goldfish?

  
SHERLOCK  
(to Mycroft)  
Must have been challenging considering the "No discussing Sherlock" pact you two have. When are you going to learn that getting my friends to spy on me just won't work, Mycroft?

  
Mycroft scowls.

  
JOHN  
Okay, I'm leaving. I'll try to distract Rosie as long as possible, but the girl's got "Mycroft-dar" that'll rival MI6 surveillance any day. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Mycroft's rubbish surveillance you mean.

  
John sighs and wanders off to join Rosie playing in the sand. Mycroft and Sherlock stand side by side and observe John and Rosie.

  
MYCROFT  
(usual disparaging tone)  
And how does domestic bliss suit you, brother of mine? Happy in your new relationship?

  
Sherlock doesn't answer, he's clearly perturbed with this line of questioning.

  
MYCROFT  
(nodding in John's direction)  
John must certainly be happy, considering how he's packing on the pounds.  
(shaking head)  
So pudgy.

  
Sherlock's anger builds. Mycroft's eyebrows shoot up as John bends over to help Rosie with something. Mycroft tilts his head to better appreciate John's backside in his tight jeans.

MYCROFT  
Although, I must say, he still looks good.

  
SHERLOCK  
(enraged, too loudly)  
Stop ogling my boyfriend, please!

  
John straightens up quickly and snaps his head around to glare at Mycroft and Sherlock, who look away guiltily. John grunts and squats down next to Rosie grumpily.

  
MYCROFT  
(carefully, but still teasing)  
Boyfriend... well, it's perhaps more serious than I thought, then.  
(chuckling)  
Boyfriend.

  
SHERLOCK  
(measured tone)  
Yes, boyfriend.

  
MYCROFT  
Does this mean you're finally "getting some" as they say? Hmmm? 

  
Sherlock glares at him. Mycroft studies him carefully before continuing.

  
MYCROFT  
(tauntingly)  
Or maybe not. Ms. Adler certainly took care of your virgin situation for you. But I know, Sherlock, that you still retain certain... "hang-ups" when it comes to sex.

  
Sherlock tries to get his emotions under control, but he's losing the battle. Mycroft notices.

  
MYCROFT  
Isn't that so, brother?

  
SHERLOCK  
(snapping angrily)  
At least I am capable of having an emotional relationship with another human being, Iceman. It's not all "Wham, bam, thank you Graham!"

  
MYCROFT  
(huge eye roll)  
His name is Greg. 

  
Sherlock pokes a finger into his brother's chest. Mycroft looks back at him with disdain.

  
SHERLOCK  
You WISH you and Lestrade have what John and I have!

  
Mycroft opens his mouth in shock but can't respond for a few moments.

  
MYCROFT  
(finally regaining his usual composure)  
By all means, enlighten me about the joys of having a boyfriend.

  
SHERLOCK  
A proper boyfriend.

  
MYCROFT  
(sighing)  
Yes, that. Do tell.

  
SHERLOCK  
Well, to start, we have a real date this coming Thursday evening.

  
MYCROFT  
How nice. Where to?

  
SHERLOCK  
(reluctantly)  
Don't know. John says it's a surprise.

  
MYCROFT  
(chortling)  
Can't deduce it, hmmm? Oh, my dear Sherlock... that must be driving you mad.

  
Mycroft feels a tug at his sleeve. He looks down at Rosie. John is nearby smiling.

  
MYCROFT  
Oh, hello there.

  
JOHN  
She spotted ya.

  
Rosie pulls Mycroft over to the sand area insistently.

  
ROSIE  
Castle!

  
MYCROFT  
All right, but it must be a right, stout English castle like Lindisfarne or Bodiam... no "princess castles" like Neuschwanstein, this time. It's simply out of the question. Understood?

  
Rosie continues to pull Mycroft to the sand pit. Mycroft sits down carefully, not wanting to get even his running clothes sandy. John joins Sherlock's side to watch Mycroft and Rosie begin building their castle.

  
JOHN  
You Holmes boys are better with children than you let on.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's only because he and Rosie happen to share a common interest. The reason Mycroft so enjoys complaining about my supposed childhood obsession with "playing pirates" is because I always refused to play his favorite: knights and castles. 

  
JOHN  
Mycroft, the knight in shining armor, defending his queen... Well that does explain a lot.

  
Sherlock turns slightly and looks at John imploringly.

  
SHERLOCK  
Is Thursday's date pirate-themed?

  
JOHN  
(laughing)  
No Sherlock. Unfortunately not.

  
SHERLOCK  
Please tell me what we are doing for our date.

  
JOHN  
Nope. No chance.

  
Sherlock steps sideways so that he is standing shoulder to shoulder with John. Sherlock slides his hand down John's back, over his bum, and into the back pocket of John's jeans to annoy him.

  
SHERLOCK  
If you don't tell me, my hand stays right here. For all the world to see.

  
JOHN  
(cheekily)  
I guess it will have to stay there, then.

  
Sherlock almost removes his hand in surprise, but keeps it in place.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - MONDAY MORNING

  
John and Rosie finish up breakfast and John collects all the things they will need for the day. Sherlock enters groggily rubbing his face.

  
SHERLOCK  
Good morning, Watsons.

  
ROSIE  
Sherk!

  
JOHN  
Good morning, Sherlock. There's coffee and leftover oatmeal if you want some. Only make sure it gets back in the fridge this time, will ya? Okay Rosie, let's get you cleaned up.

  
Sherlock grunts and heads to the coffee maker. John cleans oatmeal off Rosie's face and hands.

  
SHERLOCK  
(yawning)  
It's Sunday, right?

  
JOHN  
No, Sherlock. It's Monday, and Rosie and I have to get going pretty quickly here.

Sherlock sits down heavily at the table and sips coffee. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(with a twinkle in his eye)  
Merely making sure you have the right day of the week, John.

  
John scratches his head at Sherlock's enigmatic comment, but gives up.

  
JOHN  
You're the one who seems confused about the days of the week, Sherlock.   
(picking up Rosie)  
Okay, big girl, here we go. Say goodbye to Sherlock.

  
ROSIE  
Bye-Bye!

  
SHERLOCK  
Bye-Bye Rosie. Bye John.

  
John walks over and kisses Sherlock on the top of the head. John and Rosie leave the kitchen.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - MONDAY MID-MORNING

  
Sherlock opens the door carefully and stands in the doorway with a smug smile on his face. He spies John's red underpants on the dresser and his face falls in confusion and dismay. He closes the door carefully, but then opens it up again, wanting to confirm what he's seen. The red pants are, indeed, still on the dresser, unworn. Sherlock frowns again and closes the door with more force this time.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - TUESDAY MORNING 

  
Sherlock enters the kitchen. Rosie's eat and John bustles about the kitchen frantically. Sherlock sighs in disgust and leans against door frame.

  
SHERLOCK  
(crossly)  
Are you really going to wear those?

  
John glances down at his own outfit.

  
JOHN  
Pardon?

  
SHERLOCK  
Those trousers... you're really going to wear those to work?

  
JOHN  
(hands on hips)  
Yes. They're fine, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
They're too tight for the office.

  
John continues to gather up stuff to leave.

  
JOHN  
Excuse me, Grandpa Holmes, they are just fine.

  
SHERLOCK  
You'll distract all your patients.

  
JOHN  
(laughing)  
No. That's not going to happen, Sherlock. 

  
John walks over and plants a kiss on Sherlock's grumpy lips.

  
JOHN  
(quietly)  
Thanks for looking out for me Sherlock.

  
A little smile surfaces on Sherlock's face and he turns and disappears down the hallway.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - TUESDAY EVENING

  
Rosie is very cranky, crying and rubbing her eyes. John picks her up and tries to comfort her. Sherlock watches them from his chair.

  
JOHN  
Oh Rosie. You are so very tired.  
(feeling her forehead)  
Are you getting sick, luv? I think we'll have to put you to bed early.

  
ROSIE  
Nooo!

  
She starts crying harder. John tries to clean up her toys while simultaneously comforting her.

  
SHERLOCK  
Will you put me to bed early, too, John?

  
JOHN  
(dismissively, over Rosie's crying)  
Sherlock, your timing is horrible. Please don't try coming on to me when I'm dealing with a crabby child. And if she really is sick, I'll probably need to sleep in my own bed tonight to keep a eye on her.

  
Sherlock's face morphs into a pout as he takes out his phone.

  
JOHN  
Lovely, now I have two crabby children.

  
Sherlock pretends to be absorbed in his phone but sulks all the more.

  
JOHN  
Thursday. You just have to hold out until Thursday and I'll be all yours.

  
John carries crying Rosie out of the room and upstairs. Sherlock looks up from his phone and watches them go pensively.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - TUESDAY NIGHT

  
Sherlock taps away on his computer, deeply involved in a case. Over the baby monitor (which was accidentally left on), Rosie begins crying. Sherlock pauses his typing and listens, in case he is needed. But he soon hears John talking too, so he ignores the noise and gets back to work.

  
JOHN  
(over monitor, soothingly)  
Calm down, Rosie. Calm down. You're all right. Back to sleep.

  
Rosie continues crying. John occasionally hushes "Sh-Sh-Sh" to get her to quiet down.

  
JOHN  
(over monitor)  
Rosie, you seem to do so much better when I'm not sleeping in the same room as you, I swear. In fact... everyone sleeps better.

  
Sherlock pricks his ears at this and a pleased smile crosses his face. Rosie sounds like she's calming down and Sherlock walks over to turn off the baby monitor. 

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - WEDNESDAY MIDDAY

Sherlock opens the door carefully. He already has a frown on his face. He notes the red pants still sitting in the same spot; his expression doesn't change. He closes the door softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ends on a frustrating note. John, I'm not sure your plan is emotionally healthy for anyone; although, you are getting a lot of cardio.  
> And... MYSTRADE!! Heart emoji!


	12. Date Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Sherlock prepare for their big date in their own ways.  
> Smut Alert for the second half of the chapter. It will be labeled.

INT. POLICE CAR - ACROSS THE STREET FROM JOHN'S PLACE OF WORK - THURSDAY - MIDDAY

  
Sherlock watches the front door of the Medical Center intently. Nazir eats lunch, leftovers out of a plastic container.

  
NAZIR  
You know, I don't relish spending my entire lunch hour spying on your boyfriend, Holmes.

  
SHERLOCK  
Don't think of it as spying, think of it as helping me solve a mystery. The mystery of "where John is taking me on our date tonight."

  
NAZIR  
(sarcastically)  
Right, right. That makes everything a-okay now. Thank you for that.

  
SHERLOCK  
I've narrowed down the possibilities to twenty... fifteen of which require tickets that must be collected and paid for in advanced. Therefore, he must be collecting the tickets today.

  
NAZIR  
So there's a twenty-five percent chance that it's an outing that doesn't require tickets?

  
SHERLOCK  
(nodding)  
Or where one pays at the door.

  
NAZIR  
Yeah, what about that?

  
SHERLOCK  
John would want to be prepared though. He wouldn't want to run the risk of the tickets running out. No, he's reserved them under an assumed name, and he's picking them up today. He couldn't pick them up any earlier or I would have sniffed them out.

  
NAZIR  
(pointing towards the building)  
Could have hidden them in his office. 

  
SHERLOCK  
No, I checked.

  
NAZIR  
(admonishingly)  
Holmes!

  
Sherlock shrugs.

  
NAZIR  
How do you know he used an assumed name?

  
SHERLOCK  
I've checked all the venues. The names Watson or Holmes aren't on any of their will-call lists. John isn't very inventive so I also checked the usual suspects: Hooper, Hudson, Sholto, Stamford... there is a Morstan on one of the lists, but I doubt he would use that name.

  
NAZIR  
Oh?

  
SHERLOCK  
His dead wife's maiden name. Well, it wasn't really her name, just one she stole off of a headstone when she gave up her life as an international assassin.

  
NAZIR  
Good lord, that's convoluted. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Yep. Mary was a piece of work.

  
NAZIR  
John certainly has a type.

  
Sherlock gives Nazir a dirty look. She ignores it and continues eating lunch. She's struck with an idea.

  
NAZIR  
Hm! Maybe he got a friend to purchase the tickets for him.

  
SHERLOCK  
Nice work, Nazir. Of course, I thought of that... but I've checked all their credit card transactions and there's nothing.

  
Nazir frowns.

  
NAZIR  
Holmes, don't tell me these things. I don't want to hear about you breaking into people's accounts... I'll feel compelled to report you. 

  
SHERLOCK  
It's not my fault the credit card companies have rubbish internal security, Nazir.  
(slyly)  
I've been meaning to ask you, has Molly finally agreed to go out for drinkies with you after work?

  
NAZIR  
(glowering)  
No, not yet. Strictly twice-a-week-lunch at this moment. And funny how you only bring that up when you want to distract me or poke fun at me.

  
SHERLOCK  
Poke fun at you? Never. Molly is a dear friend of mine and I would very much like to see her set up with someone "nice", as she herself would say. Someone who can appreciate all that is wonderful and good about her. Someone stable... not a sociopath, basically.

  
NAZIR  
(grinning)  
You are beginning to sound like a smug married couple... wanting to fix up all your singleton friends.

  
SHERLOCK  
(grinning back)  
Am I? And smug married couples often discuss how they don't want their friends to date sociopaths, do they?

  
NAZIR  
Only the very smuggest.

  
Sherlock glances at his watch.

  
SHERLOCK  
(under breath)  
Come on John, you'd better hurry... Vivienne tells me your next appointment is at 1pm.

  
INT. JOHN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

  
John is calmly eating his bag lunch from home at his desk. He reaches for his mobile and sends a text.

  
INT. POLICE CAR - CONTINUOUS

  
Sherlock's phone pings, meanwhile the police radio cackles with information. Nazir and Sherlock both grab their phones anxiously.

  
Sherlock's text from John reads:  
I'LL PICK UP ROSIE TODAY. SORRY FOR CHANGE OF PLANS. I NEED TO PREP FOR MRS H BABYSITTING.

  
Sherlock texts back: OK

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh, you sneaky bastard, John. That's when you'll get the tickets. Hm... maybe I can get Rosie to spill the beans.

  
Nazir fires up the car's engine.

  
NAZIR  
Holmes, sorry to cut the stakeout short, but there's been a robbery a few streets over. Wanna tag along?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, absolutely. Turns out my afternoon has just opened up.

  
EXT. NURSERY SCHOOL - THURSDAY - AFTERNOON

  
Audrey and John push their respective children in strollers down the sidewalk.

  
AUDREY  
(handing over an envelope)  
Here they are.

  
JOHN  
Oh thank you, Audrey. And please thank your husband profusely for me. I owe you both a million.

  
AUDREY  
Such subterfuge, John. Having him pay in cash and collecting the tickets in person... 

  
JOHN  
Well this IS Sherlock we are talking about. It's nearly impossible to keep a surprise from him.

  
John's phone sounds with a text alert from Sherlock. John reads it and exhales in annoyance.

  
JOHN  
He wants to know if it is a sporting event.  
(pausing to text back)  
Of course not. Audrey, he's been doing this all day long.

  
AUDREY  
I bet! Hasn't worn you down yet?

  
JOHN  
Nope.

  
John glances at a new text.

  
JOHN  
Oh lord, listen to this Audrey! "How will I know how to dress if you don't tell me where we're going?"

  
Audrey and John both start laughing.

  
AUDREY  
Like he's going to wear anything else but a suit. So what does it matter?

  
John pauses to text Sherlock back.

  
JOHN  
That's exactly what I've texted him.

.  
AUDREY  
Watch out, he'll threaten to wear pajamas.

John's phone pings. He read it.

  
JOHN  
Too late, he already has!

  
John and Audrey laugh heartily.

  
JOHN  
Okay, I better throw him a bone...  
(while texting)  
"I'm wearing somewhat formal. You'll be mismatched in pj's."

  
Sherlock texts back immediately. It reads:  
IS IT THIS DAPPER SUIT @ MRS H PLACE? PLS WEAR YOUR BABY BLUE BUTTON DOWN W/ IT

  
JOHN  
Damn it! Sneaky bastard found my outfit hanging in Mrs. Hudson's flat... and now he's giving me unsolicited fashion advice.

  
AUDREY  
Sneaky bastard!

  
Another text from Sherlock pops up. It reads:  
WHY DOES MRS H HAVE A PLANT MISTER FULL OF ALCOHOL? 

  
JOHN  
(to self)  
Sorry, Sherlock. That's a mystery you'll have to figure out yourself. 

  
They continue walking together down the sidewalk side by side, pushing their strollers. John signs and looks about, agitated. 

  
AUDREY  
What's eating at you, John?

  
JOHN  
Hm? Oh. Right. Nervous about the date... hope it goes well.

  
AUDREY  
(with concern)  
Of course it will. Why wouldn't it?

  
JOHN  
(sighing slightly)  
Things haven't been great between us lately. A bit of a bumpy patch.

  
AUDREY  
Oh! I'm sorry to hear that.  
(a pause)  
I'm... surprised. I mean, every time I see the two of you together, you seem like a snuggly couple. Very happy to be in each other's presence.  
(another pause)  
But there can be arguing, lots of back and forth and things to iron out at the beginning of any relationship.

  
JOHN  
Well, sure, there's some arguing.  
(hesitating)  
But this seems to be more of a... problem of a physical nature.

  
AUDREY  
Ohh... you mean, in the bedroom?

  
JOHN  
Uh-huh. Exactly.

  
Audrey furrows her brow with concern and waits patiently for John to elaborate. They continue their walking before he finally does.

  
JOHN  
He doesn't seem that into me, Audrey.

  
Audrey's eyebrows shoot up with surprise.

  
AUDREY  
I have a very hard time believing that.  
(giggling)  
John, every time I see Sherlock looking at you, he looks like he either wants to shag you or be shagged by you as soon as humanly possible.

  
JOHN  
(very embarrassed)  
Yes. Erm. There's a distinct lack of shagging going on. Well, there IS, but it's very lopsided. 

  
John throws back his head in chagrin.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock is kind enough to make sure I reach orgasm, in a few limited ways, that is... but he doesn't want me to return the favor. Ever.   
(pause)  
It is so frustrating.

  
AUDREY  
I see. Sort of. Why does it frustrate you so, I wonder? If you are being sexually satisfied, then why --

  
JOHN  
(interrupting)  
It's the fairness of it all, Audrey! The imbalance. I feel guilty. Why should I get all the pleasure and he gets none? All I want to do is reciprocate, but...

  
John stops walking and looks down dejectedly. Audrey stops short, too. 

  
JOHN  
He doesn't want me. He's not physically attracted to me. It's that simple.

  
AUDREY  
(incredulously)  
No, John. Come on. What makes you think he's not attracted to you?

  
JOHN  
(puckishly)  
Well... you may not know this about the male sex organ Audrey, but when it is aroused, it grows in size.

  
AUDREY  
(rolling eyes)  
Okay, thank you John.  
(to the kids)  
Hey, what's going on, you two?

  
Dorian and Rosie, bored, have pulled off their shoes and are throwing them at each other from their strollers and giggling. John and Audrey hustle to re-shod their toddlers.

  
AUDREY  
Okay, we'd better keep walking before the kids revolt.

  
They resume walking. Audrey glances over at John who still looks very worried.

  
AUDREY  
A lack of erection doesn't necessarily mean he's not aroused.

  
JOHN  
I hate to counter, but it happens to be the very definition of arousal.

  
AUDREY  
Not necessarily. Maybe he has a low sex drive. Perhaps it is a medical condition... could be impotence. He may be ace. Asexual. Or a myriad of other reasons.

  
John rubs his face at all this new information.

  
AUDREY  
Oh God. Audrey, I'm an idiot. I'm a medical professional and none of these crossed my mind.

  
AUDREY  
They might not have crossed Sherlock's mind either. I hope you don't mind me saying, but he's a quirky guy. Perhaps this non-arousal doesn't seem odd or out of the ordinary for him... until something like a serious relationship brings it to light.

  
JOHN  
I figured he was just manipulating me.

  
Now it is Audrey's turn to stop walking, shocked. 

  
AUDREY  
What? Why?

  
JOHN  
(calmly)  
Keep walking Audrey.

  
Audrey rallies and catches up to John.

  
AUDREY  
Does he?... Is there a history of him sexually or emotionally manipulating you, John?

  
JOHN  
(scoffs sardonically)  
Yes, I'd say so. Some fairly significant occasions of him manipulating me emotionally, I'd say.

  
AUDREY  
Oh, no. I'm so sorry to hear. I've seen him try to manipulate situations for his own benefit before... I didn't realize he'd do that to you, too. John, that's not good.

  
JOHN  
Well, I'm no walk in the park either, Audrey. With PTSD and anger management issues, I've taken my frustrations out on him a handful of times, quite painfully I'm afraid. I'm not proud of it, but they've happened.

  
AUDREY  
John.  
(taking a big breath)  
I'm only going to say this once and then I promise I'll never say it again.

  
JOHN  
Go ahead. I already know what you're going to say. Say it.

  
AUDREY  
Okay, then. Are you sure you two want to pursue this relationship considering your history together?

  
JOHN  
I've thought a lot about this. And, yeah, I do. I've been in therapy for years for my stuff, and he's been getting therapy for his... and with many more years of therapy ahead of us, I think we can make it.

  
AUDREY  
(nodding)  
Okay.

  
JOHN  
Okay?

  
AUDREY  
(smiling)  
You two have my blessing. And it sounds like you are going to need it, too.  
(growing serious)  
And for the record, it doesn't seem like Sherlock is manipulating you in the bedroom. From an outside perspective, it appears that one partner is trying very hard to satisfy the other partner any way he can. It seems to me Sherlock is genuinely trying hard.

  
Audrey shrugs and smiles at John.   
John nods and gazes forward, deep in thought, as they continue walking home.

  
EXT. 221 BAKER STREET - THURSDAY NIGHT

  
A taxi pulls up and John and Sherlock exit the taxi looking spiffy in their suits. John, indeed, has worn a baby blue shirt with his waistcoat. They smile at each other and enter the building.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - CONTINUOUS

  
Mrs. Hudson sits in John's chair reading a book. The door opens and John and Sherlock walk in. Mrs. Hudson smiles at them.

  
MRS HUDSON  
John! Sherlock! Welcome home. Did you have a nice time?

  
Sherlock wanders to the window and John sits down in Sherlock's leather chair. He smiles at Mrs. Hudson.

  
JOHN  
We had a good time. Well, I did. What about you, Sherlock?

  
Sherlock is distracted, gazing out the window wistfully.

  
MRS HUDSON  
So, Sherlock, where did John take you? I'm dying to know. John wouldn't even give me a hint!

  
Mrs. Hudson's question finally catches Sherlock's attention.

  
SHERLOCK  
The symphony. A night of violin concertos, Mrs. Hudson.

  
MRS HUDSON  
(gasping)  
Oh Sherlock! That must have been lovely! Oh John, you really outdid yourself. Sherlock, had you guessed at all?

  
SHERLOCK  
(with a little smile)  
It was in my top twenty. 

  
JOHN  
(also smiling)  
Only top twenty?

  
SHERLOCK  
If you hadn't done such a good job covering your tracks, it might have been higher.

  
John looks very pleased with himself. Mrs. Hudson smiles on him fondly.

  
MRS HUDSON  
And dinner?

  
SHERLOCK  
Fish and chips.

  
Mrs. Hudson laughs merrily.

  
JOHN  
I didn't dare book a table at a fancy restaurant, Mrs. Hudson. I figured he would have called every restaurant in London trying to track down the reservation.

  
Sherlock returns to looking outside.

  
SHERLOCK  
He's right, I did.

  
Mrs. Hudson and John chuckle at this.

  
MRS HUDSON  
It is a good think you like fish and chips so much, dear. It's all right, John, you can take him out for posh dining another night.

  
JOHN  
How was Rosie, Mrs H? Did she give you any trouble?

  
MRS HUDSON  
No, of course not. I kept her very busy and then she fell right asleep.

  
JOHN  
Did you ply her with biscuits all night to keep her tame?

  
MRS HUDSON  
Well, perhaps just a little.

  
JOHN  
I certainly appreciate you watching Rosie for us... WE certainly appreciate it... Right, Sherlock?

  
John and Mrs. Hudson both glance at Sherlock expectantly, but he's lost in thought at the window.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Well, I would very much like to do it again. Thursdays are good a evening for me, you know.

  
JOHN  
Oh Mrs. Hudson, that is really too kind of you.

  
MRS HUDSON  
I really don't mind, John.

  
John glances at Sherlock, who is still lost in thought. He returns to face Mrs. Hudson with an uneasy smile.

  
JOHN  
Well then. All right. Maybe once a month?

  
MRS HUDSON  
Better make it twice a month, dear. I'm just so glad to hear you had a nice time.

  
JOHN  
Very much so.

  
MRS HUDSON  
(loudly)  
And you, Sherlock?

  
SHERLOCK  
(distantly)  
Very nice indeed.

  
Mrs. Hudson and John share a perplexed look. John rises and helps Mrs. Hudson up from the chair. 

  
JOHN  
Well, let's not keep you up all night. I'll escort you downstairs so I can shower you with more thanks.

  
MRS HUDSON  
That's kind of you. Goodnight, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock doesn't seem to hear. John gives her an apologetic shrug. He and Mrs. Hudson exit. Sherlock takes his violin out of its case and plucks a melody from the night on the strings as he continues to gaze out the window. John returns back from downstairs. He approaches Sherlock carefully.

  
JOHN  
You tired, Sherlock?

  
Sherlock turns his head John's way, contemplates him for a moment, and nods.

  
JOHN  
Then we should get you to bed. Should I join you tonight?

  
Sherlock thinks on this, and slowly nods again.

  
JOHN  
Well then, let me go check on Rosie and I'll see you there in a few.

  
John heads out the door again. His footsteps on the stairs can be heard. Sherlock doesn't move from the window and plucks the strings softly still. When he hears John's footsteps coming back downstairs, he stops and turns to the door expectantly. However, John enters through the kitchen door and proceeds down the back hall to Sherlock's bedroom. Sherlock moves closer to the kitchen so he can watch John. Outside Sherlock's room, John adjusts his outfit nervously (wanting to look his best for Sherlock). Sherlock grins softly to himself: amused, touched, and flattered. John knocks quietly at Sherlock's door.

  
SHERLOCK  
(calling softly)  
John.

  
**[SMUT ALERT - BEGIN]**

  
John turns in surprise and sees Sherlock in the sitting room. He blushes and smiles and walks down the hall, through the kitchen, and joins Sherlock in the sitting room.  
Sherlock, still holding his violin, pulls John into his arms and kisses him, deep and long. John clutches onto Sherlock's lapels for balance and returns the kiss. As the kissing continues, John reaches up to caress the back of Sherlock's head, enmeshing his fingers in Sherlock's curls. Sherlock explores John back and buttocks with his free hand. Awkwardly, they make their way over to the sofa, bumping into furniture, furiously kissing the entire time. Sherlock at last sets his violin down on the table and gently pushes John onto the sofa.  
John looks up at Sherlock with intense desire, but not knowing what to expect. Sherlock gazes down at him with a lopsided grin. He carefully kneels in front of the sofa and slowly unbuckles John's belt. With precision and care, Sherlock unbuttons and unzips John's tight, fancy trousers. John gasps as Sherlock frees John's hard cock from the confines of his pants. 

  
JOHN  
(breathlessly)  
Sherlock!

  
Sherlock's wraps his fingers around the base of John's shaft and delicately licks the bell-end. John moans in response and Sherlock's full mouth is on John's prick in the next moment, giving him a slow but hearty suck. John grabs onto the sofa cushions to brace himself. Sherlock switches gears, methodically and persistently working John's erection over with his tongue. His fingertips massage John's bollocks through the fabric of his pants. John closes his eyes and lies his head back against the wall with pleasure. Sherlock rests a hand on John's thigh and John places his hand on top of Sherlock's. John's other hand softly caresses Sherlock's head and hair. Sherlock's head bobs up and down as he licks and sucks at John's penis, intently -- gently but without mercy. Sherlock's eyes cast up at John's face, gauging John's facial expressions and responses.  
John dares to look down at Sherlock going to town on him. But it proves to be too much. John eyes lock onto Sherlock's beautiful blues ones, and it nearly send him over the edge.

  
JOHN  
(panting)  
Sherlock!

  
Sherlock redoubles his efforts, focusing on licking and sucking the shaft and end of John's cock steadily as John comes closer and closer to climaxing. At last, John's fingernails dig into the back of Sherlock's hand as he orgasms quick and hard.

  
JOHN  
(loudly)  
Ahhh! Oh God!

  
John shudders as cum pumps into Sherlock's mouth. Sherlock accepts it willingly. Slowly, Sherlock licks John's cock clean and lays his head on John's thigh. John whimpers as he recovers.

  
JOHN  
Come here...

  
John pulls Sherlock up so that he is sitting next to him on the sofa. John places a hand on the side of Sherlock's face and kisses his mouth amorously, exploring it tenderly with his tongue. After a moment, Sherlock breaks off the kiss and closes his eyes as he leans his head against John's head. He needs to catch his breath.

SHERLOCK  
(with soft admonishment)  
Always so loud when you climax, John. 

  
JOHN  
(grinning)  
If you weren't so good at making me come, Sherlock.

  
John gives Sherlock a few small kisses.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock...

  
John gives Sherlock a few more kisses.

  
JOHN  
Please, let me reciprocate... nothing would make me happier.

  
Sherlock pulls away from John's kisses and gently shakes his head no.

  
**[SMUT - END]**

  
SHERLOCK  
(with a kind smile)  
No. That was my way of saying thank you for a lovely evening, John. The wonderful surprise you planned for me.

  
Sherlock gets that faraway look in his eyes again. He suddenly looks incredibly tired. John tempers his disappointment and sweetly rubs Sherlock's shoulder.

  
JOHN  
(with a bittersweet smile)  
You are welcome, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock stands up stiffly.

  
SHERLOCK  
I'm heading to bed.

  
JOHN  
I'll join you in a moment. If you'd still like me to, that is.

  
SHERLOCK  
(nodding)  
Please do.

  
Sherlock exits through the kitchen. John rests his elbows on the coffee table, apprehension on his face, as he watches Sherlock leave. John repacks, buttons, and zips his trousers and leans back on the sofa with a heavy sigh. His gaze falls on the violin left on the coffee table. He stands and picks up the violin gingerly. He walks it over to the case lying below the window sill. He pauses to stare out the window for a moment. 

  
JOHN  
(chiding himself)  
What are you doing, John? He's clearly asexual like Audrey said... or there's some other underlying physical condition. He's not manipulating you, John. So why are you trying to manipulate him? Stop trying to trick Sherlock into having sex with you.

  
John looks up and sighs deeply.

  
JOHN  
I have to accept this. This is the way Sherlock is. And...   
(inhaling deeply)  
I can be okay with being on the receiving end... and never giving back.

  
John's sad expression betrays his true feelings. But he's willing to soldier on. He carefully places the violin in its case and clicks the case closed. He turns off the lights in the sitting room as he leaves for Sherlock's bedroom.

  
INT. SHERLOCK BEDROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

  
Sherlock is sleeping in bed. John exits the bathroom in pajamas and gets into bed as well. Sherlock turns to spoon John. John waits a few moments before speaking.

  
JOHN  
(whispering)  
Thank you, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
(yawning)  
For what?

  
JOHN  
Being you.

  
SHERLOCK  
(sleepily)  
Were you wearing your red pants today?

  
JOHN  
(exasperated but gently)  
No, I wasn't.

  
SHERLOCK  
Just checking.

  
Sherlock seems to fall back asleep instantly. John, although baffled, gives up and falls asleep, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John, are you going to be okay? Sherlock, what's wrong, luv?


	13. Seeing Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock is in a crabby mood all weekend long. John and Sherlock have a row in a Tesco. Sherlock has a hard time mind palacing. Sherlock finally finds some release Sunday night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut alert for last two-thirds of the chapter.  
> Special Smut Warning: Somewhat Rough Sex. Followed by very gentle sex.

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - SATURDAY MORNING

  
Sherlock yawns and is about to pour himself some coffee when he hears noises emanating from the sitting room. He walks over to investigate.

  
INT. SITTING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

  
Sherlock enters and sees John (in running gear) and Rosie stretching on the rug.

  
SHERLOCK  
(perturbed)  
Oh Christ. Again?

  
JOHN  
(a little shocked)  
Er, yes, could you watch Rosie?

  
SHERLOCK  
Why don't you do everyone a favor and just get fat instead of inconveniencing us all with your running?

  
John stands up quickly, annoyed.

  
JOHN  
There are a myriad of reasons to get cardiovascular exercise other than weight loss, you know.

  
SHERLOCK  
(sarcastically)  
Yes, thank you Doctor Watson.

  
JOHN  
And if looking after my daughter is inconveniencing you so much, I'll go ask Mrs. Hudson to watch her.

  
Sherlock scoops up Rosie protectively. She squeals with delight.

  
SHERLOCK  
(very serious)  
Rosie has never been, and never will be, an inconvenience to me, John. You are the inconvenience, not Rosie.

  
JOHN  
Okay, okay. I've obviously struck a nerve. I'll go see if Mrs. H is available. You don't seem to be in the right frame of mind for contending with a small child.

  
SHERLOCK  
(calming down)  
I'm fine. Rosie and I will be fine. Go have your run.

  
JOHN  
I don't know...

  
SHERLOCK  
I'm fine. Really.

  
JOHN  
Are you sure?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, go. Rosie and I have a big, big morning of messes to make and things to do. So, off you go.

John looks at Sherlock, trying to gauge his mood. Sherlock stares back at him placidly.

  
JOHN  
Okay then. I'll go. Bye Rosie. Be good.

  
ROSIE  
(waving)  
Bye-Bye.

  
John leaves the flat. Sherlock gently puts down Rosie. He collapses into his chair with a huge dramatic sigh. Rosie, in attempts to copy him, laboriously climbs onto John's chair, plops herself down dramatically, and mimics his sigh. Sherlock looks over at her with an amused smile.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - SATURDAY NIGHT 

  
John reads in bed. Sherlock comes to join him in bed. Sherlock takes off John's reading glasses slowly and kisses him several times. John responds readily, kissing him back and running a hand up and down Sherlock's arm. Sherlock suddenly stops and brushes John's hand off him, not aggressively, but very deliberately. Sherlock flops onto the pillow, facing away from John. John looks bewildered and turns off the light. He lies down, facing away from Sherlock with a hurt look on his face.

  
INT. TESCO EXTRA - SUNDAY - DAY  
John pushes a half-filled shopping trolley down an aisle with Rosie in the child's seat. Sherlock trails behind a bit petulantly.

  
JOHN  
(looking behind him)  
Sherlock?

  
SHERLOCK  
Hm?

  
JOHN  
Could you take Rosie for a moment? I want to go pick out a T-O-Y for Dorian's birthday party next week and I don't want Rosie to see.

  
SHERLOCK  
Why on earth not?

  
JOHN  
(exasperated)  
I don't really want to deal with a toddler tantrum in the middle of this store when she doesn't get a T-O-Y, too, all right? Honestly, Sherlock, do you not know how little kids work?

  
Sherlock gives John a sour look. He unbuckles Rosie and picks her up.

  
SHERLOCK  
(pleasantly)  
Come Rosie, let's go check out housing goods while Daddy goes on secret mission, shall we?

  
John rushes off with the trolley.

  
JOHN  
Thanks!

  
Sherlock, carrying Rosie on his hip, leisurely heads down the next aisle where they spot children's potty chairs. Sherlock stops short. Rosie reaches out for them and makes excited noises.

  
ROSIE  
Ooooooo!

  
SHERLOCK  
Oooooo... potties! 

  
Sherlock points to a couple options.

  
SHERLOCK  
Which one do you fancy, Rosie? The green or the blue?

  
She shakes her head and reaches out for a different one.

  
SHERLOCK  
Ohh! The pink one.

  
ROSIE  
Pink one!

  
SHERLOCK  
Good choice.

  
He is about to grab the pink potty when John hustles down the aisle with the trolley.

  
JOHN  
(with a smile)  
Thanks, Sherlock. Mission accomplished.

  
SHERLOCK  
John. Rosie and I have been discussing it, and we feel it is high time she had a potty chair of her own.

  
John frowns.

  
JOHN  
No, she's not old enough, and potty training is a huge time commitment, Sherlock. Huge. You have no idea.

  
SHERLOCK  
All the experts say--

  
JOHN  
(rolling eyes)  
Oh God.

  
SHERLOCK  
Ah-hem. All the experts say that if the child shows a high interest and possesses the concentration for it, they are ready. Our bright girl Rosie here seems plenty ready to me.

  
JOHN  
(testily)  
I'm her father, don't you think I should have the final say?

  
SHERLOCK  
(snippy)  
No one is debating that fact, John.

  
JOHN  
Oh really!

  
SHERLOCK  
Really! But DO stop treating me like I am merely her babysitter--  
(mimicking John)  
"Sherlock, pick Rosie up from school! Sherlock, watch her while I go run!"  
(serious again)  
\-- when my relationship with her is far more significant.

  
John's lips press together in an angry line. Rosie is watching their expressions closely.

  
JOHN  
I think you overplay your significance in her life.

  
SHERLOCK  
(hissing)  
And you underplay it! You believe you and Rosie are marooned on this sad little island, when in actuality you have people all around looking out for the two of you: Mrs. Hudson, myself, Audrey, even Mycroft in his own inscrutable way. Why don't you try letting people into your family, John? It's not that hard.

  
JOHN  
(enraged, in Sherlock's face)  
We are NOT having this discussion here! In the middle of Tesco! Do you hear me?

  
Rosie immediately starts crying at John's tone.

  
SHERLOCK  
Now look what you've done, John! There, there, Rosie.

  
Sherlock bounces Rosie on his hip to comfort her. John hastens a few steps away from them, trying to regain his cool.

  
SHERLOCK  
For the record, John, arguments don't just conveniently arise in the comfort of one's own home. They are liable to happen whenever and wherever they please. Come on Rosie, you and I are going to the biscuit aisle. I think we both deserve it.

  
Sherlock strides away with crying Rosie.

  
JOHN  
(calling after them)  
Fine! Spoil her rotten.

  
Sherlock stops and turns to holler back at John.

  
SHERLOCK  
All this, over a child's potty!

  
JOHN  
It's not about the bloomin' potty chair!!

  
SHERLOCK  
Of course it is!  
(pointing)  
She likes the pink one... the one with the equestrian theme.

  
John glances at the rows of potties.

  
JOHN  
My Little Pony?

  
SHERLOCK  
I don't know what that means, nor do I want to.

  
Sherlock disappear with Rosie. John stands in the middle of the aisle and looks up at the ceiling and groans in exasperation. His fellow shoppers give him the stink eye. He grabs the pink My Little Pony potty and tosses it in the trolley. 

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - SUNDAY NIGHT

  
Sherlock sits at the table with eyes closed and fingers steepled. John enters and looks at his briefly and continues to the sink. He puts on his gloves and begins washing the dishes.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock, can you bring over the dirty plates from the table, please?

  
Sherlock opens his eyes with a start. He doesn't look happy. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Can't you see I'm working?

  
JOHN  
No, not really.

  
SHERLOCK  
(darkly)  
Well, I am.

  
JOHN  
I'd just like a little help with the clean up, is all.

  
SHERLOCK  
And I'd like ten minutes strung together of relative peace and quiet, but that's impossible around here!

  
John huffs and turns away to continue washing dishes.

  
SHERLOCK  
(muttering)  
Can't even properly mind palace anymore... have to settle for semi mind-palacing, which is not nearly sufficient enough...  
(loudly)  
All because the Watsons are oh so distracting!

  
John splashes water out of the sink in frustration and glares at Sherlock.

  
JOHN  
Why don't you go mind palace in your room, then? Or in that bloody mad scientist laboratory you have going on in the basement, hm?

  
Sherlock closes his eyes slowly and presses his fingertips to his lips again.

  
SHERLOCK  
I don't want to.

  
John groans and balls his fists. 

  
JOHN  
I don't know what to do anymore!  
(more calmly)  
I thought our date would be a good step... good for our relationship. It seemed good. To me anyway.  
(growing angry again)  
But you've been an unbearable grump ever since, picking fights with me left and right all weekend long!

Sherlock's only response in one cocked eyebrow. John regards him for a moment and begins to feel guilty.

  
JOHN  
I know I haven't handled things very well. I've been entirely too pushy. Mucked it up utterly. But Sherlock, I need some direction here. Tell me what you need from me. 

  
Sherlock, eyes still closed, doesn't respond. 

  
JOHN  
Just tell me what I can do to fix this. Please, just tell me. 

  
Sherlock appears to have sunk into his mind palace and is blocking out all John is saying. John, disgruntled, turns back to the sink full of dishes.

  
JOHN  
(pulling off gloves)  
You know what? I'll finish these tomorrow.

  
John shoots Sherlock a dirty look as he storms out of the kitchen.

  
SHERLOCK  
John, sleep in my room tonight.

  
John storms back into the kitchen.

  
JOHN  
(fuming)  
Why?! You clearly don't want me around. You are in such a foul mood. The foulest!  
(more steadily)  
It's one of your bad days, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock lifts his head and gives John a hard look.

  
SHERLOCK  
(trying to control his own anger)  
I want you in my room even on my bad days, John. Especially my bad days! That's when I need you there the most. Why don't you just sleep in my room every night, good and bad, so I don't have to keep begging you day after day like a pathetic fool. It is so tiresome. 

  
Emotions vie for dominance on John's face: anger, surprise, softness. He leaves the kitchen without a word and can be heard ascending the stairs. Sherlock squeezes his eyelids together in rage and returns to his mind palace. 

  
Sherlock successfully sinks into his mind palace, a disturbing place this time. Everything is in shades of red: the fading wallpaper, the flooring, the dusty red furnishings. He searches for John in every room, calling out to him, but can't find him. 

  
Sherlock, in real life, doesn't notice John walking into the kitchen with a stack of clothing and other items in his arms. John regards Sherlock carefully, but Sherlock's clearly in another place. John sighs and exits the kitchen, down the back hallway. Meanwhile, in the mind palace, Sherlock continues running from room to room calling desperately for John. The despair that Sherlock feels in his mind palace registers on his real life face as well.

  
JOHN  
(calling quietly)  
Sherlock.

  
Sherlock awakens at the sound of John's voice and turns to look. John stands at the kitchen doorway in his red pants. Only his red underpants. Sherlock stands up in such a rush that the chair scrapes the floor and nearly topples over. Sherlock strides over to John, looming over him in a second.

[ **SMUT ALERT - BEGINS HERE, THROUGH END OF CHAPTER]**

  
SHERLOCK  
(furious)  
How dare you?! I'm working! And in the foulest mood, remember?!

  
Sherlock's mouth is on John's, kissing him roughly, with such need. John places his hands on Sherlock's waist, but Sherlock bats them away. He holds John's chin firmly.

  
SHERLOCK  
No! You don't get to touch me. And no talking.

  
John grabs the door jam behind him to brace himself and to keep his hands off Sherlock. Sherlock resumes his onslaught of kisses, being merciless with his tongue. He pulls John roughly to him by his waistband and has his hands down John's pants in a flash. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(growling)  
How dare you? Distracting me like this.

  
Sherlock's hands roam John's body: exploring, feeling, and squeezing everywhere.

  
SHERLOCK  
You, demanding so much of my attention, John. This part in particular...

  
Sherlock kisses John hungrily as he squeezes John's growing erection, making John wince.

  
SHERLOCK  
... requires so, so much attention.

  
Sherlock's kisses grow gentler for a moment. He rests his forehead against John's forehead. Both men close their eyes, trying to rein in their desire. It takes all of John's willpower to keep his hands off Sherlock, to keep from caressing him.

  
SHERLOCK  
In my room. Now.

  
Without a word, John turns and walks briskly to Sherlock's room. Sherlock places his hands on the table and leans over, overcome with desire, and watches him go.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - BACK HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

  
Sherlock strips as he makes his way to the bedroom, forming puddles of clothing all down the hallway. 

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SHERLOCK'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

  
John stands in the bedroom facing the bed, sternly, like a soldier. The light from the bathroom pools on his face. Sherlock enters through the bedroom door only wearing black underpants. He pauses momentarily, struck by how fantastic John looks. He closes the door quietly and walks directly up to John, pressing his bare chest against John's back. Sherlock kisses and licks John's neck and shoulder greedily. Sherlock wraps one arm around John's torso holding him in place, while the other hand reaches into John's pants fondling John's hardness. John tries to remain stock still, but he closes his eyes with pleasure and his breath rate increases.

  
SHERLOCK  
(commanding)  
On the bed, on all fours.

  
John does so, and Sherlock kneels on the bed directly behind him. Sherlock notes that the lubricant is already waiting on the bedside table for him. Sherlock generously lubes up his right hand and plunges it down John's red pants, wrapping his fingers around John's hard prick. John responds with a gasp but does not let words escape. Sherlock strokes and strokes, setting a steady pace up and down John's cock. Sherlock presses himself against John's arse. His left hand snakes down the back of John's pants caressing said arse, massaging it, grabbing it. His thumb runs up and down John's cleft and circles and presses against John's hole. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(desperately)  
Please, John. Permit me.

  
JOHN  
(hoarsely)  
Gloves, side table drawer.

  
Sherlock yanks open the drawer and quickly dons a glove. He lubricates it and positioned himself behind John again. With his right hand once again grasping John's cock, Sherlock slips his left gloved hand down John's red pants and positions his fingers at John's arsehole. Sherlock moans deeply as he inserts one finger all the way in.

  
JOHN  
(moaning in response)  
Sherlock!

  
SHERLOCK  
Shhh! No talking, I said.

  
Sherlock pulls his finger nearly all the way out.

  
SHERLOCK  
Be good, John.

  
Sherlock then inserts two fingers at once, all the way. John stifles a cry and closes his eyes with pleasure and pain. 

  
Sherlock resumes stroking John's penis in his red pants, matching that perfectly with the in-and-out movement of his gloved fingers, pulling halfway out and plunging back in over and over. John can't help letting some moans escape in the process, knowing his backside is going to pay for this tomorrow. His pleasure builds quickly.

  
JOHN  
Ahh!

  
Sherlock leans over John, getting his mouth as close to John's ear as he can. He pauses his stroking and probing for a dear moment.

  
SHERLOCK  
(whispering darkly)  
That's right... you'll come in your red pants, and you'll come hard. With me pounding into your lovely arse, do you hear me?

  
Sherlock curves the fingers of his gloved hand and strokes John's prostate. 

  
JOHN  
Ahhhhhhh!

  
SHERLOCK  
(severely)  
Quiet, I said! Do you hear me?

  
John nods. Sherlock resumes his stroking and probing once more, adding an internal prostate massage into the routine. John begins to shake, trying to stave off the orgasm.

  
SHERLOCK  
(huskily)  
Don't fight it, John. I feel you tightening against my fingers. I feel how hard you are right now. Do not fight it.

  
John can't fight it. Sherlock matches his stroking to John's cock thrusting into his hand, building up more and more. John can't take it anymore. He bites off his cries, moaning loudly through his teeth as he comes, wetting Sherlock's hand and his pants with his cum, squeezing deliciously against Sherlock's fingers in his bum, and making Sherlock moan in appreciation. 

  
Breathing heavily, John stays on all fours as he recovers. Sherlock pulls out slowly, degloves, and wipes his hands off with a wet wipe. Sherlock eyes John's back, covered with a sheen of sweat, and his round bum encased in his red pants. Those red pants. 

  
Sherlock kneels behind John again, still in his own black underpants, grinding lightly against John's backside. They both feel Sherlock's erection growing as Sherlock sways, rubs and grinds it against John's arse. Sherlock moans softly as he does so. His movements, though slow and methodical at first, become stronger and ever more urgent. John uses all his self-control to maintain his position on all fours, wanting so much to get his eyes and hands on Sherlock's elusive, and from what John can tell, rather large erection.

  
SHERLOCK  
Look what you've done to me, John. You and your red pants.

  
Sherlock grinds very hard against John once more, and then sits back on his heels. John slowly, carefully kneels and turns around to face him. Sherlock, the light from the bathroom lighting up his bare chest, has his head thrown back and has one hand at his crotch, lightly touching his bulging penis through the black fabric of his pants. John is briefly overcome by how beautiful he looks like this; but there are pressing matters.

  
JOHN  
(softly)  
Lie down, Sherlock. Come, lie down.

  
Sherlock lies on his back, his head on his pillow. He looks up uncertainly at John. John smiles tenderly at him, giving reassurance.

  
JOHN  
Now, let's see what we have here.

  
John gingerly pulls the black pants all the way down Sherlock's long legs and folds them neatly on the bed.  
John returns his focus to Sherlock's groin, to give it the close inspection it deserves. He runs a finger down Sherlock's well-endowed penis. Sherlock squirms.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock. You're huge.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's not that big.

  
JOHN  
I beg to differ. It's enormous.

  
SHERLOCK  
(cheekily)  
Like you have anything to compare it to. How many engorged penises have you actually come across in your life, John?

  
JOHN  
Excuse me. I'm a doctor. I've seen more than my fair share of them, thank you very much.

  
John tilts his head to get a better look at it. He dares to touch it lightly again.

  
JOHN  
(with admiration)  
And yours is the biggest I've seen.

  
SHERLOCK  
Well, size isn't everything. Unfortunately.  
(nervously)  
John, before we begin, you must know a few things. It is very hard for me to get an erection, even harder for me to maintain it, and extremely difficult for me to reach orgasm.

  
John nods with understanding, taking in all this information.

  
SHERLOCK  
The vast majority of the time I don't climax. And when I do, it takes an incredible amount of time.

  
JOHN  
(nodding again)  
Okay.

  
SHERLOCK  
(carefully)  
I just want you to know it's not you... not anything you are doing or not doing. It's me. I have troubles keeping the proper mindfulness for sex. I can't stay "in the moment" as they say. And poof! there goes my erection. If I think too hard, I tend to focus on the mechanics and the ridiculousness of it all. And if I don't focus on it enough, I drift off...

  
JOHN  
Into your mind palace?

  
SHERLOCK  
Exactly.

  
John nods again, earnestly.

  
JOHN  
Okay. How would you like me to... er, hands? Mouth?

  
SHERLOCK  
Whatever you like. But be gentle. I require a light touch.

  
John licks his lips nervously and reaches for the lubricant. He squeezes some out on his hands. He kneels at Sherlock's waist and inhales deeply in preparation. Sherlock observes him closely the entire time. John delicately wraps his left hand around Sherlock's penis.

  
SHERLOCK  
(inhaling through teeth)  
Lighter!

  
JOHN  
I'm barely... Wow, you really are sensitive.

  
John skims his hand gently over Sherlock's length.

  
SHERLOCK  
I am.

  
JOHN  
(with a small smirk)  
It figures.

  
Sherlock scoffs. John smiles devilishly at him.  
John begins to lightly stroke Sherlock's long penis from tip to base and back up. Sherlock closes his eyes momentarily with pleasure.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, John. Continue. Just so.

  
JOHN  
How's the pace?

  
SHERLOCK  
You could go a touch faster... but maintain this same amount of pressure if you could.

  
JOHN  
Happy to oblige.

  
SHERLOCK  
I am sorry that you will need to keep this up for quite some time...

  
JOHN  
It isn't a problem. Your job is to keep that big brain of yours from getting in the way.

  
Sherlock nods in response and closes his eyes, trying to focus on John's movements and the carnal pleasure it is bringing him.   
Sherlock doesn't know how much time has passed when he opens his eyes again. Sherlock's gaze falls on John's face. John is concentrating on his work, but there is more in his expression, which Sherlock attempts to deduce.

He analyzes all aspects of John's expression: Desire. Reciprocity. Intimacy. Guilt. Empathy. Caring. Friendship... no, something stronger than friendship, Sherlock decides. What is it? Sherlock ponders it. Intimacy, desire, empathy... but mixed with something else... something very deep.

  
SHERLOCK  
(whispering his deduction)  
Love.

  
John looks up at Sherlock curiously. Sherlock panics. His heart begins racing, not in a good way.

  
SHERLOCK  
(trying to cover it up)  
Erm... I love what you're doing. Do it again.

  
But John realizes something is wrong. He looks at Sherlock's penis in alarm, as Sherlock slowly loses his erection.

  
JOHN  
(sternly)  
Oh no you don't! We've worked so hard.

  
In a flash of inspiration, John takes as much of Sherlock's cock in his mouth and sucks. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(shocked)  
John!

  
John places his left hand at the base of Sherlock's penis and continues to lick the top half, as Sherlock's erection comes back to life. John prepares himself to take the head of Sherlock's prick in his mouth once again.

  
SHERLOCK  
(breath ragged)  
John, wait.

  
Sherlock takes hold of John's available hand and places it over Sherlock's heart. John feels Sherlock's racing heartbeat and looks at his face in alarm.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock! Your SVT. We have to stop--

  
SHERLOCK  
We don't have to stop. It's not triggered by physical stimuli, just emotional.

  
JOHN  
But--

  
SHERLOCK  
No, we'll continue.

  
JOHN  
I really don't think this is a good idea.

  
SHERLOCK  
If you are steady and gentle, it will settle my heart. You'll see. Only refrain from any fancy tricks, embellishments with your tongue... that sort of thing.

  
JOHN  
Lucky for you, I don't know how to do any of that yet. Only what I've picked up from you...

  
Sherlock swells with pride and pleasure in getting to witness John's midlife sexual awakening, knowing he himself is the cause of it. But Sherlock realizes it's best not to dwell on that fact for the time being, for the sake of his poor heart. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(smiling through discomfort)  
You can practice on me another time. Just not tonight, I'm afraid.

  
John sets to work, his right hand on Sherlock's heart, his left around the base of Sherlock's erection, and his mouth gently bobbing up and down on Sherlock's tip. John, in amazement, feels Sherlock's heart rate quiet down while Sherlock's erection stays rock hard. He brings his right hand back to Sherlock's groin to assist his efforts in stroking and mouthing Sherlock's cock. 

  
SHERLOCK  
John, you've worked so hard, and it will take so long. Perhaps we should give up for tonight.

  
John pops his head up, fixing Sherlock with a stern stare.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock Holmes, I will make you come tonight, if it is the last thing I ever do. I don't care how long it takes. Now, your job is to stay in the moment and not let your heart rate race away again. Do you understand me?

  
Sherlock nods. John reaches over and grabs Sherlock's hand and places it firmly on John's bum. Sherlock sighs happily. John grabs the lubricant and generously oils up both hands. With renewed determination, John returns to the task of working over Sherlock's erection with his mouth and both hands. A few moments later, John comes up for air.

  
JOHN  
You are doing very well, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock, in response, closes his eyes and moans with pleasure.

  
JOHN  
(to self, an idea clicking)  
Of course. Praise.

  
SHERLOCK  
What?

  
John gives the head of Sherlock's cock a quick, teasing lick, making Sherlock squirm.

  
JOHN  
(huskily)  
I said you are doing well, Sherlock. Very.

  
John puts his mouth around Sherlock's cock again. Sherlock cries out in response. John eagerly continues.

  
SHERLOCK  
Lighter, John! But you feel so good around me. So good.

  
JOHN  
I love having my mouth around you, Sherlock. 

  
John has his mouth back on Sherlock's prick in the next instance. Sherlock gasps in response. Sherlock's eyes close as he takes in all these sensations. It builds and builds. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(strained)  
John?

  
John looks up at the pleading in Sherlock's eyes. He reaches for the lube once again, and rewets his hands. Maintaining eye contact, he wraps his hands around Sherlock's cock and strokes it lightly, but sets a quick pace.

  
JOHN  
You've got this, Sherlock. You can do it. That's a good boy.

  
SHERLOCK  
Ah!

  
JOHN  
Look at me... yes, you can make yourself come, Sherlock.

  
John bends down to lick Sherlock's bell-end once again. With a cry, Sherlock rocks his hips upward.

  
JOHN  
That's right... so clever. Good work.

  
Sherlock thrusts his hips up again.

  
SHERLOCK  
(crying out)  
John!

  
John strokes Sherlock with a bit more pressure, as Sherlock writhes below him.

  
JOHN  
Good work... you can do it... good boy.

  
Sherlock's breath hitches. He thrusts into John's hands over and over.

  
JOHN  
(deeply)  
 _MY_ good boy. You brilliant, brilliant, man. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Ah! Ah! Ahhhh!

  
Sherlock shudders and curls as he comes hard, squirting his and John's chest repeatedly. John watches with amazement and satisfaction. Sherlock begins to whimper. 

  
JOHN  
Sh, sh, sh. Lie back, Sherlock. You're okay. You're okay. You did very well. Very well indeed.

  
Sherlock complies, trying to steady his breath, recovering. John leans over him and peppers his face and neck with small kisses.

  
JOHN  
You sexy giraffe, you.

  
Sherlock chuckles and John slows his kisses. He gathers wipes from the nightstand and swabs down Sherlock's chest and groin, as well as his own chest. Afterward, he settles his head on Sherlock's chest, listening carefully.

  
JOHN  
Your heart sounds all right.

  
SHERLOCK  
It is.

  
JOHN  
Good.

  
John rests his head on Sherlock's chest for another moment. Sherlock strokes John's hair.

  
SHERLOCK  
Thank you, John.

  
JOHN  
You are very welcome.

  
Sherlock yawns. John lifts his head and regards Sherlock's face.

  
JOHN  
You're tired after your escapades. Time for you to rest. 

John gets out of bed and gathers up the bedding. 

  
JOHN  
(quietly)  
Under the covers, now, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, John.

  
John gets Sherlock situated under the duvet. He stands over him, observing his sleepy form for a moment. It is probably for the best that Sherlock can't see the very soft look on John's face. John heads to the bathroom to wash up. Sherlock yawns again, sighs, and settles into sleep.

  
John walks out of the bathroom, naked. (They red pants are now in desperate need of a wash.) He contemplates putting on some pajamas, but decides he'll sleep naked tonight. He gets in under the covers carefully, as to not wake Sherlock. It doesn't work.

  
SHERLOCK  
John?

  
John lies down, settles in on his pillow, and closes his eyes.

  
JOHN  
Yes, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
A few questions about tonight.

  
JOHN  
(with some trepidation)  
Okay.

  
SHERLOCK  
You know it's not Monday, right?

  
JOHN  
(grinning)  
Well, actually... it's passed midnight, now. So technically it's Monday.

  
SHERLOCK  
(chuckling)  
So it is. Thank you for reinstating "Red Pants Mondays."

  
JOHN  
Happy to oblige.

  
SHERLOCK  
John?

  
JOHN  
Has anyone ever told you you are awfully chatty after sex?

Sherlock holds his tongue, but he seems ready to burst. 

JOHN  
What's the question, Sherlock?

  
SHERLOCK  
Are you going to stop wearing your lovely tight trousers now that you've successfully made me orgasm?

  
JOHN  
(with a smile)  
No, I've grown accustomed to them now.

  
SHERLOCK  
Good. Tory will be so pleased to hear.

  
JOHN  
Sorry? Who's Tory?

  
SHERLOCK  
(chiding)  
Really, John. A man should know the name of his tailor. 

  
JOHN  
(aghast)  
My tailor? Sherlock! No, you didn't.

  
SHERLOCK  
(smirking)  
Please, John. Of course I did. That distinctive charity shop aroma. I obviously visited all the secondhand stores within an easy walk or transit-ride from your office. Tory, by the way, is very charming. Kept referring to me as "the bloke." Seemed very happy to meet me.

  
JOHN  
Yes, I bet the two of you got along famously.

  
SHERLOCK  
Hmm, still don't know how you managed getting the symphony tickets without my notice, though. I had my homeless network surveying so meticulously, too...

  
JOHN  
Wait, did you have your homeless network --

  
SHERLOCK  
(interrupting, happy to show off)  
Stationed outside all twenty possible venues at the ready to take pictures of every single patron picking up tickets over a five day period? Yes, yes I did. 

  
JOHN  
All of them compensated for their time, I assume.

  
SHERLOCK  
Of course.

  
JOHN  
Jesus, you probably expended more energy and money investigating the date than I spent planning it.

  
SHERLOCK  
Money and energy well spent, John.

  
JOHN  
(yawning)  
You're incorrigible. 

  
SHERLOCK  
One more question.

  
JOHN  
Will you first tell me what triggered your SVT tonight?

  
SHERLOCK  
(taken aback)  
Er... no. I wasn't planning on it, no.

  
Sherlock clams up. John sleepily reaches a hand over to pat Sherlock on the arm with reassurance. 

  
JOHN  
Ask your question, Sherlock. But just one. It's getting quite late.

  
SHERLOCK  
The oral sex tonight...

  
JOHN  
(chuckling)  
Yes, there was some of that, wasn't there? It was definitely my turn to repay you for previous services rendered.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes. Well. I couldn't help noticing that you didn't let me ejaculate in your mouth. 

  
JOHN  
Hm. If I remember correctly, I was offering words of encouragement at the time.

  
JOHN  
Is it because of your inexperience? You always said you weren't gay.

  
JOHN  
(with furrowed brow)  
I'm tired, Sherlock...

  
SHERLOCK  
It's because of your germaphobia, then.

  
JOHN  
I'm not a germaphobe!

  
SHERLOCK  
Mmm, you are. You've avoided tasting your own semen, perhaps you also dislike the idea of tasting another man's as well.

  
JOHN  
(annoyed)  
Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
Then why, John? Please tell me.

  
JOHN  
(closing his eyes to recall the scene)  
If you must know, it's because I wanted to see you come.  
(quietly)  
I wanted to watch you come, and come, and come, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock turns his head away self-consciously. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh.

  
They both start falling asleep, exhausted from their adventurous evening. John starts giggling in his sleep. Sherlock turns his head towards John.

  
SHERLOCK  
What?

  
JOHN  
It's nothing.

  
SHERLOCK  
What is it?

  
JOHN  
It's fitting that the biggest prick I've ever known would turn out to have the biggest prick I've ever seen.

  
Sherlock chuckles. He turns to snuggle up to John.

  
SHERLOCK  
Good night, John.

  
JOHN  
Night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope Sherlock and Rosie watch "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" when Rosie is old enough.
> 
> When you are parenting a toddler, approximately 50% of all conversations revolve around potty training strategies & techniques.


	14. Cold Feet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is a bit of a tough week for the fellas at 221B Baker Street, as they contend with their deepening feelings for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter references the Arthur Conan Doyle short story "The Adventure of the Second Stain".  
> Since I am so late posting this chapter and want to get it out to you ASAP, I'll plan to come back later and fix typos later.
> 
> V.O. stands for Voice Over. I use that when you can hear the character's voices over the telephone, baby monitor, etc.

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM -SATURDAY - MORNING 

  
John returns from a jog to find the sitting room turned into a blanket fort. He can hear Rosie giggling within. John sits down cross-legged on the floor next to the entrance of the fort.

  
JOHN  
What's going on in there?

  
Sherlock's head appears with a smile. 

  
SHERLOCK  
We're having a tea party in our tent.

  
ROSIE  
(from inside tent)  
Tea party!

  
SHERLOCK  
Right you are, Rosie.

  
John smiles softly at Sherlock. Sherlock recalls he's seen this look before. 

FLASHBACK - INT. MRS. HUDSON'S KITCHEN - EVENING ("A SCANDAL IN BELGRAVIA")

Sherlock and John comfort Mrs. Hudson after she has just been attacked and tied up by American agents looking for Irene Adler's phone in 221B Baker Street. However, Mrs. Hudson proves to be cleverer than John anticipated: She has slipped the phone out of the flat without the Americans noticing.

  
SHERLOCK  
Shame on you, John Watson.

  
JOHN  
(affronted)  
Shame on me?

  
SHERLOCK  
Mrs. Hudson, leave Baker Street? England would fall!

  
Sherlock smiles and hugs Mrs. Hudson. John looks up at both of them with soft admiration.

  
BACK TO PRESENT DAY

John has the same expression on his face. Sherlock is like a deer in headlights with his head sticking out of the blanket tent. A cheery alarm sounds on Sherlock's mobile. Both men blink hard to clear their own thoughts and turn to look at the phone on the coffee table.

  
SHERLOCK  
Rosie, you know what that sound means! Time for a potty break. Come on Rosie! It won't take but a moment. Come on, then.

Rosie emerges from the tent.

  
ROSIE  
Hi Dada!

  
JOHN  
Hi Rosie. Now, off to the potty you go.

  
SHERLOCK  
Here we go Rosie!

  
Rosie and Sherlock exit through the kitchen. John watches them go, fondly.

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - SUNDAY NIGHT 

  
Sherlock works on his laptop in bed. John enters from the bathroom in pajamas and observes him curiously.

  
JOHN  
What is it, a case?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes. A diplomatic attaché has been murdered and important memos stolen from her briefcase.

  
John sits down on the bed, peering over Sherlock's shoulder at crime scene photos on the laptop.

  
JOHN  
Oh, I heard something about that, about the dead attaché. Didn't know about any stolen memos. Like real, paper memos?

  
SHERLOCK  
Exactly.

  
JOHN  
Do people send paper memos anymore?

  
SHERLOCK  
They do when they don't want an electronic paper trail. Her body was found bleeding out on an ottoman rug. But something's off. When Nazir and I checked under the rug for clues, there wasn't a second stain on the floor.  
(eyes growing big)  
I'm just realizing that now.

  
JOHN  
Second stain?

  
SHERLOCK  
(talking excitedly)  
That much blood, it should have soaked through the carpet and stained the wood floor underneath... quick, hand me my phone.

  
John grabs the phone off the nightstand and hands it to Sherlock. John sits back down on the bed next to him.   
Sherlock dashes off a text to Nazir. It reads: WE MUST CHECK ATTACHE'S ROOM TOMORROW FOR BLOOD STAINED FLOOR -SH

  
JOHN  
What does it mean? No stained floorboards, that is?

  
SHERLOCK  
It means someone moved the body, or the rug, or both. And I want to know why. What else was the attaché hiding?

  
Sherlock is back to work typing away on his computer feverishly. He happens to glance at John who is staring at him with admiration.

  
SHERLOCK  
What?

  
JOHN  
(with a smile)  
Nothing. Just impressed with my clever --

  
SHERLOCK  
Flatmate?

  
JOHN  
Boyfriend.

  
John's expression morphs to deep adoration. Sherlock freezes, lost in a memory.

FLASHBACK - INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - DAY ("THE SIGN OF THE THREE")

  
John sits at the kitchen table, looking up at Sherlock expectantly. John has just tried very hard to get across the idea that he wants Sherlock to be the best man at his wedding. Sherlock stands looking down at him flummoxed and speechless.

  
SHERLOCK  
So, in fact... you, you mean...

  
JOHN  
Yes?

  
SHERLOCK  
I'm your... best...

  
JOHN  
Man.

  
SHERLOCK  
Friend?

  
John's expression changes to surprise, sadness, and love.

  
JOHN  
Of course. Of course you are. You're my best friend.

  
BACK TO PRESENT DAY

  
John has the same expression on his face. 

  
JOHN  
(quietly)  
My bloody brilliant boyfriend.

  
Sherlock stands up and paces the room with agitation. John doesn't know what to make of this.

  
JOHN  
You okay, Sherlock?

  
SHERLOCK  
Huh? Oh, yeah. Of course. It's... It's the case.

  
Sherlock still paces and can't meet John's gaze.

  
JOHN  
(worried)  
Sherlock...

  
SHERLOCK  
Look. Gotta go. The case... lots to think about... may need a patch...

  
Sherlock grabs his phone and laptop and hustles to the door.

  
JOHN  
(calling after with concern)  
Sherlock?

But Sherlock is long gone.

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - LATER SAME NIGHT (SUNDAY)

  
John wakes up and realizes Sherlock isn't beside him. Fretting, he gets up to investigate. 

  
INT. SITTING ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATE

  
John finds Sherlock on the couch, sleeping with his phone dangling out of his hand. John carefully pulls the phone from Sherlock's hand and places it gently on the coffee table. He finds a throw blanket to cover Sherlock. He stands over Sherlock with a look of sorrow and worry on his face.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - MONDAY EVENING

  
Sherlock lounges in his chair reading a book with his feet propped up on a laundry basket. John enters the room, puts his hands on his hips, and stares at Sherlock. Sherlock doesn't notice. John gives up, sits down on his own chair, and gently pulls the laundry basket from under Sherlock. Sherlock looks up, a bit dazed.

  
JOHN  
Pardon me. Care to help?

  
Sherlock puts the book down for a moment and cocks his head at John, perplexed by the inquiry. John sighs with annoyance, and starts folding laundry. Sherlock returns to reading. John mulls something over as he carefully folds a shirt.

  
JOHN  
You know, it would be handy if I had a drawer in your dresser for some of my things... pajamas and the like.

  
Sherlock puts his book down again, giving John the same perplexed look as before.

  
SHERLOCK  
Sorry?

  
JOHN  
A drawer. In your room. For my things. 

When Sherlock only response is more staring, John elaborates.

  
JOHN  
Since I'll be sleeping in your room now, it will be handy for me to have some space for my stuff, too.

  
Sherlock's eyes grow wide in alarm. It is apparent that this hasn't crossed his mind.

  
SHERLOCK  
(clearing his throat)  
Right. Yes, well... excuse me.

  
Sherlock stands up quickly. He walks to the front door.

  
JOHN  
What's happening?

  
SHERLOCK  
Going out for a moment, won't be long.

  
JOHN  
Wha...? Where are you going exactly?

  
SHERLOCK  
Er... out? I mean... down?  
(laughing nervously)  
Definitely not stepping out for a smoke or anything.   
(to self)  
I must have patches in the lab, right?

  
JOHN  
Sherlock!

  
SHERLOCK  
Bye!

  
Sherlock closes the door and scampers down the stairs while John watches him go, gob-smacked. 

  
INT. KITCHEN - LATER SAME NIGHT

  
John enters in pajamas, looking like he's just woken up. He doesn't find Sherlock in the kitchen so he peeks his head in the sitting room.

  
INT. SITTING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

  
JOHN  
(quietly)  
Sherlock?

  
He spies a body lying on the floor in the middle of the sitting room and hurries over. It's Sherlock sprawled out on the floor, with the Union Jack cushion under his head and the tartan throw from John's chair being used as a blanket. John bends down swiftly to check Sherlock's pulse and breathing, but Sherlock saves him the trouble by snoring loudly. John stands up again, relieved that Sherlock is only sleeping, but rubs his face and glances away in exasperation.

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - WEDNESDAY NIGHT

  
John, all set for bed, gets in and pulls up the duvet. Sherlock breezes in, also looking ready for bed.

SHERLOCK  
Oh, hello there.

  
John looks up, beaming a radiant smile. Sherlock stops short in the middle of the room, tilts his head, and fixes John with a look of desire, longing, and affection. "Bedroom eyes", if you will.  
John looks away bashfully. Sherlock, suddenly stunned, takes a step back. He puts a hand to his chest as his heart begins to race.

FLASHBACK - INT. BANQUET HALL - WATSON WEDDING RECEPTION - NIGHT ("THE SIGN OF THE THREE")

  
In the middle of the dance floor, Sherlock has deduced that Mary is pregnant. The Watsons are understandably flabbergasted and panicking.

  
SHERLOCK  
Well, you're hardly going to need me around anymore now that you've got a real baby on the way.

  
There is a look of joy on everyone's faces, especially John with his radiant smile. Then Sherlock's face falls into a bittersweet expression as he realizes he finally must let his dear John go.   
John looks up and then glances away bashfully, only to gaze up at his friend once more with his own bittersweet expression. 

  
BACK TO PRESENT DAY

  
John is at Sherlock's side.

JOHN  
Ut-oh Sherlock. What happened? Your heart? Let me...

  
John attempts to put his ear to Sherlock's chest but Sherlock puts up his hands to block him.

  
SHERLOCK  
No John, I'm fine. Erm. I have some work to do downstairs in the lab. Gotta dash.

  
Sherlock turns to go, but John stands in the way of Sherlock exiting the room.

  
JOHN  
Bullshit.

  
SHERLOCK  
Sorry?

  
JOHN  
That's utter bullshit.

  
SHERLOCK  
It certainly is not. Big, big case. Lots to do.

  
JOHN  
(getting loud)  
Bullshit! You are sneaking out. Just like last night, and the night before, and the night before that. All week you've been fine one minute, and the next minute you flip out and go running off!

  
SHERLOCK  
(steadily)  
John, watch your voice level. You'll wake Rosie.

  
JOHN  
And don't think I haven't noticed the nicotine patches, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
What?

  
John grabs Sherlock's sleeve and pushes it up roughly, exposing a nicotine patch. Sherlock looks guilty.

  
JOHN  
These! See? What happened, Sherlock? You haven't needed to use them for, what, two months? Why now all of a sudden?

  
SHERLOCK  
They clear my thinking.

  
John, still holding Sherlock's arm, takes his pulse briefly. He's not happy with the results.

  
JOHN  
(tutting)  
And they're bloody awful for your SVT, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
They calm me down.

  
John drops Sherlock's arm. 

  
JOHN  
Right. I get it. You're agitated. With me.

  
John steps away to grab his phone and a pillow. 

  
SHERLOCK  
John, please.

  
JOHN  
I'll go sleep upstairs. You don't want me here. You asked me to move in to your bedroom, but you clearly don't want me here.

SHERLOCK  
(sincerely)  
Please don't go.

  
John's anger builds. He comes to stand right in front of Sherlock again.

  
JOHN  
No, you've changed your mind about asking me to move into your bedroom. Don't deny it!

  
Sherlock looks away sadly.

  
JOHN  
Exactly what I thought. You've changed your mind about me sleeping here. What else have you changed your mind about, Sherlock?  
(yelling)  
You've avoided me for days... won't even touch me!

  
Sherlock can't meet John's eyes.

  
SHERLOCK  
Mind your volume, John.

  
JOHN  
It's because of the sex, isn't it?

  
SHERLOCK  
No, it isn't.

  
John's not listening. He begins to pace.

  
JOHN  
You are having second thoughts about where our sex life is taking us... It was never my intention to push you into anything you don't want to do. We're moving too fast, is that it?

  
SHERLOCK  
(in terse, measured tones)  
It's not the sex.

  
JOHN  
(shouting)  
Then what the bloody hell is it!!

  
Sherlock winces and closes his eyes, in preparation of the inevitable. John stops pacing, realizing something is wrong, but doesn't know what.   
Then they hear Rosie start crying over the baby monitor. John slumps in defeat.

  
JOHN  
(under his breath)  
Damn it.

  
SHERLOCK  
I'll go settle Rosie.

  
John squeezes his eyes shut tightly, trying to diffuse his anger.

  
JOHN  
No, I'll go.

  
SHERLOCK  
I'll go. That gives you a moment to regain your composure and --

  
John flashes his eyes angrily at Sherlock. Rosie is wailing like mad, now. 

  
JOHN  
No. I'm going. 

  
John walks over to snap the baby monitor off and exits in a hurry. Sherlock paces, anxious, as he listens for John's heavy tread on the stairs. He walks over and switches the baby monitor back on and sits on the corner of the bed. Rosie's wails fill the room again.

  
JOHN (V.O.)  
It's okay Rosie... everything's okay... go back to sleep darling.

  
ROSIE (V.O.)  
No Dada! Sherk!

  
JOHN (V.O.)  
(sighing)  
He's not available. He's sleeping, just like you should be. Time to settle down and sleep Rosie.

  
ROSIE (V.O.)  
No! Want Sherk! Sherk!!

  
JOHN (V.O.)  
Jesus, Rosie.

  
ROSIE (V.O.)  
(emphatically)  
Sherk!

JOHN  
Fine!

  
Rosie cries harder. Sherlock hears the door shut upstairs. He stands up and turns off the baby monitor and paces slowly as he waits for John to appear.   
John sticks his head in the bedroom door.

  
JOHN  
Sorry, she's asking for you. Would you mind...?

  
SHERLOCK  
Not at all.

  
JOHN  
Thank you.

  
John steps into the room to let Sherlock pass by. Sherlock departs quickly, with a brief glance at John, but John's eyes are downcast.  
John paces the bedroom, trying to listen to what's going on upstairs. He finally turns the baby monitor on and sits on the edge of the bed in contemplation.

  
SHERLOCK (V.O.)  
Hello Rosie.

  
Rosie still cries.

  
SHERLOCK (V.O.)  
(calmly)  
We need to get you back to sleep. What seems to be the problem? You seem to have lost your bee. Where did it go? Let's look... Oh, here it is.

  
ROSIE (V.O.)  
Bee!

Rosie still whimpers.

  
SHERLOCK (V.O.)  
Now, what shall we discuss to get you back to sleep, hmm? Do you want to hear about all the bees in the subfamily Apinae?

  
ROSIE (V.O.)  
No bees!

  
SHERLOCK (V.O.)  
All right then. No bees. Erm... nations of the world?

  
ROSIE (V.O.)  
No!

  
SHERLOCK (V.O.)  
Periodic table of elements?

  
ROSIE (V.O.)  
No!

  
SHERLOCK (V.O)  
Er... bones of the human body?

  
There's a pause, John leans in closer to hear. 

  
ROSIE (V.O)  
Bones.

  
SHERLOCK (V.O.)  
Right. Bones. Let's start with the arm. This one up here is the humerus.

  
Rosie is no longer crying. John looks up at the ceiling and exhales in relief.

  
SHERLOCK (V.O.)  
Then the radius, and the ulna. Can you say ulna?

  
ROSIE (V.O.)  
Ulna.

  
John smiles.

  
SHERLOCK (V.O.)  
Good job, Rosie! Now we have the carpal and metacarpal bones, and then the phalanges. Here's some phalanges, and here some phalanges... 

  
Rosie giggles.

  
SHERLOCK (V.O.)  
And here's more phalanges...

  
John stands up, walks over, and turns off the baby monitor. With a sad smile, he leaves the room. 

  
INT. SITTING ROOM - NIGHT - AN HOUR LATER 

  
Sherlock creeps down the stairs quietly. He opens the front door carefully and finds John sleeping on the sofa. The blanket has slipped off of John. Sherlock replaces it.

  
SHERLOCK  
(whispering)  
You left this upstairs.

  
Sherlock sadly takes John's phone out of his pocket and places it gently on the coffee table. Sherlock watches John sleep another moment, considering things before heading to his own bedroom. 

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - THURSDAY - MORNING

  
Rosie is eating breakfast while John hustles to get the rest of the things in order for school and work.

  
ROSIE  
(looks around, curious)  
Sherk?

  
John freezes in his work. He turns to Rosie and tries to smile.

  
JOHN  
I think he's still sleeping, dear.

  
ROSIE  
Shhh, sleeping.

  
JOHN  
(stage whisper)  
That's right. Shhh. Finish your breakfast Rosie. We have to go soon.

  
John smiles at Rosie as she eats, and then glances anxiously towards the back hallway. But no Sherlock magically appears.

  
INT. MEDICAL FACILITY - JOHN'S OFFICE - THURSDAY - DAY

  
John eats lunch at his desk. He checks his phone messages and frowns when he sees he has none. He blows out a breath nervously, and sends Sherlock a text.  
It reads: I'M JUST CHECKING IN

  
John puts his phone down and returns to eating his sandwich. The mobile buzzes and he grabs it eagerly.  
Sherlock's text reads: STUCK ON A CASE W/NAZIR. CAN'T TALK. VERY STUCK.

  
JOHN  
(while typing)  
Likely story.

  
He sets down his phone with disappointment. John gets another text alert. It is from Nazir this time.  
It reads: HI JOHN. THIS IS AJ. YEP STICKY CASE OVER HERE IN ENFIELD. MARMALADE EVERYWHERE. 

  
JOHN  
(snickering)  
Marmalade. Right.

  
A text from Sherlock pops on his screen. It reads: SATISFIED?

  
JOHN  
(while typing)  
Not buying it, you stole her phone.

  
He receives another text from Nazir, reading: FYI HOLMES HAS CALLED ME JOHN 5 TIMES TODAY. A RECORD. THINK HE FANCIES YOU, MATE.  
John snickers to himself with delight as yet another text comes in. 

  
JOHN  
(reading it aloud)  
"Nazir is a big snitch!"

  
John lets out a laugh.  
Nazir texts again, it reads: HOPE TO HAVE HIM HOME TO YOU LATER TONIGHT.

  
JOHN  
Ut-oh, what about Rosie?  
(pausing to read a new text)  
Oh! You've already talked to Audrey about picking her up. Well done.

  
John types out another text. 

  
JOHN  
(while typing)  
"Okay. Sounds good." Send.

  
One final text from Sherlock arrives. It reads: SEE YOU TONIGHT JOHN -SH

John's face softens at the thought. John texts back: SEE YOU

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - LATER THURSDAY NIGHT

  
John is asleep in his chair. He wakes up with a start and checks his watch. He gets up laboriously and walks to the kitchen archway.

  
JOHN  
(calling)  
Sherlock?

  
When he doesn't get a response, he walks over to open the door to the landing and calls down the steps.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock?

  
John closes the door and walks towards the middle of the sitting room. He pulls out his mobile and sends a text. It reads: RU HOME?  
He waits briefly for a response. It doesn't come. With disappointment and concern, he turns off the lights in the sitting room and heads to the upstairs bedroom. 

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - KITCHEN - FRIDAY

  
John and Rosie walk into the kitchen. Rosie is singing loudly. 

  
JOHN  
Aren't you chipper this morning! Let's get you breakfast.

  
Rosie continues singing as she climbs into her chair. John gets out breakfast items for then.

  
JOHN  
A little quieter, Rosie. You are bound to wake up Sherlock with your musical stylings.

  
ROSIE  
Sherk?

  
Rosie looks expectantly towards the back hallway.

  
JOHN  
I know, you haven't seen him in a couple of days, huh? Neither have I. I don't even know if he came home last night.

  
John gives a worried look towards Rosie. Rosie sighs dramatically. John walks over and swoops up Rosie.

  
JOHN  
Let's go investigate. We'll be detectives... how about that? But you have to be quiet.

  
ROSIE  
Shhh...

  
JOHN  
Yeah, that's the ticket, shhh.

  
INT. BACK HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

  
John carries Rosie quietly down the hallway. 

  
ROSIE  
Shh...

  
JOHN  
Okay, let's look in.

  
John quietly opens Sherlock's bedroom door. John and Rosie peek in. They see Sherlock sleeping heavily in bed. John looks relieved.  
John closes the door quietly. 

  
JOHN  
Good detective work, Rosie. Now, back to breakfast.

He sests her down and she scampers back to the kitchen.

  
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

  
With Rosie eating, John writes a note on a post-it and puts it on the kettle. It reads:

Sherlock-  
Remember I have clinic rotation this evening. Pls pick up Rosie. Bring an umbrella, looks like rain. - John.

  
INT. MEDICAL FACILITY - JOHN'S OFFICE - FRIDAY - AFTERNOON

  
John sits at his desk and checks his mobile. There's a text from Sherlock. It reads: COLLECTING ROSIE AT REGULAR TIME -SH  
John looks out the window at the nasty weather. He quickly types back: BRING UMBRELLA!

  
Vivienne appears at the door and raps on the door frame. John looks up at her expectantly.

  
VIVIENNE  
Another cancellation for this afternoon, Dr. Watson. You'll be done by 4:30.

  
JOHN  
4:30? Clinic goes until seven!

  
VIVIENNE  
Well, it always happens when the weather gets particularly nasty like this. People decide they can put off their nagging little health problems until the skies clear. You know how it goes.

  
JOHN  
We're bound to get some walk-ins though, right?

  
Vivienne shrugs.

  
VIVIENNE  
Not likely. Too blustery. And if we do, Dr. Koo will take them.

  
JOHN  
Doesn't she have a whole roster of pediatric patients?

  
VIVIENNE  
Nope. So, she can take on any walk-ins. She has to be here, clinic regulations require a peds specialist to staff the clinic hours. But you, my friend, are superfluous.

  
JOHN  
(chortling)  
Superfluous.

  
VIVIENNE  
(wry smile)  
Don't take it personally.

  
JOHN  
I'll just stay and catch up on my charts and reports then. 

  
Vivienne shakes her head in admonishment.

  
VIVIENNE  
Go home, Dr. Watson. Spend time with your family.

  
John looks away self-consciously. It registers that she didn't merely say "go spend time with your daughter"... she said "family".

  
JOHN  
I'll stay until five or so. See if you happen to need me then.

  
VIVIENNE  
Suit yourself.

  
Vivienne leaves and John looks out the window thoughtfully.

  
EXT. ROSIE'S NURSERY SCHOOL - THURSDAY EVENING

  
Sherlock, bareheaded and without an umbrella, quickly pushes Rosie in her stroller down the sidewalk in a heavy rain. John comes running up.

  
JOHN  
Sherlock! Wait!

  
Sherlock turns around, surprised. John places himself in front of Sherlock and pulls up Sherlock's coat collar for him. John tries in vain to brush the water off Sherlock's hair.

  
JOHN  
Where is your umbrella? Look at you! You are all wet! Really, Sherlock... didn't you get my note?

  
Sherlock smiles fondly at John. Being fussed over and scolded by John is one of the most exquisite pleasures of Sherlock's life.

  
SHERLOCK  
I gave my umbrella to Rosie.

  
John leans over to look at the stroller. Sherlock's umbrella is completely covering Rosie. John moves the umbrella to the side and peeks in. Rosie giggles.

  
ROSIE  
Hi Dada!

  
JOHN  
Hi Rosie. Staying dry in there? Do be careful with Sherlock's umbrella, Rosie. I remember how you destroyed the last one.

  
John goes searching in the bottom basket of the stroller.

  
JOHN  
But where did the stroller's rain cover go? It isn't here. Oh, damn it! I took it out to let it dry in the foyer and forgot to repack it.

  
John straightens up.

  
JOHN  
So sorry about that. I apologize Sherlock. Here, share my umbrella.

  
John raises the umbrella to cover both their heads. Sherlock gazes down softly at John. John glances away shyly.

  
JOHN  
Erm. I suppose I have a lot to apologize for. Losing my temper the other night...

  
There's a giggle from the stroller and a boot goes flying.

  
JOHN  
Hey, keep your wellies on Rosie!

  
John rushes over to put the boot back on Rosie. Then he comes to join Sherlock's side again.

  
JOHN  
We need to start walking before Rosie mutinies. Here, let's switch.

  
Sherlock takes the umbrella from John and holds it over both their heads. John grasps the stroller handles and they begin walking.

  
SHERLOCK  
I've missed you.

  
JOHN  
(bemused, but also amused)  
That's not how it works, Sherlock. You don't get to be M.I.A. for days on end and then come back and say you miss me. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Even so, I've missed you.

  
JOHN  
(sighing)  
I've missed you, too. 

  
They walk a moment in silence.

  
JOHN  
I meant what I said. I apologize for blowing up at you in your bedroom the other night. I know I've been pushing you too much. Particularly with the physical stuff, the sex stuff. I'm sorry.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's not the sex, John. I really liked the sex bit. I may not always be able to keep up, but I like it.  
(quietly)  
I suspect deep down you know that’s not the issue here.

John stays silent. He studies Sherlock's face from the corner of his eye as they cross an intersection and continue down the sidewalk.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's the development of other parts of our relationship that I find myself struggling with.  
(pause)  
The emotional component... the romantic aspects of it, you could say. Perhaps causing me a bit of anxiety and prompting me to run off. 

  
JOHN  
Oh.

  
SHERLOCK  
It is not a very mature way to deal with my emotions, I admit. Albeit, dealing with my emotions has never been my forte.

  
JOHN  
(adding some levity)  
Well, it's not my forte either, as some people are wont to remind me.

  
SHERLOCK  
We are a bit of a mess, us two, aren't we?

  
John laughs. Sherlock chuckles, too, and then turns serious.

  
SHERLOCK  
I am sorry I've been avoiding you the last few days. It was unintentionally hurtful.

  
JOHN  
Rosie missed you, too.

  
Sherlock looks grieve to hear this.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, that was very bad form of me, wasn't it? Young children thrive in a stable home environment, and I've certainly failed to provide that this week.  
(pause)  
I'll endeavor to do better.

  
JOHN  
Okay, don't get yourself too worked up over Rosie. She seems plenty well-adjusted. The adults of the household on the other hand...

  
John furrows his brow. Sherlocks notices.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes?

  
JOHN  
Perhaps we need to take a step back, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock looks startled.

  
JOHN  
A tiny step back, is all. Not spending every night together would be a good start. Would take some of the pressure off, don't you think?

  
SHERLOCK  
(with misgivings)  
Yes, I suppose you are right.

  
JOHN  
It's just one small step. But if you feel we should take even more steps --

  
SHERLOCK  
(abruptly, formally)  
No, no. That won't be necessary. Thank you, John.

  
John grins and licks his lips.

  
JOHN  
Okay then. Well done... you know... discussing the relationship, Sherlock. I'm very proud of you for speaking up. 

  
Sherlock looks away demurely. 

  
SHERLOCK  
What would you say to some takeaway curry for dinner tonight?

  
JOHN  
Seems like the perfect choice for this sort of weather. 

  
SHERLOCK  
And Mrs. Hudson does lover her Chicken Tikka Masala.

  
JOHN  
And Rosie loves the naan.

  
ROSIE  
(from in the stroller)  
Naan!

  
MONTAGE - FAMILY EVENING AT HOME

  
\- Mrs. Hudson opens the door of 221 Baker Street to help John, Sherlock, and Rosie out of the rain.

  
\- The group of four eat and chat around the kitchen table in 221B. Takeaway containers are staggered across the tabletop.

  
-Mrs. Hudson sits in John's chair with Rosie on her lap. She reads Rosie a picture book. Sherlock and John cuddle a little on the couch as Mrs. Hudson reads.

  
END MONTAGE

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - FRIDAY NIGHT

  
Sherlock reads on his phone in his chair. He hears the stairs creak as John descends from the upstairs bedroom. Sherlock looks up as John enters the room. 

JOHN  
She went to sleep almost instantly. Mrs. Hudson certainly has a knack for wearing her out.

SHERLOCK  
Yes, Mrs. H seems to have that effect on everyone.

John grins at this.

  
JOHN  
(striving for a neutral tone)  
I'll, erm, just go collect my pajamas from your bedroom. There's a book in there I've been meaning to retrieve, too.  
(pause)  
Then I'll head to bed. Upstairs.

  
Sherlock leans forward on his chair, elbows on knees, contemplating John.

  
SHERLOCK  
Would you like to spend the night in my room tonight, John?

  
JOHN  
(with shoulder sagging)  
Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a step back?

  
SHERLOCK  
No, the agreement was that we shouldn't spend EVERY night together. By my calculations it has, in fact, been several nights since we've slept in the same bed.

  
JOHN  
Would you really, honestly, like that, Sherlock? For me to spend the night tonight?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes. But that doesn't answer the question I originally posed to you: Would YOU like to spend the night in my room tonight, John?

  
John ponders it for a short while.

  
JOHN  
Yes. Yes, I would. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Excellent. You go ahead. I'll join you in a few.

  
JOHN  
Okay, but no sneaking off this time.

  
SHERLOCK  
(with a small smile)  
No, not this time.

  
John leaves through the kitchen and Sherlock returns to his phone.

  
INT. SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - 30 MINUTES LATER

  
John reads in bed. Sherlock sweeps into the room and takes off his suit jacket, hanging it on a hanger behind the door. He begins to undo his cufflinks, but John quickly jumps out of the bed and stands in front of Sherlock.

  
JOHN  
Here. Let me help you.

  
Sherlock grows still as John removes the cufflinks and opens the cuffs.

  
JOHN  
It has recently come to my attention that you like this.

  
SHERLOCK  
Like what?

  
John begins to unbutton Sherlock's shirt from the top.

  
JOHN  
This. Being tended to.

  
SHERLOCK  
And when did you make this brilliant deduction?

  
John continues undoing the shirt buttons.

  
JOHN  
This evening... you in the rain.

  
SHERLOCK  
Ah. I see that you have become rather cocky living with a detective.

  
JOHN  
Well, he's a very cocky detective.  
(glancing to Sherlock's crotch)  
Quite cocky, actually.

  
Sherlock becomes a little flustered.

  
SHERLOCK  
It helps that you are naturally inclined to care for others. And although I'm not one to enjoy being fussed over...

John has reached the final bottom button of Sherlock's shirt.

  
SHERLOCK  
(huskily)  
I don't mind it as much coming from you.

  
Sherlock leans down to kiss John, but John has moved away, circling to Sherlock's back. Sherlock hangs his head in frustration. 

  
JOHN  
I wonder why that is?

  
John helps Sherlock shuck off his shirt. John walks over to drop it in the laundry bin and pulls open one of the dresser drawers. He selects a dusky purple t-shirt. Sherlock watches John closely over his shoulder.

  
JOHN  
You always look nice in this one. Here, put it on.

  
Sherlock turns and faces John, attempting to strike a sexy pose.

  
SHERLOCK  
(seductively)  
Must I?

  
JOHN  
(matter-of-factly)  
Well, you're bound to get cold if you don't.

  
John hands Sherlock the shirt. Sherlock, frowning, swipes it out of his hands and puts it on in a huff. John returns to the dresser.

  
JOHN  
Now for some pajama bottoms...

  
In the short time it takes John to select a pair, Sherlock has stripped off his own suit trousers, kicking them into the corner.

  
JOHN  
(annoyed)  
Hey! I was supposed to do that part!

  
SHERLOCK  
I got bored.

  
Sherlock snatches the pajama bottoms out of John's hands and tosses them in the corner as well. He grasps John's wrists and pulls him closer.

  
JOHN  
Impatient. I think the word you were looking for is "impatient."

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, very much so.

  
Sherlock kisses John soft and long. He pulls John closer to him. Hands start finding their way up shirts and down pants. The kissing continues.

  
SHERLOCK  
John, your erection is a bit... intrusive.

  
JOHN  
As is yours.

  
There is more kissing and fondling.

  
SHERLOCK  
I hear make-up sex can be quite something.

  
JOHN  
(breathy)  
Oh yeah. You are going to absolutely love it, Sherlock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE: Chapter 15 will be posted mid-October. Apologies for the delay. As always, thank you for reading!


	15. Seeking Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock seeks out advice on his love life. Everyone has their own take on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild angst. Apparently, people have a lot to say on the subject of love... it's a long chapter. Smutless.

INT. BARTS LAB – MONDAY - AFTERNOON

Sherlock idly flips through files sitting on the counter. The door opens and Molly walks in. He smiles at her with genuine affection.

  
MOLLY  
Oh, hi Sherlock! Fancy seeing you here. On another one of your shopping sprees today?

  
SHERLOCK  
Hello Molly. No, not as such. Is this an okay time? Just returned from lunch with Nazir?

  
MOLLY  
How do you know that? Did she tell you?

  
SHERLOCK  
(deducing quickly)  
On the contrary, she tells me nothing. And even though Nazir holds her cards close to her chest, she is distinctly more chipper on the days she has lunch with you. I've narrowed it down to a standing lunch date on Mondays and Thursdays, although I suspect you are considering adding a third day soon.  
(tilting head to study Molly)  
It is still just lunch at this point, isn't it?

Molly is flushed with embarrassment.

MOLLY  
(stammering)  
Yeah, just lunch. AJ’s been asking me out for after-work drinkies, but I haven't taken her up on that offer yet.

  
Sherlock again flips through the files.

  
SHERLOCK  
Want some advice on these?

  
MOLLY  
Yeah, sure.

  
He eagerly picks up the top file.

  
SHERLOCK  
By the way, Nazir's very nice, Molly. You're kind of nice. And it was the steroids that put the kibosh on Mr. Lee here.

  
Molly takes the case file back from Sherlock with surprise.

  
MOLLY  
The steroids?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, for his arthritis, and the injection sites look particularly inflamed. I suspect it wasn't the steroids themselves, but rather someone tampering with them.

  
MOLLY  
Oh my! I will look into that. But...   
(giving him a questioning look)  
I have a feeling you didn't come here today to tease me about Nazir or help solve a case.

SHERLOCK  
(happily)  
I know! Both of those were mere serendipity!

MOLLY  
So...

SHERLOCK  
(growing serious)  
I came for advice. Advice on love.

  
MOLLY  
Oh! Okay...

  
SHERLOCK  
I'll come right to the point. John Watson is in love with me but I don't reciprocate.  
(furrowing brow)  
At least I don't think I reciprocate.

  
Molly is too stunned to speak for a moment.

  
SHERLOCK  
Molly?

  
MOLLY  
Erm... did John... did he actually say "I love you"?

  
SHERLOCK  
No, he did not. I deduced it.

  
MOLLY  
(rolling eyes)  
Sherlock, how can you possibly know that he loves you, then?

  
SHERLOCK  
Certain actions, specific gestures... tell-tale facial expressions... I know when someone is in love with me. It's not that hard to tell --

  
Sherlock cuts himself off and looks away, embarrassed. Molly's face darkens.

MOLLY  
Oh, I see. You come to me because I happen to be an expert on unrequited love. That's actually quite cruel, even for you, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock swallows his pride and faces her.

  
SHERLOCK  
No, that's not why... I apologize, Molly. Let me start again.

  
Molly won't meet his eye.

  
SHERLOCK  
Molly Hooper, I come to you for advice because you know me so well. And I have the utmost respect for your opinions and very good judgment, particularly in these sorts of matters.

  
Molly finally looks up at him.

  
SHERLOCK  
You know my feelings better than I do sometimes... at all times, actually. And I don't know my own feelings in this instance, at all.

  
MOLLY   
(relenting)  
Sherlock. Okay. Then promise you'll listen to me, please. Actually listen.

  
SHERLOCK  
I will.

  
MOLLY   
(inhaling deeply)  
You are rushing things. It can take a long time for a person to know how they feel about someone, especially when it comes to love.

SHERLOCK  
(sulking)  
But John certainly seems like he has it all figured out for himself already.

MOLLY  
I hardly think that's the case. He's yet to proclaim his love aloud... you said so yourself. 

SHERLOCK  
Saying it aloud isn't necessary.

MOLLY  
I beg to differ on that one, Sherlock. It can make a world of difference.

SHERLOCK  
Well fine. It’s true he's yet to verbalize it... but...  
(sigh)  
I dislike this imbalance in the relationship SO much. We can't go about with him potentially in love with me and me not reciprocating.

MOLLY  
Unfortunately, that might have to be the case for a while, as you sort your feelings out. It could be a long while, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
(exasperated)  
Augh! No, Molly. This is unacceptable.

MOLLY  
Sherlock, you need to give it some time... some time to fall in love or figure out if you’re already in love, perhaps. The relationship is not very old, after all. Maybe only a month or so...

SHERLOCK  
Two solid months, Molly.

MOLLY  
See? It's still in its infancy. Give it time.

  
Sherlock sighs dramatically. He paces in agitation and thought.

SHERLOCK  
How much time, Molly? Give me a concrete figure, please.

  
MOLLY  
I don't know... say, one year?

  
SHERLOCK  
A year from right now or a year from the start of the relationship?

  
MOLLY  
Does it matter?

  
SHERLOCK  
It does! Can't go about cheating myself out of two months or giving myself two additional months by mistake. This requires precision, Molly!

  
MOLLY  
(sighing)  
All right, all right. A year from the start of the relationship, Sherlock. But you are being ridiculous setting a deadline --

  
SHERLOCK  
Thank you, Molly. I am well aware of my ridiculousness.  
(musing)  
One year.

  
MOLLY  
One year.

  
Sherlock stops short and stares at her in alarm, deeply concerned.

  
SHERLOCK  
What if I discover I don't love John back when the year is up?

  
Molly’s expression softens.

  
MOLLY  
Oh, Sherlock...

  
SHERLOCK  
What, Molly, what? What then?

  
MOLLY  
Then you and John make a decision whether to break up and go your separate ways, or if you decide to give the relationship more time.

  
Sherlock looks stunned by this new information. He paces harder with his eyes wide and fingers pressed to his lips in thought.

  
SHERLOCK  
Break up?! More time?! Neither option is what I would call desirable.

  
MOLLY  
It might not even come to that, Sherlock. A year is a long time. Why not give it a go?

  
Sherlock suddenly stops and turns to Molly.

SHERLOCK  
Of course. Thank you, Molly. As always, you are wonderful.

  
MOLLY  
Well... I...

  
Sherlock strides to the door.

  
SHERLOCK  
Good bye. Do see about Mr. Lee's poisoning. Give my best to Nazir.  
(mumbling as he leaves)  
One year.

  
MOLLY  
Okay, bye.

  
Molly picks up the files.

  
MOLLY  
(to self)  
One year, Sherlock. A year to figure out that you've been in love with John Watson since your first meeting here in this very lab. I know. I was there. I never stood a chance, did I?

  
She sets down the files. She looks up at the ceiling in thought for a moment. She takes out her phone and dials. Someone picks up at the other end.

  
MOLLY  
Hi AJ. It's me. Yeah... Lunch was good, wasn't it? I thought so too... Uh-huh... So, AJ, I was wondering...  
(snorts nervously)  
Would you still like to go out for drinks after work one day this week?

  
There is an enthusiastic response on the other end of the line and Molly briefly pulls the phone away from her ear and smiles.

  
MOLLY  
Uh-huh. What's your schedule like this week? Oh, okay... yes, Tuesday works. 8pm. Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Bye, AJ.

  
Molly sets down her phone with a smile. 

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - WEDNESDAY - MORNING

  
Sherlock sits in his chair in his housecoat carefully observing the kitchen like a panther waiting for his prey to appear. John and Rosie are in the kitchen bustling about doing their morning routine.

  
JOHN  
(from kitchen)  
Finish up breakfast, Rosie. We have to leave.

  
SHERLOCK  
(calling out)  
John.

  
John skids into view at the archway and pokes his head in the sitting room, with a confused smile.

  
JOHN  
Oh! You're up already! How did you...? How long have you been sitting there?

  
SHERLOCK  
(firmly)  
John. Last night, you fell asleep reading stories to Rosie upstairs.

  
JOHN  
(looking amused)  
Yes... that's a true statement.

  
SHERLOCK  
(slaps the arm of his chair)  
You were supposed to spend the evening with me.

  
JOHN  
(rolling eyes, lowering voice)  
I happened to be exhausted from our bedroom escapades the last few nights, okay?

  
SHERLOCK  
And that's my fault? Can you really blame me for Monday night, John? Red pants!

  
JOHN  
(tersely)  
Shut up, Sherlock!

  
Rosie giggles from the kitchen.

  
ROSIE (O.S.)  
Red pants!

  
Rosie begins to sing a toddler song entirely composed of the words "red pants."

  
JOHN  
(annoyed)  
Too late. Now, if you excuse me, I need to get a little mynah bird to school.

  
He turns to go.

  
SHERLOCK  
(grumpily)  
Well, that’s hardly satisfactory to my needs.

  
John turns back.

  
JOHN  
Is it time to schedule another date night, Sherlock? Hmm? Spend some quality time together? I believe it's your turn to pick the venue.

  
SHERLOCK  
(less grumpily)  
Yes, I suppose it is.

  
JOHN  
There you are! Now, I really must be going. I am sorry about last night. It's sweet you care so much.

  
SHERLOCK  
Bah!

  
ROSIE (O.S.)  
Baaaah!

  
John smiles at him again before disappearing into the kitchen. Sherlock watches as they collect their things and prepare to leave. John and Rosie appear in the archway again.

  
JOHN  
Say bye to Sherlock.

  
ROSIE  
Bye!

  
SHERLOCK  
Bye Rosie darling. Bye John.

  
JOHN  
Be good, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock plasters a smile on his face as they leave the flat. As soon as the door shuts, he drops his smile and stalks to the window to watch Rosie and John head down the pavement. Then he flounces back on his chair with a loud groan.

  
SHERLOCK  
Mrs. Hudson! You may bring me my tea!  
(sarcastically)  
Whenever you like, no rush!

  
MRS HUDSON (O.S.)  
I'll bring it when I'm good and ready!

  
SHERLOCK  
(muttering)  
Oh, of course you will. This day has been bloody fantastic so far.

  
There is a tremendous crash from Mrs. Hudson's flat. Sherlock jumps to his feet in alarm.

  
SHERLOCK  
Mrs. Hudson?!

  
When there's no immediate response, he barrels out the door and down the steps.

  
INT. 221 BAKER STREET - MRS. HUDSON'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

  
Mrs. Hudson sits on a stool crying into a handkerchief. The tea service is all over the ground, liquid and ceramic everywhere. Sherlock rushes into the room and stops short to take stock of the scene before hurrying to Mrs. Hudson's side. He checks her arms and looks her over for injuries.

SHERLOCK  
Are you hurt? Did you fall? We will need to get you checked out straight away...

  
MRS HUDSON  
(sniffling)  
No, no, no.

Sherlock studies her crying face, frowns, and points to the mess on the ground. He grabs a tea towel and crouches down to sop up the mess.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's not as bad as it looks, Mrs. Hudson. The tea pot miraculously survived and there's a bit of a chip in the tea cup, here. Sadly, the sugar bowl didn't make it, though.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Oh Sherlock, I don't care about the sugar bowl or the rest of it.

  
SHERLOCK  
(looking at her with concern)  
Then... what?

  
MRS HUDSON  
Did it ever occur to you, dear, that I might be getting too old to be bringing your tea upstairs every day?

  
SHERLOCK  
(shocked)  
No, Mrs. Hudson, it never had.

  
He returns to cleaning up the mess. He spies a biscuit on the ground, gives it a brushing off and a good sniff before popping it into his mouth.

  
SHERLOCK  
In my mind you are an immortal being that never grows old.

Mrs. Hudson smiles through her tears.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Far from it, dear, but thank you.

  
Sherlock gives her a side hug and pulls up a chair next to her. 

  
SHERLOCK  
What brought all this about, Mrs. Hudson?

  
MRS HUDSON  
Oh pish, Sherlock. Never mind me. Why don't you tell me what's eating you?

Sherlock looks surprised.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Come dear, out with it. A bout of domestics with John over the last week or so... must be wearing on you.

  
SHERLOCK  
(sighing)  
Yes, in fact, it is. John Watson would never believe this about himself... he fancies himself to be low maintenance... but in reality, he is quite demanding in a relationship, as you no doubt heard from our various loud arguments. 

  
Mrs. Hudson nods in agreement.

  
SHERLOCK  
Not to mention rather demanding in the bedroom to boot...

  
MRS HUDSON  
Oh, yes, I heard some of that, too. You must count your blessings, Sherlock. To have a man that virile, and at his age, too! Believe me, dear, I can relate. My husband was the same way... ten years older than me and well into his sixties still wanting it three, four times a week. This one time --

  
SHERLOCK  
Thank you, Mrs. Hudson, I get the point. 

  
He bites into a biscuit he finds on the kitchen table and ponders things.

  
SHERLOCK  
I worry there is a mismatch in feelings towards each other, though.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Oh?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, one of us having much, much stronger feelings towards the other. It just won't do.

  
Mrs. Hudson pats his hand.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Oh Sherlock, John'll come around. You'll see. Give him time.

  
SHERLOCK  
Mrs. Hudson! I'm afraid you are mistaken. It's John that's in love with me. Not the other way around.

  
Mrs. Hudson bursts out laughing.

  
SHERLOCK  
(annoyed)  
Really, Mrs. Hudson.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Sorry, dear!

  
She breaks for more laughing.

  
SHERLOCK  
Really!?

  
MRS HUDSON  
(recovering)  
But of course you love John, Sherlock. Don't be daft.

  
SHERLOCK  
I promise you that's not the case.

  
Mrs. Hudson looks at him fondly.

MRS HUDSON  
You are an idiot, Sherlock Holmes.

  
SHERLOCK  
(huffing)  
Don't you think I would know if I were in love with John Watson?

MRS HUDSON  
(chuckling)

No, I don't think you would. 

  
Sherlock scoffs and turns away.

MRS HUDSON  
Sherlock, you must give up those silly notions of what you think romantic love should look like and feel like. What you and John have is different. This is mature love we are talking about... it's more subtle, much more durable.

  
Sherlock's eyes are brimming with strong emotion. Mrs. Hudson pats his hand reassuringly.

  
MRS HUDSON  
You'll see, luv. You'll see.

  
SHERLOCK  
I'm still not convinced.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Of course you're not. I know you'll need to discover it on your own. All I can do is nudge you in the right direction from time to time.

  
SHERLOCK  
(sadly)  
What will I do if you aren't around to give me nudges?

  
MRS HUDSON  
(affronted)  
Well, I'm not dead yet, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock looks at the pile of broken ceramic on the floor.

  
SHERLOCK  
Still, it seems it is time we gave up our habit of you bringing me my tea. I will miss it dearly. The tea and the company. You keeping tabs on me.

  
Mrs. Hudson smiles.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Perhaps it is high time you came down to my flat to take your morning tea, Sherlock. 

  
Sherlock looks relieved by the suggestion.

  
SHERLOCK  
Thank you, Mrs. Hudson, that would be lovely.

  
MRS HUDSON  
But not every day, mind you! We'll call it my semi-retirement. Let's have you come twice a week. Pick two days, Sherlock. Let's have a proper schedule.

  
SHERLOCK  
Er... Mondays and Wednesdays?

  
MRS HUDSON  
Excellent. But I'll still be bringing you up tea on Sundays... I'm not about to give up my weekly visits with Rosie just yet.

  
SHERLOCK  
Understood.

  
MRS HUDSON  
And when you are down here, you can be helpful around the flat, too. At my age, I shouldn't go about standing on stools. And you're nice and tall.

She points to a burned-out light bulb in the overhead lamp.

  
MRS HUDSON  
That one's been burned out for ages.

  
SHERLOCK  
So it has.

  
He stands up and walks over to Mrs. Hudson and hugs her.

SHERLOCK  
What would I do without you?

  
MRS HUDSON  
Who knows!

  
Sherlock hurries out of the kitchen.

  
SHERLOCK  
I'm off!

  
MRS HUDSON  
Oi! What about my light bulb?  
(waits for response)  
Oh well. Next time then.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - THURSDAY NIGHT

  
Sherlock looks out the window, mopey. John enters and settles into his chair with a contented exhale and picks up a nearby book.

JOHN  
How are you, Sherlock?

  
Sherlock turns only slightly at the sound of his voice.

  
SHERLOCK  
Hm.

  
John regards him carefully.

  
JOHN  
You've been rather quiet this whole week. Lost in thought, a bit distracted.

  
SHERLOCK  
Well, you knew what you were getting into, shacking up with a brainy detective.

JOHN  
Yes, but this isn't casework. This is different. Like you're contemplating life's biggest mysteries or something.

Sherlock turns towards John and smiles enigmatically. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Perhaps I am.

  
JOHN  
(smiling back)  
Well, are you making any progress there?

  
SHERLOCK  
Not really.

  
Sherlock walks over to take his violin case from the corner and then places it on his chair.

  
SHERLOCK  
I'm going to see Eurus tomorrow.

  
JOHN  
Oh! This is a surprise. Well, it does help explain your current mood.

  
Sherlock lifts an eyebrow at John. John shakes a finger at Sherlock in return.

  
JOHN  
You barely give me any notice of these Sherrinford outings, you know.

  
SHERLOCK  
Well, yes, that's by design. Not to keep you in the dark, of course. I purposely make them spur of the moment because I don't trust my dear sister, lest she plan something nasty if she knew I was coming. Mycroft thinks I'm paranoid... he's coming with me tomorrow, by the way.

  
JOHN  
Oh really?

  
SHERLOCK  
(sarcastically)  
Yes, I'll have the pleasure of contending with both my lovely and emotionally-draining siblings at the same time.

  
JOHN  
(smirking)  
Whose brilliant idea was that?

  
SHERLOCK  
Mine.

  
JOHN  
Yours?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, Mycroft has been avoiding Eurus as of late, and he's overdue for a visit with her. Somebody needs to make him do his brotherly duty.

JOHN  
The middle child often has to carry the emotional weight in the family... You're a good brother, you know that, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock can only scowl at this. He looks down and pats the violin case affectionately.

  
SHERLOCK  
I have some things I want to talk to Mycroft about anyway.

  
JOHN  
Planning to discuss some of life's mysteries with your brother, hm?

  
SHERLOCK  
(smiling slightly)  
Maybe. Maybe.

  
John gets up and walks over to stand before Sherlock. He gives Sherlock a quick peck on the lips and then gives him a long hug. Sherlock takes a moment to relax into John's hug before hugging him back.

  
JOHN  
What do you want to do tonight to help you feel more relaxed? Putter about in your laboratory? Watch some crap telly with me?

  
Sherlock turns to his chair and clicks open the violin case.

  
SHERLOCK  
I think I want to play.

  
JOHN  
Could I stay and have a listen? Or would you rather I shove off?

  
SHERLOCK  
I wouldn't mind if you stayed. Actually... please stay.

  
John smiles and walks back to his chair.

  
JOHN  
Will do.

  
He settles back into his chair and takes up his book again. Sherlock tunes up and begins playing his violin.

  
INT. HELICOPTER - FRIDAY - DAY

Sherlock and Mycroft are strapped in the seats, wearing headphones with microphones.

  
SHERLOCK  
(over mic)  
So, tell me, how's your love life?

  
MYCROFT  
(with disdain)  
Little brother, this is hardly the place or the time.

  
Sherlock smiles slightly sinisterly. 

  
MYCROFT  
I'll tell you when we land.

  
Sherlock could not look more surprised by this response. 

  
EXT. HELICOPTER LANDING PAD - SHERRINFORD - MINUTES LATER

  
Mycroft and Sherlock walk slowly towards the compound as they talk. Sherlock has his violin case in hand.

  
MYCROFT  
You asked me about my love life, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
(impressed)  
Yes, I did. Are you actually going to share?

  
MYCROFT  
Yes, in fact, I am.

  
SHERLOCK  
Why would you do such a thing?

  
MYCROFT  
Number one: you kindly inquired and I should at least dignify it with a response. Number two: After utterly destroying the trust of every member of my family by keeping the existence of Eurus a secret for decades, it is time for me to extend an olive branch and make amends. And if I must accomplish that by divulging personal information about myself from time to time, so be it.

  
SHERLOCK  
(chuckling)  
Never mind that you are clearly dying to tell me about yourself and Goldy.

  
MYCROFT  
(sighing haughtily)  
Please, Sherlock, don't make this anymore awkward than it already is.

  
SHERLOCK  
I don't think that's possible!  
Please proceed, big brother.

  
MYCROFT  
Fine. As you are well aware, Gregory and I have been in a relationship for several months. In many ways it is going well...

SHERLOCK  
Yes?

MYCROFT  
But there are aspects of the relationship that make me, shall we say, anxious. It is about balance, or rather, imbalance.

SHERLOCK  
(thrown off)  
Imbalance in the relationship... yes, I may be able to relate to that. I suspect it's that Lestrade can't keep up with you on an intellectual level.   
(furrowing brow)  
But, correct me if I'm wrong, I thought goldfish were your type? There was Anthea, and then your other assistant, I forget his name. Lady Smallwood probably came the closest to your IQ level--

MYCROFT  
Enough, Sherlock. Thank you, I get the point. I don't need a laundry list of all my failed relationships.

SHERLOCK  
"Failed relationships"? As if you ever cared about such things! "Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock." Remember?

MYCROFT  
I wouldn't peg you as one to fall for the ol' Iceman persona hook, line, and sinker. I am capable of being hurt, you know.  
(sighing)  
Gregory's intellect is not the problem. Gregory himself is not the problem at all. I am the problem. 

SHERLOCK  
Mycroft Holmes problematic? Who could believe that? 

MYCROFT  
Your sarcasm is duly noted, brother dear. Need I remind you that you DID ask about my love life. One who asks such things should have the common decency to listen without such rudeness.

  
SHERLOCK  
Apologies, Mycroft. Please continue.

  
MYCROFT  
The problem is that I AM too much. Much too much. Too demanding. Too convoluted. I am constantly scaring off my paramours. Even Lady Smallwood, despite all her complexities. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Ah. Yes. I can see why that might be a hurdle in a relationship.

  
MYCROFT  
I don't wish it to happen with Gregory. I am trying very hard to be, as they say, "low maintenance."

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh, I'm sure Lestrade can put up with a bit of convolution. He's put up with my sorry arse mucking about in his cases for years and years now. That must count for something.

  
MYCROFT  
Well, perhaps. But there is something else. You see, Gregory is a good man. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Well... he is a man... and good at it?

  
They are nearing the door of the prison. Mycroft pauses and turns to Sherlock.

  
MYCROFT  
No, Sherlock, you don't understand. He is a good man. An honest man, a very upfront man. Such a breath of fresh air compared to all the conniving, convoluted people I'm surrounded by in my line of work. And honestly, I fear I am perhaps the worst offender of them all. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh, I highly doubt that. Our dear sister has you beaten by a mile. 

  
Mycroft smirks in appreciation.

  
MYCROFT  
All the same, I like the balance Gregory provides in my life. I just don't know what I give him in return.  
Sherlock ponders this and is about to speak but Mycroft cuts him off.

  
MYCROFT  
Well, time to see our "dear sister", isn't it?

  
SHERLOCK  
So it is.

  
They enter the building.

  
INT. SHERRINFORD WAITING ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

  
The warden shows Mycroft and Sherlock the room.

  
WARDEN  
Sorry. She's had a rough morning, gentlemen. Didn't want to eat.

  
MYCROFT  
Oh, that's a pity to hear. Perhaps I shouldn't have brought her sweets.

  
WARDEN  
No worries. Maybe it'll help whet her appetite, even. But she needs a little time to get composed before seeing visitors. Hope you two don't mind waiting here for a few.

  
SHERLOCK  
That'll be fine. Thank you.

  
MYCROFT  
Warden Harper, could you ensure that all recording devices are turned off in this waiting room while we are occupying it?

  
WARDEN  
Yes, I'll see to it.  
(into walkie-talkie)  
Control, turn off recording in waiting room 5B. 

  
After a moment, the red lights on the security cameras in the ceiling blink off.

MYCROFT  
Thank you very much.

  
The warden leaves. Mycroft and Sherlock sit down on the waiting room chairs.

  
SHERLOCK  
There's something I wanted to say concerning our discussion outside.

  
MYCROFT  
Yes?

  
SHERLOCK  
For the record, I don't see you as a "bad" man. You and Lestrade are both good men in your own ways.

  
Mycroft groans and rolls his eyes.

SHERLOCK  
Scratch that, you are both equally bad... sneaking cigarettes left and right... and neither of you have ever been able to say no to a piece of cake.

  
Mycroft chuckles.

  
MYCROFT  
Thank you, Sherlock. Now, dear brother, it is your turn to air your grievances about your own love life. I believe that may have been your original intention when inquiring about mine... the fact you received an actual heartfelt response came as a complete surprise, no doubt.

  
SHERLOCK  
Absolutely! And I thank you for your candor, Mycroft. And so, I should answer in kind.

  
(pause)  
You mentioned the imbalance you feel in your relationship with Gary --

  
MYCROFT  
Gregory.

  
SHERLOCK  
Right, erm, Lestrade... Well, I, too, am concerned about the imbalance I see in my own relationship with John. I don't know what I bring to the relationship either, at least on an emotional level. Especially on an emotional level.

  
MYCROFT  
Go on.

  
SHERLOCK  
I don't think I am capable of producing the strong emotions I sense John has for me. 

  
MYCROFT  
(perhaps feigning ignorance)  
I believe you'll need to clarify for me.

  
SHERLOCK  
(with resignation)  
John's in love with me but I'm not sure I'm capable of loving him back.

Mycroft gives Sherlock a disparaging look.

SHERLOCK  
(shrugging)  
What?

  
Mycroft takes a deep breath and settles back into his seat.

MYCROFT  
Do you remember the neighbor's horses at Musgrave Manor? Two horses in particular, Lucky and Thistle. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Mycroft, you were much more into the whole horse thing in your youth than I was... fancied yourself a knight on your charge. I wouldn't have bothered to remember two specific horses, let alone their names.

  
MYCROFT  
Yes, well, if you try hard enough you may recall these two. One a dapple-gray, the other a bay. They were constantly together.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh yes, maybe I do remember...

  
MYCROFT  
Very good. So, Lucky and Thistle. Two horses in love. It sounds unforgivably twee, but I swear to you it was a bloody nuisance for everyone involved. The two constantly had to be pastured together. They were fiercely protective of each other. If they were ever separated, they would whinny and run amok, fuss and go feral, risking injury to themselves and unsettling every other farm animal in the vicinity. It was a real problem; the neighbors complained of it endlessly.

  
SHERLOCK  
I see where you are going with this...

  
MYCROFT  
Just listen to the whole story, please Sherlock. Now, when Lucky and Thistle were put in the same paddock, they would settle down and be fine. I say "fine", but those two horses would still nip at each other, their ears flattened back... they annoyed one another to no end. But being near each other was infinitely preferable to the alternative. Frankly, it was better for everyone that they were together. Far less noisy, certainly. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(under breath)  
Perhaps not for Mrs. Hudson.

  
MYCROFT  
Brother mine, that is you and John to a tee.

  
SHERLOCK  
You honestly think John and I can't be separated?

  
Mycroft laughs sardonically.

  
MYCROFT  
It was a bloody disaster the last time it happened, don't you remember? When you faked your death, the two of you were a complete wreck. Then you returned to London only to find him with Mary... and when you and John were thus reunited but NOT permitted to be in the same paddock anymore... Lord, that was somehow even worse!

  
SHERLOCK  
(annoyed)  
Mycroft, really.

  
MYCROFT  
Yes Sherlock, really. It was a lot of work trying to keep you two from destroying yourselves and anyone else -- and still there was a body count! Magnussen, Mary... And suddenly Eurus threw a spanner in the works, and I didn't know what would happen to any of us, anymore.   
(pausing)  
But, in the end, somehow you and John found your way back to living together at Baker Street with only minimal interference from me-- 

  
SHERLOCK  
(narrowing eyes, anger growing)  
What interference, Mycroft?

  
MYCROFT  
Oh, you know, certain small things to make John's decision to move back to central London a little easier... a transit fare hike for only the outer boroughs... ensuring Rosie got into that school... and, oh yes, didn't he get a bit of a promotion around that time period that required some late evening hours, too? Hmm? How handy to have a flatmate to help with child care.

  
SHERLOCK  
(fuming)  
So much meddling, Mycroft!

  
Mycroft smirks happily. The warden enters.

  
WARDEN  
Gentlemen, she's ready. Come with me please.

The warden holds the door open for them. Mycroft and Sherlock rise from the chairs.

  
MYCROFT  
(quietly to Sherlock)  
Please be sure those besotted horses stay together, Sherlock. For everyone's benefit.

Sherlock scoffs in annoyance as the two men exit the room.

  
INT. ROOM OF EURUS'S CELL - A FEW MOMENTS LATER

  
A buzzer rings, a door opens, and Mycroft and Sherlock enter quietly. Eurus, behind thick blue-tinted glass, sits motionless on her bed. Sherlock and Mycroft approach the glass. Sherlock gently puts down his violin case.

  
SHERLOCK  
(calmly)  
Eurus. It's me, Sherlock. I've brought Mycroft with me today.

  
Eurus stands up and slowly approaches the glass, only looking at Sherlock.

  
MYCROFT  
Hello, sister mine.

  
Eurus doesn't look at Mycroft.

  
MYCROFT  
(nervously)  
I hope you are well today, Eurus.

  
Eurus's eyes narrow.

  
MYCROFT  
(aside to Sherlock)  
This isn't working, Sherlock.

  
SHERLOCK  
You have to be patient, Mycroft. Try some small talk.

  
MYCROFT  
Small talk has never been my strong suit.  
(clearing throat)  
Eurus, I see you have your drawings up on the wall there. Are you enjoying your art lessons?

  
Eurus only blinks.

  
MYCROFT  
Okay, I tried. Now what, Sherlock?

  
SHERLOCK  
I'd say it's time to break out the treats.

  
MYCROFT  
Right!

  
Mycroft opens his briefcase and takes out a large red bag of Maltesers. This gets her attention. She places herself directly across from Mycroft; he holds up the bag to her.

  
MYCROFT  
Could I interest you in some sweets?

  
Eurus walks over to the hatch in her cell, motioning to Mycroft to follow. Mycroft places the candy in the hatch and closes it. Eurus picks up the packet on her end and squirrels it away under her mattress. Mycroft exhales in relief. He reaches into his suit jacket pocket for a smaller packet of Maltesers. He opens the packet and pops a candy into his mouth. Eurus hears the sound of the packet opening and strides over, standing right in front of Mycroft behind the glass. She holds her hand out expectantly to him.

  
SHERLOCK  
Ut-oh Mycroft.

  
MYCROFT  
Eurus, dear. I already gave you your packet. This one is mine. 

  
Eurus narrows her eyes and continues to hold her hand out pointedly. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(chuckling)  
Now you've done it, Mycroft.

  
MYCROFT  
But this is just a very small packet. Yours is much, much bigger, Eurus. Let's be reasonable about this. 

  
Eurus is not reasonable. She glowers at Mycroft and his eyebrows raise in fear.

  
SHERLOCK  
Better hand yours over to her, Mycroft.

  
Mycroft sighs and walks over to the hatch once again. Before placing the small packet inside, he pops two more Maltesers in his mouth. Sherlock shakes his head in mild disappointment at Mycroft. Eurus retrieves the smaller packet and adds it to her stash under her mattress.

  
SHERLOCK  
Aw, look at that. They're all happily in the same paddock.

  
Mycroft looks peeved but then a mischievous little grin grows on his face.

  
MYCROFT  
Eurus, my dear, do you remember the neighbor's horses, Lucky and Thistle?

  
Eurus looks up in recognition. Sherlock becomes alarmed. 

  
MYCROFT  
Oh, I see that you do. Doesn't Sherlock remind you a bit of Thistle?

  
SHERLOCK  
Well! That's enough reminiscing for one day, isn't it? 

  
Sherlock quickly bends down and clicks open his violin case.

  
SHERLOCK  
Ready to play, Eurus?

  
Eurus goes to retrieve her violin. Sherlock and Eurus begin their duet and Mycroft quietly sits down to listen.

  
EXT. ROSIE'S NURSERY SCHOOL - FRIDAY - EVENING

John bends down to harness Rosie in the stroller.

JOHN  
Stay warm in there, Rosie.

  
John begins strolling down the street, very much lost in thought.

  
AUDREY  
John! Hey John! John! ... John!

  
JOHN  
(turning to her)  
Sorry Audrey! Didn't hear ya.

  
AUDREY  
Could Dorian and I join you?

  
JOHN  
Of course!

  
John waits for Audrey, pushing Dorian in the stroller, to catch up. They continue walking together.

  
AUDREY  
Lost in thought, were you?

  
JOHN  
Yeah, a bit, actually.

  
AUDREY  
Sherlock was the same the other day, too. Like the two of you are contemplating the secrets of the universe or something.

JOHN  
(smiles shyly)  
Oh really?

AUDREY  
Really! Care to share, John?

JOHN  
Can you keep a secret?

AUDREY  
(slightly offended)  
Oi! Who keeps sneaking around getting reservations and what-not for your date nights? Really, John! Sherlock still hasn't been able to figure that out yet.

JOHN  
Your husband getting his uni students to help out is bloody brilliant.

AUDREY  
Oh, they love being part of the subterfuge... getting to pull one over on the great Sherlock Holmes... who wouldn't?

JOHN  
Right!

AUDREY  
So, yeah, I think I'm blooming amazing at keeping mum. 

JOHN  
Okay, fine.  
(sigh)  
So, it appears that...  
(a deep pause)  
Wow, this is harder to say than I expected.

Audrey waits patiently.

JOHN  
(clears throat)  
It would appear that I am very much in love with Sherlock.

Audrey grins and nods and doesn't say anything.

  
JOHN  
Seriously, Audrey? You can't even pretend to be the slightest bit surprised?

  
Audrey bursts out laughing. The kids in the strollers start giggling as well.

JOHN  
Oh for...

Soon John is giggling, too.

  
AUDREY  
What can I say, John? It's so obvious. The look on your face when you two are together... it is unmistakable. 

John groans.

AUDREY  
What's wrong with that?

  
JOHN  
What's wrong is that he doesn't love me back!

  
Audrey shoots him a wilting look.

  
AUDREY  
I have a very hard time believing that.

  
JOHN  
Audrey, trust me on this.

AUDREY  
The very fond way he looks at you, the way his whole demeanor transforms and relaxes when you are around... you should hear the way he talks about you when you aren't around, John.

JOHN  
You mean, like I'm dumb arse?

AUDREY  
Well... okay, yeah... but a dumb arse he's completely head over heels for.

JOHN  
(shaking head)  
It's just infatuation. 

AUDREY  
Really? A decade long infatuation?

JOHN  
Oh stop! He's not been in love with me for ten years.

AUDREY  
(shrugging, smiling)  
Ehhhhhhh?

JOHN  
(rolling eyes)  
Oh my God! Can you stop being a hopeless romantic for one second and entertain the idea that Sherlock Holmes is NOT in love with me?

AUDREY  
Fine. I'll treat it as a thought experiment.

JOHN  
Thank you. So, I'm in love with him. He's not in love with me. And so... what now?

  
AUDREY  
You wait for him to catch up.

  
John stops walking and stares at Audrey. She stops too.

  
AUDREY  
What? That's what people do.

  
DORIAN  
(from stroller)  
Mama!

  
ROSIE  
(joining in)  
Dada?

  
AUDREY  
Okay, luvs, we'll get a wiggle on.

  
They start walking again. John is deep in thought.

  
JOHN  
It could take ages for him to "catch up."

  
AUDREY  
Or not.

  
JOHN  
He may never catch up.

  
AUDREY  
Well... that is a risk.

  
John is closed-lipped.

  
AUDREY  
You could speed the process along by telling him how you feel.

  
JOHN  
Oh noooooo. No, no, no. That's not happening.

  
AUDREY  
And why not?

  
JOHN  
It would completely scare him off.

  
AUDREY  
Maybe. But then he might come back.

JOHN  
I doubt it.

  
Audrey sighs.

  
AUDREY  
So, your plan is to wait around until he says "I love you" first?

  
JOHN  
Exactly.

  
AUDREY  
Unbelievable.

  
John scowls at her.

AUDREY  
Is this how it went with your wife? When you two fell in love?

  
JOHN  
Well, Mary said "I love you" first, and at the time it was very easy to say it back.

  
Audrey quirks an eyebrow up at his odd phrasing and ponders things for a moment.

  
AUDREY  
So, what I'm hearing is that you always let the other person take the lead.

  
JOHN  
Yes. Precisely.

  
Audrey shoots him a disappointed look.

  
JOHN  
Go ahead and say it, Audrey. "John, you are a big, fat coward."

  
AUDREY  
Hmph... at least you are aware of the fact.

  
JOHN  
(with pain in his eyes)  
I don't want to lose him, Audrey. I've lost so much already in my life. I can't afford to lose him by making the mistake of telling him how I feel.

AUDREY  
All right, but... I don't want you to lose him by NOT telling him how you feel, either.

John throws back his head and exhales loudly. 

ROSIE  
Dada? Dada! DADA!

  
John and Audrey stop walking, alarmed. John bends down to check on Rosie in the stroller.

  
JOHN  
What's wrong Rosie?

  
Rosie smiles.

  
ROSIE  
(blowing a kiss)  
Mwah!

Dorian  
(blowing a kiss to Audrey)  
Mwah!

John smiles, relieved, and the parents blow kisses back to their children.

  
AUDREY  
Looks like you have one person who unequivocally loves you, John. I know you've lost a lot in life... but don't lose track of what you've gained, as well.

JOHN  
(smiling at Rosie)  
Love you!

  
INT. ELLA THOMSON'S OFFICE - TUESDAY - DAY

  
[Note: John has returned to therapy sessions with Ella, his original therapist, after the whole Eurus debacle. Sherlock has been going to her for at least two years, as well.]

  
ELLA  
What's on your mind today, Sherlock?

  
SHERLOCK  
Love.

  
ELLA  
(a little surprised)  
Love?

SHERLOCK  
Yep.

ELLA  
Love in the abstract or how it pertains to you personally?

SHERLOCK  
A bit of both, actually. They seem to be intrinsically intertwined.  
(big inhale)  
It appears my relationship with my boyfriend has progressed to a level I am ill-prepared for.

ELLA  
How so?

SHERLOCK  
I will cut to the chase: my boyfriend is in love with me but I don't reciprocate the feelings.   
(mumbling to self)  
Telling this story over and over has become quite tiresome.

ELLA  
Did your boyfriend say --

SHERLOCK  
(impatiently)  
No, he did not verbally declare his love for me. But I know. I deduced it. It is quite apparent to me that he's in love with me. People are having a hard time believing me --

ELLA  
Okay.

SHERLOCK  
(taken aback)  
Okay?

ELLA  
Yes, Sherlock. I believe you. 

SHERLOCK  
You do? Well...   
(recovering)  
I suppose you're wondering why I can't say I love him back.

ELLA  
You are welcome to share your views on that with me. But there was something else you mentioned that I would like to unpack a bit.

SHERLOCK  
Something else?  
(small smile growing on face)  
I see my detective skills have been rubbing off on you. 

ELLA  
(small smile as well)  
Perhaps so.

SHERLOCK  
I'm intrigued to hear what you gleaned from my statements.

ELLA  
You indicated that you have sought out advice from others about this matter.

SHERLOCK  
One could say that, yes.

ELLA  
That's a big step for you... confiding in others, seeking out emotional support. I'm proud of you.

Sherlock tries to hide his delight at her praise.

SHERLOCK  
I... I frankly don't know what to say.

ELLA  
Well, if you are comfortable with it and don't feel it would betray their trust, you could share what advice they had for you. Perhaps it would also serve as an avenue to express your own thoughts about your boyfriend's feelings for you.

SHERLOCK  
Perhaps it would. They had quite a few theories on the matter.

ELLA  
I imagine so. I'd like to hear them.

SHERLOCK  
To start, my friend Molly recommends giving the relationship a year to allow me time to suss out my feelings about things, to determine if love is among those feelings.

  
Ella nods sagely and jots down some notes on her pad.

SHERLOCK  
And my landlady Mrs. Hudson thinks I'm already in love and don't know it already, which I find highly improbable. 

Sherlock searches Ella's expression for a reaction, but her poker face is too good.

SHERLOCK  
Meanwhile, my brother equates us to two horses in love. 

ELLA  
Sorry?

  
SHERLOCK  
(sighing)  
Apparently, when two horses are in love, they need be always kept together otherwise they cause such a fuss that it makes everyone around them miserable.

ELLA  
(chuckling)  
That's a good one... I'll have to borrow that analogy. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Feel free to, but let's not let my brother catch wind of that. It'll go straight to his already overdeveloped ego.

  
ELLA  
May I present an analogy of my own?

SHERLOCK  
Of course.

  
ELLA  
First, I would like to acknowledge that this relationship with your boyfriend has been a significant one, one that has encouraged you to express yourself emotionally as well as sexually.

SHERLOCK  
Ha! I beg to differ on both points. The relationship has only served to highlight how emotionally and sexually stunted I truly am.

ELLA  
On the contrary. From what you've told me these past couple of months, you've been able to openly express your limitations with him, and he has for the most part heard them and respected them. This has allowed you the security and freedom to develop emotionally and sexually.

SHERLOCK  
(rubbing head)  
Which will all come to a screeching halt when I can't return his love.

ELLA  
Hm.  
(pause)  
Here's my own analogy, Sherlock. Do you know about binary star systems?

SHERLOCK  
Sounds like it has to do with either astronomy or the Hollywood film industry. Neither are my strong suits, I'm afraid.

ELLA  
Astronomy, yes. In a binary star system, two stars orbit around a common center. They both have their own independent orbits but harmoniously share the same corner of space. Are you with me so far?

Sherlock nods in confirmation.

ELLA  
It is the same when two very independent people embark on a relationship. It isn't healthy for one person to orbit around the other, as if one is the center of the other's world. Nor is it common that the two orbits sync up perfectly, moving in tandem. Instead two mature souls that have learned to live independently... who have created their own unique orbits... now must find a way to live together sharing a common space, common interests, and yes, eventually a common love. They still maintain their own identity, but they are, as you said earlier, "intrinsically linked."  
(pause)  
In the end, they can't imagine traveling through the universe apart. 

SHERLOCK  
That is rather lovely, Ella.

ELLA  
Thank you. I've worked hard on it. And it reminds me a bit of another relationship you've had...

  
Ella furrows her brow and looks through her notes. Sherlock squirms a bit.

ELLA  
I couldn't help noticing that you didn't mention your friend John in your list of people you approached for relationship advice.

  
SHERLOCK  
Erm...yes... John.... ahem.

ELLA  
If I recall correctly, you value his opinion quite a lot. Has he much to say about your new relationship?

Sherlock shuffles nervously in his seat.

SHERLOCK  
I mean, not really.

  
Ella, confused, looks through her notes again.

ELLA  
Are John and his daughter still living with you? I suspect that your romantic relationship might impact your living arrangement with them somewhat. Come to think about it... you've not mentioned John very much over the last few months, not since you started this new --

SHERLOCK  
(erupting under scrutiny)  
All right, all right! John Watson and I are dating.

ELLA  
(hiding surprise)  
You're dating John while in a serious relationship with another man?

SHERLOCK  
(rubbing forehead)  
No, I'm only dating John. John is the person I'm in a relationship with... he's my boyfriend.

ELLA  
Oh!  
(unhappily)  
Oh.

Ella folds her hands in her lap and stares sternly at Sherlock.

ELLA  
Sherlock, you may be aware I have a policy against working independently with members of a relationship. Only couples counseling.

  
SHERLOCK  
(admonished)  
Yes, I am aware. It's precisely why I haven't told you that it's John I've been dating the past few months.

ELLA  
The fact that you BOTH have kept this hidden from me for so long...

SHERLOCK  
(on edge of seat, excited)  
Why? Has he said anything about us during your sessions?

Ella can't help but smile briefly at this.

SHERLOCK  
Sorry.

  
ELLA  
Still, the current arrangement simply won’t do. A decision must be made. 

SHERLOCK  
Yes, I'll make it simple for everyone. I'll stop my sessions with you. No need to bother John with any of this. He started working with you first, after all.  
(sadly)  
And he's very attached to you.

ELLA  
I hope you've noted this act of generosity in yourself, Sherlock.

Sherlock waves his hand dismissively.

ELLA  
And I regret losing you as a client. You've made great strides with your addiction and recovery over the years. I've watched you grow as a person, tackling your emotional issues. I'm very proud of you Sherlock.

  
Sherlock feels very validated by this. 

  
SHERLOCK  
Thank you.

  
ELLA  
I'd really like you to continue therapy.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh, I'm sure I'll find someone.

  
ELLA  
I have someone I'd like to refer you to, if you are amenable.

  
SHERLOCK  
Oh? Yes, that would be fine.

  
ELLA  
Glad to hear it. She's very good. She was my mentor, in fact. I daresay she's brilliant, in a no-nonsense sort of way.

  
SHERLOCK  
(raising an eyebrow)  
And you think that would be a good match for me?

  
ELLA  
Definitely. I'll send you her info.

  
SHERLOCK  
(with sincerity)  
I will miss working with you. I wish you well, Ella.

  
ELLA  
I wish you well, too, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock rises, shakes her hand, and departs.

  
INT. DR HERSCHER'S OFFICE - FRIDAY

  
Dr. Herscher (70's, stern-looking, bespectacled, small) sits at her large desk writing notes. There's a knock at her door.

DR HERSCHER  
Come in!

  
Sherlock enters.

DR HERSCHER  
Ah! Sherlock Holmes, I presume. I am Dr. Herscher.

  
She stands up and extends a hand. Sherlock leans over her desk to shake her hand.

SHERLOCK  
A pleasure to meet you.

  
Dr. Herscher sits down and gestures to a chair facing her desk.

  
DR HERSCHER  
Please take a seat. Let's make good use of our time, why don't we?

  
Sherlock's observation abilities are in full effect. He analyzes her outfit and scans her bookshelf carefully.

  
SHERLOCK  
Are you THE Dr. Herscher of Oxford University? I see you have written a number of these books.

  
Dr. Herscher smiles, amused.

  
DR HERSCHER  
Let's not pretend you don't have my entire CV memorized already, Mr. Holmes. I am happy to tell you whatever you like. I'm an open book. You don't need to try to weasel anything out of me.

SHERLOCK  
I'm not...

  
Dr. Herscher sighs and fixes him with a stony stare.

  
DR HERSCHER  
You most likely already know all this, but here goes: I am a child of holocaust survivors, I was mostly raised in the US but I've lived everywhere, attended Harvard and then ended up doing doctoral work at Oxford. Yes, I have taught clinical psychology at Oxford as well as at a number of different universities large and small. I have written some books but I enjoy teaching much more. I also enjoy practicing my trade. I have two children and five grandchildren.

SHERLOCK  
And two small dogs.

DR HERSCHER  
One dog and one cat that thinks it's a dog.

  
Sherlock scoffs at himself for his incorrect deduction.

DR HERSCHER  
See, Mr. Holmes? I hide nothing. I am good at my job but I have no problem admitting when I make mistakes.

  
SHERLOCK  
I see. You are as no-nonsense as Ella said you'd be.

  
DR HERSCHER  
Exactly. So, let's talk about you, Mr. Holmes.  
(glances through his file)  
Let's start with your childhood... genius diagnosis, I don't doubt that... but this "high-functioning sociopath" stuff is bupkes.

SHERLOCK  
It certainly is not!

  
Dr. Herscher studies him over the top of her glasses for a moment.

DR HERSCHER  
Of course it is. One doctor incorrectly diagnoses a child with autism early on... calling it schizophrenia or psychopathy... and no other doctor ever bothers to question it. It happens all the time, sadly.  
(sighs)  
I'm sorry you've been ingesting this silly psycho-babble for far too long, Mr. Holmes... but something tells me you don't wholly believe it yourself.

SHERLOCK  
(dazed)  
I hardly know what to think anymore.

  
DR HERSCHER  
(reading file again)  
You have autism and you've done well with the hand you've been dealt, that's for sure.  
(whistling in admiration)  
The dead kid in the well, that's a doozy!

  
SHERLOCK  
It really was.

  
DR HERSCHER  
(shaking head)  
All these drugs... so unnecessary.

  
SHERLOCK  
I've been trying to get clean.

  
DR HERSCHER  
(smiling again)  
That's admirable. But I don't think it is the nature of our visit today, is it?

  
SHERLOCK  
No, my current issue is more of an inter-personal matter.

  
DR HERSCHER  
Your love life?

  
SHERLOCK  
(surprised)  
Well... erm...

  
DR HERSCHER  
(holding up a piece of paper)  
Ella sent over some notes, it's not like I just guessed, Mr. Holmes. I'm not that good.  
(reads paper)  
So, what's going on with you and John?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes. John. Well. There's a bit of an imbalance in our relationship. 

  
DR HERSCHER  
Uh huh. Go on.

  
SHERLOCK  
He has some particularly strong feelings for me that I don't currently reciprocate.

  
DR HERSCHER  
Hmm. And your relationship is completely balanced in all other respects, correct?

  
SHERLOCK  
Er... sorry?

  
DR HERSCHER  
He's your intellectual equal, I suppose?

  
SHERLOCK  
Em, not as much.

  
Dr. Herscher hides an impish grin.

  
DR HERSCHER  
Oh? So, you two have the same levels of compassion and empathy? You're balanced in that way, too?

  
SHERLOCK  
(getting worried)  
Ahem. That would be a 'no' as well.

  
Dr. Herscher's grin grows wider.

  
DR HERSCHER  
I would certainly hope not.

  
SHERLOCK  
Come again?

  
DR HERSCHER  
Mr. Holmes, you are a very smart person, and that can be very intimidating. Because of this, you most likely gravitate to others who genuinely like you for your brilliance... who appreciate it despite being intimidated by it.

  
SHERLOCK  
That may be true.

  
DR HERSCHER  
(a bit scolding)  
I hope you are kind to those folks.

  
SHERLOCK  
(ashamed)  
No, I'm usually a complete tosser towards them actually.

  
DR HERSCHER  
We'll plan to delve into that another day, shall we? Now... as clever as you are, you know very well that expressing and dealing with your feelings is challenging for you; therefore, you are drawn to those who are naturally compassionate and empathetic. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(fidgeting)  
Yes, that could be true as well.

  
DR HERSCHER  
I suspect John may be one of them.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, he is.

  
DR HERSCHER  
I see nothing wrong with the apparent imbalance in your relationship, then. Brains and empathy. Head and heart.

  
SHERLOCK  
It's the heart part I'm worried about. We can't go around with John loving me and me not loving him back! It's a massive problem. It simply won't do!

  
DR HERSCHER  
Does it not take you a long time to come to terms with your own feelings?

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, that's accurate.

  
DR HERSCHER  
Is John pushing the love issue at all? Has he confessed his love and demanded you love him back?

  
SHERLOCK  
No, he has not.

  
DR HERSCHER  
(chuckling)  
Then he's smarter than you give him credit for.

  
Sherlock narrows his eyes at her but doesn't respond.

  
DR HERSCHER  
Your concern for the matter demonstrates that you may have a kernel of these feelings in you already, and you need to allow yourself the time to let them flourish.  
(wagging a finger)  
And you young people have the most absurd notions about romantic love anyway.

  
SHERLOCK  
You sound like my landlady, Mrs. Hudson.

  
DR HERSCHER  
Oh? Well, she sounds very wise.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes, I feel the two of you would get along famously.

  
DR HERSCHER  
Really? Is she single?

  
Sherlock is gobsmacked.

  
DR HERSCHER  
(laughing)  
I'm totally kidding Mr. Holmes. I know, I know. How unprofessional of me. But I'm old and don't care anymore.

  
SHERLOCK  
(under breath)  
Note to self, never put the two of you in the same room together.

  
DR HERSCHER  
There's one more thing I need to chat with you about, Mr. Holmes.

  
SHERLOCK  
Yes?

  
DR HERSCHER  
Your brother.

  
SHERLOCK  
Ut-oh.

  
DR HERSCHER  
He's already paid me a visit.

  
SHERLOCK  
(angrily, to self)  
Mycroft!  
(to Dr Herscher)  
I apologize for what I can only presume was his completely beastly behavior.

  
DR HERSCHER  
It was a bit beastly, actually. I am a person who isn't daunted by those smarter than myself... I find them rather endearing actually... but I dislike when people use their intelligence as a weapon. Your brother doesn't seem to respect client-therapist confidentiality. But don't worry, I sent him packing. I've dealt with his type before: they think they’re so cunning, but they don't seem to know what to do with a straightforward 'no.'

  
SHERLOCK  
He's going to find the information anyway, he's able to hack into any computer.

  
DR HERSCHER  
(tapping notepad)  
I take all my notes on paper.

  
SHERLOCK  
He'll steal them.

  
DR HERSCHER  
Then I wish him luck attempting to decipher my short-hand chicken scratch written in five different languages.  
(knowing smile)  
What I'm trying to say, Mr. Holmes, is I'll protect your privacy. 

  
SHERLOCK  
It's hardly necessary, Dr. Herscher. Mycroft already knows everything. And my life is routinely splashed across the newspapers as well as John's blog.

  
DR HERSCHER  
I think this is precisely the point: You are actually a very private person who has been forced into the limelight and thus had to create a public persona to compensate. I am here to protect the private Sherlock Holmes. 

  
SHERLOCK  
(touched)  
Thank you, Dr. Herscher.

  
DR. HERSCHER  
You are welcome. It is good to have someone on your side.  
(folding hands)  
Now please. Allow yourself time to develop and explore your feelings with John. It is the least you can do for yourself and for him.

Sherlock nods slowly, deep in contemplation at her words.


	16. The Adler Case

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A case! An honest-to-God case! And the reappearance of the divine Ms. Irene Adler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No smut in this chapter, but some discussion of sex. And a fair bit of jealousy (if, like me, you are into that kind of thing).

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - DECEMBER - SATURDAY

  
John, Mrs. Hudson, and Rosie are decorating the Christmas tree. Holiday tunes play in the background. Sherlock sits in his chair, bouncing a leg idly as he watches the scene.

  
MRS HUDSON  
...And I looked out on the lawn, and there are three alligators gathered around the bird bath. Three! Lord knows how they snuck into the compound, but that's Florida for you.

John hands her another ornament.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Where should we put this one, Rosie?

  
ROSIE  
(pointing to a spot)  
There!

  
Mrs. Hudson assists Rosie in hanging the ornament.

  
MRS HUDSON  
That looks lovely. So, where was I? Oh yes, the three alligators. So, my husband takes down his...  
(mouths to Sherlock and John)  
Rifle from the wall...  
(regular voice level)  
An antique one no less, and --

  
Sherlock's mobile text alert sounds: "Ahhhh!" Everyone turns to look at Sherlock in shock.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Oh dear. That noise.

  
JOHN  
(eyes narrowed at Sherlock)  
Yes. That noise. 

Sherlock grabs his mobile from his pocket and looks at the screen worriedly.

  
SHERLOCK  
It must be urgent. That alert is only for her urgent messages.

  
JOHN  
(suspicious)  
Pardon? What do you mean by "urgent", exactly?

John plops down in his armchair, glaring at Sherlock. Sherlock, busily texting, ignores his surroundings. Mrs. Hudson watches John and Sherlock with growing concern.

  
SHERLOCK  
(condescendingly)  
People can send their texts labeled "high importance" or not. And I've simply set her urgent incoming ones with that alert --

  
JOHN  
(with growing jealousy)  
And her normal texts?

  
Sherlock finally clues into John's emotional state. He looks up at John's angry face.

  
SHERLOCK  
(carefully)  
Those don't have an alert anymore, as it turns out.

  
MRS HUDSON  
Oh dear. Rosie, darling. Why don't you and I go downstairs for a couple of minutes? Let your father and Sherlock have a little chat, shall we?

ROSIE  
No! Tree! Tree!

MRS HUDSON  
You can help me find the rest of my ornaments.

ROSIE  
No!

MRS HUDSON  
And some telly? I wonder if we can find Peppa Pig.

ROSIE  
Peppa! Peppa! Oink!

MRS HUDSON  
That's right, darling. Come along.  
(whispering)  
There'll be biscuits!

  
Rosie takes Mrs. Hudson's hand as they walk towards the door. Mrs. Hudson looks over her shoulder at John and Sherlock in their respective chairs, staring at each other uncomfortably.

MRS HUDSON  
Behave yourselves, you two.

She closes the door behind her.

  
SHERLOCK  
John --

  
JOHN  
Why don't Irene's normal texts have that bloody alert anymore, hm?

SHERLOCK  
Well, you don't seem to care for the sound all that much, and neither does Mrs. Hudson for that matter.

  
John guffaws with a shake of his hiead.

SHERLOCK  
And so, when you and Rosie moved in, I changed it.  
(sighing)  
Look, it is a matter of little importance, I was only trying to spare you the aggravation of having to contend with a bothersome noise day in and day out.

JOHN  
(hugely jealous)  
"Day in day out"? Oh, I see. Of course. All day long, even... as one does with their girlfriend.

SHERLOCK  
(trying to downplay it)  
John, please.

  
John rises and starts pacing around. Sherlock watches him a bit anxiously.

  
JOHN  
How long were you two an item then?

  
SHERLOCK  
Really, don't you think you're --

JOHN  
Overreacting? Nope. No. Don't think I am. Just answer the question.

SHERLOCK  
A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell.

JOHN  
(throwing up hands)  
Rosie and I have lived here nearly two years, and you are saying I never noticed you had a girlfriend? Let alone THIS particular girlfriend?

SHERLOCK  
Well you've never been very astute, John.

  
John stops pacing and fixes Sherlock with a vicious stare.

  
JOHN  
You purposely kept the relationship hidden from me, Sherlock. How long were you with Irene Adler?

  
SHERLOCK  
It simply isn't important.

JOHN  
Maybe not to you, but it is to me!

SHERLOCK  
What does it matter, John? It's been over for months, now.

JOHN  
(laughing angrily)  
Ha! Just like we've been dating "for months" now?

SHERLOCK  
(dismissively)  
This conversation is getting out of hand.

JOHN  
Only because you keep dodging the questions. So here's a very simple, very direct one: have you texted Irene Adler, at all, while you and I have been in our current relationship?

SHERLOCK  
(after a pause, meekly)  
Yes.

JOHN  
(folding arms)  
I want to see them.

  
Sherlock looks up at John defiantly. 

SHERLOCK  
Has anyone ever told you that you have major trust issues?

  
JOHN  
You bet. At therapy, on a weekly basis. Show me the texts, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock sighs and begins scrolling through his phone. John walks over to stand behind Sherlock's chair to read over his shoulder.

  
SHERLOCK  
You'll see that it's nothing.

JOHN  
Hm. I'll be the judge of that, thank you very much.

SHERLOCK  
(reading out the text exchange)  
Irene: Haven't heard from you in a while BDH. Let's have dinner.

JOHN  
BDH?

SHERLOCK  
Er... Big Dick Holmes. Dick for detective, I assume.

JOHN  
(rolling eyes)  
Riiiight. I'm sure that's it. Carry on.

SHERLOCK  
(continues reading)  
Me: Apologies. I have started seeing someone. I should've told you earlier.  
Irene: Is it serious?  
Me: Yes.  
Irene: It better be John.  
Me: It is.  
Irene: Thank God.  
(quietly)  
Me: Yes.

  
John is speechless at this. He walks over and sinks into his chair. They both look at each other with a mixture of shyness, affection, and nervousness.

SHERLOCK  
(clearing throat)  
And no other texts from her until today.

  
JOHN  
(subdued)  
Tell me about this new text.

Sherlock jumps up, excited.

  
SHERLOCK  
A case, John! A case! She's requested both of us. I'll give you more details in the cab.  
(yelling)  
Oy, Mrs. Hudson!

JOHN  
Uh, no. I don't do cases anymore. You are to take Lestrade, or Nazir... or whomever. Per our flatmate agreement... AND at Mycroft's and Molly's insistence, if you recall.  
(shaking a finger at him)  
That was the deal, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock grabs both John's hands with enthusiasm.

  
SHERLOCK  
That's only for the dangerous cases. This isn't dangerous. Come on!

  
JOHN  
(bitingly)  
Really? Because the last time I was at Irene's there were Vatican Cameos all over the place!

  
Sherlock tries in vain to pull John out of his chair.

  
SHERLOCK  
Up you go!

JOHN  
Nooo. Let go of me, you arse.

SHERLOCK  
(imploringly)  
Please, John. She asked for both of us. She must have her reasons.

JOHN  
(scoffing)  
I can't imagine what her reasons would be.

SHERLOCK  
Maybe to keep YOU from becoming all jealous and suspicious... but, it appears we have BOTH those boxes ticked off already, don't we?

  
Sherlock tries again to yank John to standing.

SHERLOCK  
Let's go!

JOHN  
I have to look after Rosie.

SHERLOCK  
Mrs. Hudson will do it. She's offered before, on several occasions.  
(hollering)  
Mrs. Hudson!

JOHN  
(hushed, with misgiving)  
Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
(also hushed, but with excitement)  
Come along, John. It will be fun! We can't delay. Look, I'll go tell Mrs. Hudson and I'll wait for you outside. Hm?

  
John looks up at Sherlock with uncertainty. Sherlock smiles at him, grabs his coat, and scampers out the front door.   
John gazes up at the ceiling and exhales. He rises from his seat and grabs his own coat before exiting.

  
EXT. IRENE'S NEW TOWNHOUSE - BELGRAVIA - 40 MINUTES LATER

  
Sherlock and John exit a cab and walk up to the house.

JOHN  
New house, same neighborhood? Doesn't seem particularly wise.

SHERLOCK  
We are all creatures of habit.

JOHN  
Same line of work, too?

SHERLOCK  
More or less.

JOHN  
Hmph.

SHERLOCK  
John, please. Behave yourself.

  
Sherlock rings the bell. Irene's new girlfriend MARTA answers the door and beckons them in.

INT. IRENE'S TOWNHOUSE - SITTING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

  
Marta shows Sherlock and John in.

MARTA  
She's been expecting you. She'll join you in a jiff.

JOHN  
Fully clothed this time, I hope.

  
Marta chuckles as she leaves. John shrugs and sits down on the sofa. Sherlock sits down next to him.

JOHN  
I hate this already.

SHERLOCK  
Everything will be fine, John.

JOHN  
Doubt it.

Irene (clothed) strides in and regards them with a smirk and a glint in her eye. She takes a seat facing the sofa.

  
IRENE  
Look at you two little love birds. 

SHERLOCK  
Hello, Irene. 

  
Irene glances at Sherlock for the briefest of moments before focusing her attention on John. 

IRENE  
So, John... How does it feel being a couple?

JOHN  
(darkly)  
It's fine. Peachy.

IRENE  
Good. I just wanted to hear you say it. Last time I checked... back at the powerplant... you weren't too keen on the concept of being "a couple", remember?

John stares her down angrily.

SHERLOCK  
Well! Now that we've had an opportunity to exchange pleasantries, let's get down to the matter at hand, shall we? Irene, do enlighten us about the case.

JOHN  
A string of poisonings, is it?

IRENE  
Not quite. A string of overdoses, of an accidental nature.  
(with raised brows)  
Cocaine, specifically. And most of the victims are not habitual cocaine users, and none of them know each other. The only common denominator between them all is... me.

  
Sherlock rises and begins pacing in thought.

SHERLOCK  
All clients of yours?

IRENE  
Yes. Every one of them.

SHERLOCK  
Have ALL your clients succumbed to these apparent overdoses?

IRENE  
No, not all. But at least a third of them.

JOHN  
Accidental cocaine overdose? How does that happen, exactly?

IRENE  
Well, Dr. Watson, that's precisely what I would like to know. How are my clients being mysteriously drugged? It would appear that someone is attempting to frame me.

SHERLOCK  
Perhaps, so. Then again... perhaps not.

JOHN  
(sarcastically)  
Well, that clears up everything.

IRENE  
You don't think I'm being framed?

SHERLOCK  
It's either a very clumsy or very overwrought way of going about framing someone... why only attack a third of your clients? Unless that third is rather well-heeled or otherwise targets of blackmail?

IRENE  
(shaking head)  
No, not really. It seems rather random, actually. 

SHERLOCK  
Then I don't think you are being framed. At least not on purpose. You see all your clients here, correct?

IRENE  
Yes, I prefer to work out of my own home, although I do make the occasional exception.

  
Sherlock stops and looks around the room carefully.

  
SHERLOCK  
I suspect it may be something to do with the house. Perhaps something IN the house. I assume you and your woman there have taken drug tests recently as well?

IRENE  
Yes.

SHERLOCK  
And?

IRENE  
Mine came back negative. Never been a fan of the stuff. I like a clear head when I work. Marta's on the other hand...

SHERLOCK  
Yes?

IRENE  
Well, she's a bit of a user anyway, so the results showed nothing out of the ordinary. 

SHERLOCK  
Hm.

JOHN  
If it's something to do with the house, Sherlock, wouldn't Irene be affected?

SHERLOCK  
Yes, you'd think so. But that just adds to the mystery. Irene, do you mind if I have a look around?

IRENE  
That is, in fact, why I insisted you come over, isn't it?

  
Sherlock smirks and begins to inspect the furnishings, giving everything a good sniff.

  
JOHN  
Care to explain why I've been asked to tag along, too?

IRENE  
(snarkily)  
I'm sure your purpose will reveal itself eventually, John. Bumbling into the key to the solution, isn't that your forte?

  
John glowers at her and Irene grins a bit evilly back at him. Sherlock sighs with irritation but continues to work, sniffing and searching.

JOHN  
Why, exactly, are you sniffing everything?

SHERLOCK  
Cocaine has a distinct chemically smell. Depending on the refining process and country of origin, it can smell like kerosene, ammonia, bleach, gasoline, et cetera. I'm checking for them all.

JOHN  
And?

  
Sherlock sniffs deeply and shakes his head in disappointment. 

SHERLOCK  
There's nothing here. We need to check the other rooms where you...  
(faltering)  
Entertain your clients.

Sherlock begins to walk out the door. John looks a little bewildered.

IRENE  
(silkily)  
To the bedroom we go, Dr. Watson. Sherlock will lead us.  
(winking)  
He already knows the way. 

  
Sherlock freezes in the doorway with his back to the others. His shoulders sag. John's face goes red with embarrassment, rage, and jealousy. Sherlock straightens up and exits, Irene strides after him confidently, and John follows in a huff.

  
INT. IRENE'S BEDROOM - A FEW MOMENTS LATER

Sherlock, Irene, and John enter.

  
IRENE  
Here we are. This is where my clients spend the majority of their time when they are on the premises. But I also spend quite a bit of time here as well, and I haven't been mysteriously exposed to cocaine.

SHERLOCK  
I don't wish to leave any stone unturned. Now, I need to inspect the tools of your trade, if you don't mind.

JOHN  
(alarmed, furrowed brow)  
Sherlock!

Sherlock glances at John and rolls his eyes.

SHERLOCK  
Literal tools, John. Or, as they are more commonly known, "toys."

IRENE  
(folding arms)  
Certainly. I believe you remember where they are kept. 

  
John's mouth falls open, gobsmacked. Sherlock grunts in annoyance and goes to an antique wardrobe and pulls open the doors. Irene and John, not wishing to be near each other, stalk to opposite corners of the room and watch Sherlock intently. Sherlock begins picking up sex toys and equipment, sniffing them each individually. John is clearly uncomfortable by all this.

  
IRENE  
I doubt you'll find much, I clean them meticulously.

SHERLOCK  
You never know.

  
Sherlock sniffs a container of lubricant.

  
IRENE  
Brings back memories, doesn't it, Sherlock?

Sherlock gives her side-eye and continues his investigation, but John scoffs and grows visibly angry.

IRENE  
Is there a problem, Dr. Watson?

John stares her down. Sherlock holds up another sex toy curiously.

SHERLOCK  
What's this?

IRENE  
Anal beads.

SHERLOCK  
Oh! Ohhh...

Sherlock glances keenly at John, one eyebrow cocked as if to say 'We should give this a try'. John looks at Sherlock in shock, and then is so embarrassed that he hides his head in his hands.

  
IRENE  
(smirking)  
You might enjoy them, Dr. Watson, you never know.  
(turning to Sherlock)  
Sherlock, we never tried them on you, because I knew you wouldn't be able to handle it.

  
Sherlock ignores this and continues investigating the wardrobe. John's head snaps up, incensed.

IRENE  
(provocatively)  
A dominant always knows her submissive's limits.

JOHN  
(exploding with fury)  
Real classy, Irene!

He moves to the center of the room, as if to protect Sherlock from Irene's nasty barbs. John may not be conscious of his own movements, but they certainly don't go unnoticed by both Sherlock and Irene. Irene goes in for the kill.

IRENE  
(sardonically)  
Oh please, John. You needn't be jealous. The number of times he called out your name during sex is beyond ridiculous.

SHERLOCK  
(impatiently)  
Please, Ms. Adler.

Irene ignores Sherlock and fixes John with a vicious stare.

IRENE  
You must have at least figured out the praise thing by now, right John? If you'd like, I could provide you with a detailed list of his other kinks.

JOHN  
(furious)  
Are you always this discreet with your clients, Irene? It's a wonder you haven't been sued into oblivion already!

IRENE  
Oh, I'm extremely discreet with my clients, John. But Sherlock was never one of my clients, now, was he?

  
John looks like he's about to blow a gasket. Sherlock has finally lost his patience.

SHERLOCK  
(yelling)  
John! Irene! Enough, you two! I can't work with this constant bickering.  
(after a sigh)  
I have a mind to turn you both out of the room right now. Now, do be quiet.  
(frowning at the sex toy cabinet)  
There's nothing here. Too sanitized. Let's check the bed.

Sherlock moves over to the bed and starts sniffing the headboard.

IRENE  
You'll find nothing. The sheets are changed and everything is cleaned thoroughly after every use.

SHERLOCK  
(sniffing hard)  
You've missed a spot.

  
Despite their earlier tiff, John's and Irene's curiosity draw them to the spot Sherlock points out on the headboard.

  
SHERLOCK  
Fingerprints, smelling faintly chemically...  
(sniffing at them again)  
But also like cosmetics, somehow?

  
Sherlock reaches into his coat and pulls out a small case. He hands it to John who begins opening it without a word. Irene watches everything with fascination. Sherlock dons exam gloves. Using tweezers, John hands Sherlock small pieces of clear film and Sherlock presses them gently onto the fingerprints. 

SHERLOCK  
Irene, we will take these to the lab and analyze them for cocaine and whatever else is on them. I know it isn't much, but it's the only lead we have at the moment.

John hands Sherlock the tweezers and Sherlock carefully peels the film with the collected fingerprints off the headboard. Sherlock drops them into vials that John holds out for him. John gently packs up the vials and materials and hands the case back to Sherlock. They really do work well as a team.

  
SHERLOCK  
I should examine the bathroom your clients use as well.

IRENE  
Right this way.

JOHN  
I'll wait for you in the foyer. 

  
Sherlock turns and looks quizzically at John, but John is already hurrying out of the room. Sherlock and Irene share a look.

SHERLOCK  
(low but firm)  
You were a bit hard on him, don't you think?

  
Irene faces Sherlock, standing her ground.

IRENE  
I already know how much stock you take in your relationship with John, I can see it all over your stupid face. I needed assurance that John also treats it with all the seriousness it deserves.

SHERLOCK  
I'm sure you could have found a less abrasive way to go about it, Irene... but what did you ascertain, if you don't mind me asking?

IRENE  
(with a grim smile)  
He is very protective of you, darling.

SHERLOCK  
(quietly, seriously)  
And I am very protective of him. See to it that you never behave that way towards him ever again.

IRENE  
Oh my! Look who is asserting dominance all of a sudden, my dear Sherlock!  
(chuckling)  
A bit of a role reversal?

SHERLOCK  
On the contrary, Ms. Adler. You of all people know that the submissive holds all the power.

  
Irene frowns, bested.

IRENE  
And who holds the power in your relationship with John, I'd like to know.

SHERLOCK  
We share it.

(gathering self together)  
Now, I must investigate the guest bath before John gets antsy and sets off the fire alarm again. It didn't go so well for us last time.

  
Sherlock nods to her and exits.

  
IRENE  
(calling after him)  
Oh Mr. Holmes!

Sherlock re-enters looking annoyed, but curious despite himself.

IRENE  
You know I have an odd way of showing that I care.

SHERLOCK  
(softening)  
I know, Irene. You took great care of me at a particularly low point in my life... perhaps the lowest. For that, I will be eternally grateful to you. 

Irene’s stony expression holds firm, but she's nonetheless satisfied to hear this. Sherlock nods to her again before exiting.  
Irene composes herself and exits soon after.

INT. IRENE'S FOYER - A FEW MINUTES LATER

John, indeed bored, meanders about. He spies a basket on a credenza filled with small bottles of lotion, like the kind you find at hotels. Curious, he picks up a bottle and inspects the label. He opens the bottle and sniffs it; he likes the scent. He hears footsteps and immediately puts the bottle back. Sherlock and Irene walk in. 

SHERLOCK  
John and I are off to the lab. We’ll let you know what we find.  
(frowning deeply)  
It is so little to go on... but we'll get to the bottom of this.

IRENE  
Yes, please do.  
(looking legitimately worried)  
The last thing I want to do is go into hiding again.

JOHN  
We'll do all we can to make sure that doesn't have to happen.

SHERLOCK  
Goodbye, Irene.

  
Sherlock opens the front door. John points to the lotion basket.

  
JOHN   
May I?

Irene waves at it dismissively.

IRENE  
Help yourself. Take as many as you'd like. An overseas client of mine gifted them to me and I've been trying to get rid of them, offering them to my guests. Marta loves the stuff but it's not to my liking.

John takes two bottles.

JOHN  
Thank you.

He hurries after Sherlock who is already out the door.

IRENE  
Goodbye, Dr. Watson

JOHN  
Yep, bye.

Irene walks over and closes the door behind John with a disgruntled sigh.

  
EXT. IRENE'S TOWNHOUSE - CONTINUOUS

  
Sherlock hurries down the steps and across the pathway, texting furiously. John follows, but stops at the bottom of the steps to squeeze some lotion out on his hands. He sniffs it again and rubs it into his hands. Sherlock turns to John.

  
SHERLOCK  
(impatiently)  
Quickly please, John!

Sherlock catches a whiff of something and inhales deeply. His eyes widen in surprise.

SHERLOCK  
John?!

John looks at him startled. Sherlock rushes back to him and grabs John's hands, sniffing them all over. He dives into John's pocket after the bottles of lotion.

JOHN  
(annoyed)  
Wha -- careful, Sherlock!

Sherlock ignores John and opens a bottle in a rush. He sniffs it deeply and smiles.

SHERLOCK  
(bellowing)  
Ms. Adler!

Irene opens the door and joins them at the bottom of the steps.

IRENE  
What is it? What did you find?

Sherlock holds up the bottle and John's hand. 

SHERLOCK  
Under this cloying floral fragrance John enjoys so much is...

Sherlock sniffs John's hand, to John's immense embarrassment.

SHERLOCK  
It has a slight sulfuric acid burn and...  
(sniffs again)  
Bleach... Irene, the client who sent the lotions, where are they from? No! Don't tell me.

Sherlock sniffs John's hand powerfully again. John and Irene watch him with great interest: both are big fans of Sherlock's deductive abilities.

SHERLOCK  
Peruvian cocaine.

IRENE  
(darkly)  
Rojas! That little bastard!

SHERLOCK  
Oh, don't be too hard on this Rojas person. I stand by my hunch that this is an accidental framing.  
(wheels turning)  
A cosmetics firm as a cover for a cocaine processing plant, sounds pretty handy, don't you think? An unexpected raid causing them to dump their illicit product INTO their benign products...  
(holding up bottle)  
In these! And probably in their entire line of cosmetics on that particularly fateful day... I imagine there are several people out there who are now quite addicted to their new Peruvian lipstick. No wonder "Rojas" so generously dumped a load of lotion on you, as well as probably dozens and dozens of his unsuspecting friends and colleagues.

JOHN  
(worried)  
Sherlock, am I going to have an overdose?

  
Sherlock is texting wildly again.

  
SHERLOCK  
With the little amount you just put on your hands? No. But for Marta and Irene's other clients who use it habitually... very possibly. That's why we are going to Barts to find out.

JOHN  
Barts?

SHERLOCK  
I’ll require more equipment than I currently have at home, and I assume Irene would appreciate that we refrain from involving the police at this juncture --

IRENE  
You assume correctly.

SHERLOCK  
So, we’ll not use the police for now. And as it turns out, Molly may have some candidates who won't mind participating in some topical drug testing.

JOHN  
You want to experiment on corpses?

SHERLOCK  
(sighing)  
If you prefer that I find live subjects, I'm sure Bill Wiggins can rustle up some volunteers for us.

JOHN  
Uh, nooo. Not unless it is strictly necessary.

SHERLOCK  
Irene, that reminds me...

Sherlock scampers back into the house while John and Irene watch him in awe.

IRENE  
(calling after)  
Reminds you what?  
(to John)  
Well, I told you you'd prove useful on the case.

JOHN  
(furrowing brow)  
I don't do casework anymore, as it turns out.

IRENE  
Hmm, I see. You may not physically join him on cases anymore... but he still comes to you quite often for advice, does he not?

JOHN  
Just the art fencing one... and the one with the carpet stain... and the one with the fairy lights spelling out a death threat...

John looks up at Irene, realizing she's right. She cocks an eyebrow at him in response.  
Sherlock emerges with his pockets bulging with lotion bottles.

SHERLOCK  
I took all I could. I could send one of the Homeless Network around later to collect the rest.

IRENE  
Yes, please do. I don't want that rubbish in my house anymore, although Marta will be sorely disappointed.

SHERLOCK  
Irene, I know you don't want your name tied to this...

IRENE  
Exactly true.

SHERLOCK  
But it would be helpful if someone in the British government with international connections knew about it so that he could ensure that these contaminated cosmetic products are taken off the shelves before they poison thousands of unsuspecting people. 

IRENE  
(nodding)  
I presume Mycroft will be discreet.

SHERLOCK  
He will.  
(smiling)  
Thank you, Irene.

IRENE  
(smiling back)  
Now begone. You have work to do, detective. You too, Dr. Watson.

Sherlock rushes down the path. John nods to Irene before hustling after Sherlock.

INT. BARTS LABORATORY - LATER SAME DAY

Lotion bottles litter the table top. Samples have been tested and analyzed: some still give off smoke and fumes. Sherlock looks into a microscope. John, arms folded, stands nearby watching him.

  
SHERLOCK  
It is definitely cocaine, and in a concentration higher than I would have expected.

Molly enters carrying a tray covered by a towel. Nazir follows close behind.

SHERLOCK  
Ah! There you two are!

MOLLY  
Hi!

NAZIR  
Woo! It smells like you've been hard at work in here, Holmes. 

Sherlock quirks up a smile at her.

JOHN  
Hi, Molly. Hello, AJ.  
(tactfully but unsure)  
Sorry... it was my understanding that Scotland Yard wasn't going to be involved?

NAZIR  
Oh, I'm not here in a police capacity at the moment.

JOHN  
(confused)  
So, you're hanging out at Barts on a Saturday just for funsies?

  
Sherlock grins knowingly and returns to looking into the microscope. Molly and Nazir shoot awkward glances at each other. John watches them, as confused as ever.  
Nazir picks up a bottle, ready to change the subject. 

NAZIR  
So... cocaine contaminating the lotion, eh? Do we know where it originates?

SHERLOCK  
(with a wry smile)  
Can you deduce?

Nazir examines the bottle.

NAZIR  
Our usual suspects are Columbia, Bolivia, and Peru...The label is written in English and Spanish, which supports that theory...

SHERLOCK  
Yes, go on.

She opens the bottle and sniffs.

NAZIR  
I don't smell gasoline... so probably not Columbian?  
(sniffs again)  
Very bleachy... Peru!

SHERLOCK  
Very good, Nazir.

Molly beams up at Nazir, impressed. Nazir looks chuffed, but then turns serious.

NAZIR  
We've been having a lot of problems with a Peruvian drug ring setting up shop north of London...   
(waving bottle around)   
This could be immensely helpful.

SHERLOCK  
I'm fairly certain my source isn't interested in cooperating with law enforcement.

JOHN  
(scoffing)  
Yeah, good luck with that.

NAZIR  
These drug rings get violent and destructive in a hurry, Sherlock... we'd be preventing a lot of lives from getting ruined.

SHERLOCK  
I plan on telling Mycroft about the situation. His people will take it on and ensure my source's immunity in the process. I'm not certain your department can offer them the same amount of protection.

NAZIR  
(a bit steamed)  
But Scotland Yard's got jurisdiction in --

MOLLY  
Could we see how much damage the lotion does first before we fight over who gets to take down drug lords, please?

SHERLOCK  
Quite right. Have you brought in the volunteer?  
(eying the tray Molly’s holding)  
They seem rather small, Molly.

  
Molly sets down the tray on the table. Everyone gathers around. She takes off the towel with a flourish. A severed arm lies beneath. John and Nazir take a step back. Molly smiles happily, but notices John and Nazir's reticence.

MOLLY  
I didn't sever it myself. It came in this way.

JOHN  
Where's the rest of the body?

MOLLY  
Back in the morgue... arrived this morning in a few pieces. It's your lucky day, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
Isn't it though? Let's get started, shall we?

  
Nazir, Sherlock, and Molly all put on fresh gloves and masks. John paces a bit behind them, looking ill at ease.

NAZIR  
Okay, so how do we go about determining how quickly the drug’ll get absorbed by the skin?

MOLLY  
I have some ideas...

JOHN  
(looking at watch)  
Sherlock, it’s getting late. I'm going to go. I need to relieve Mrs. Hudson and feed Rosie dinner.

SHERLOCK  
Oh, okay, John.  
(excitedly)  
Molly, I was thinking about...

  
John walks out the door while Sherlock, Nazir, and Molly fall to discussing how to conduct their experiment on the arm. Molly catches sight of John leaving, and gets a worried look on her face. Molly nudges Sherlock.

MOLLY  
Sherlock, John didn't look happy when he left.

SHERLOCK  
That's just his face, Molly. Resting grumpy face.

MOLLY  
Sherlock, he accompanied you on a case today, which he never does, and you didn't even give him a proper thanks or goodbye.

SHERLOCK  
(looking lost)  
Do you think I should go after him?

NAZIR  
Yeah, mate. And you better hurry.

  
Molly nods in agreement. Sherlock strips off his gloves and mask and grabs his coat.

SHERLOCK  
Won't be a moment.

  
Molly and Nazir watch him dash out. 

NAZIR  
You're a good friend to him, Molly.

It is Molly's turn to look chuffed as Nazir regards her with affection.

EXT. BARTS - A FEW MINUTES LATER

John walks down the pavement, closing his coat against the cold and dark. Sherlock runs up.

SHERLOCK  
John!

John turns and waits for Sherlock to catch up.

JOHN  
I really do need to go, Sherlock. Mrs. Hudson has been watching Rosie for hours and she needs a break.

Sherlock stands close to John for warmth and intimacy.

SHERLOCK  
I know. I just wanted to say thank you for joining me on the case today.

JOHN  
Sherlock...

John busies himself buttoning up Sherlock's coat for him and making sure Sherlock's scarf is tucked inside. Sherlock gives John a kiss.

SHERLOCK  
I've missed this, John. Going on cases with you.

John smiles sadly. 

  
JOHN  
I can't... This was a one-time thing. I can't go on cases with you anymore.

Sherlock looks crushed. So does John, for that matter.

JOHN  
Sherlock, don't expect too much from me.

John concentrates hard and gathers the courage to say his piece. He inhales deeply.

JOHN  
After Mary died, after all the drinking, after all my destructive behavior, after neglecting my infant daughter for months and letting near strangers take care of her, after nearly being killed by Eurus several times in one day…

Sherlock nods in gentle encouragement. John rarely divulges this much about himself at one go, and Sherlock doesn't want to ruin it.

JOHN  
After all that, I made a vow to myself to give up dangerous things. My addiction to dangerous things. I needed to do it for Rosie's sake. And for my own. I can't let Rosie become an orphan like Mary was. I can't. I want to be a better parent to her than my own were.

SHERLOCK  
(tearing up)  
You owe that to Rosie and yourself.

JOHN  
I do. That's why I can't go running after you into dangerous situations anymore. As much as I want to... and God help me, I really want to... I can't.   
(gesturing towards Barts)  
That's why you have Nazir.

SHERLOCK  
(joking slightly)  
She's not quite as much fun.

This makes John smile, giving him a sense of relief after his big speech. 

JOHN  
(cheekily)  
Yes, well... we have discovered some other ways to have fun together, haven't we? 

John grins naughtily up at Sherlock. Sherlock smiles back.

SHERLOCK  
I suppose you're right.

JOHN  
Anyway, who wants to spend twenty-four hours a day with their significant other, hm?

The sudden soft look on Sherlock's face seems to say he begs to differ. John gently grabs Sherlock by the lapels of his coat.

JOHN  
There's at least one dangerous thing I haven't been able to give up...  
(pulling Sherlock's lapels so their faces line up)  
Nor do I want to.

John kisses Sherlock with adoration. He lets go of Sherlock's coat reluctantly.

JOHN  
Goodbye Sherlock. Go solve a mystery for me.

SHERLOCK  
Goodbye John.

John walks away down the pavement. Sherlock watches him go for a few moments before turning back to Barts.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM – THAT NIGHT

Sherlock enters the dark and quiet flat.

SHERLOCK  
John?

He looks for John in the front rooms and peers into the kitchen. No luck. 

  
INT. SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - LATER

Sherlock in pajamas reads in bed on his phone. He tilts his head when he hears John's cough and rustling over the baby monitor. He quickly jots off a text to John, it reads:   
IF UP COME JOIN ME.

Sherlock listens for more noise. First nothing. Then a small groan and footsteps from upstairs. Sherlock plugs in his mobile and dims the lights. John enters groggily.

JOHN  
I'm exhausted, Sherlock...

SHERLOCK  
I know. Just come sleep.

Sherlock lifts the duvet for John who crawls in bed. Sherlock snuggles up next to him and sighs happily. They are quiet for a moment. 

JOHN  
I'm sorry I'm such a jealous prick. She always riles me up.

Sherlock snuggles even closer.

SHERLOCK  
You may be a jealous prick, but I am a possessive one. And a show off. I may have wanted to flaunt our relationship a bit.

JOHN  
(yawning)  
And how do you think that went?

SHERLOCK  
Errrrr. Not well. Ms. Adler got a bit snippy. 

JOHN  
Hmph.

John yawns again and seems to fall asleep. Then he begins to snicker.

  
SHERLOCK  
What? What now?

JOHN  
You actually called out my name during sex with her?

SHERLOCK  
(embarrassed)  
Hush now.

John giggles.

JOHN  
More than once?

SHERLOCK  
Shh, shh. You're exhausted, remember? Go to sleep.

John giggles again, prompting Sherlock to giggle, too.

SHERLOCK  
(whispering)  
Yes. Yes, I did. Now sleep.

After a bit more giggling, they finally settle into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m happy to get this out in time for the holidays. Happy Holidays, everyone. I hope to have the next chapter for you February 2021.  
> As always, thank you for reading.


	17. Toy Exploration and Dirty Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Irene's armory of sex toys, John takes stock of Sherlock's more modest collection. An afternoon of sexual exploration and soul-searching pillow talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut Alert for the entire chapter. They are a couple of horny fools, bless their hearts.

  
INT. 221B BAKER STREET - SITTING ROOM - AFTERNOON

  
John enters through the door and walks to the center of the sitting room.

JOHN  
Hello? Anyone home? Sherlock?

John strips his coat off and throws it on his chair. He walks into the kitchen.

JOHN  
(hollering down back hall)  
Sherlock? You there?

John walks back into the sitting room and exhales in disappointment. He happens to look over at the bookshelf. Something on the top shelf catches his eye. He walks over to the shelf and tries to reach up for it. No luck.

JOHN  
Damn it, Sherlock.

John carries a chair over to the bookshelf. He steps on the chair and retrieves Sherlock’s shopping bag full of sex toys from the shelf. He shakes the bag and peers into it. He looks at the clock on the mantle and purses his lips in thought. 

Making a decision, he jumps off the chair, returns it to its spot, scoops up his laptop from the table and carries it along with the shopping bag out through the kitchen.

INT. SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

John sits cross-legged on the bed with his reading glasses, typing on his laptop. Next to him is a towel laid out with a row of sex toys carefully lined up by size: small butt plug, larger plug, small vibrating dildo, large dildo.

John picks up the smaller dildo, observes it closely as he flips it on and off, then replaces it carefully. He types into the laptop, conducting research on it with a serious expression on his face.

When he hears footsteps in the hallway, he startles and slams down the laptop lid.

JOHN  
(hissing)  
Shit! Shit! Shit!

John scurries to cover the toys. Sherlock enters the room. John looks very guilty sitting in the middle of the bed.

SHERLOCK  
John?

JOHN  
Hi! Hi, I... er... didn't know you were home.

SHERLOCK  
(suspiciously)  
What are you doing?

JOHN  
I had a half day at the clinic --

SHERLOCK  
I am aware of your schedule, John. What I am trying to comprehend is what exactly you are doing in here at the moment.

John shrugs. Sherlock narrows his eyes and slowly walks around the room in full detective mode. John watches him nervously. Sherlock picks up the shopping bag off the floor.

JOHN  
(under breath)  
Damn it.

The corners of Sherlock's mouth quirk up in a grin and he reaches for the towel. Despite John's feeble attempts to stop him, Sherlock uncovers the sex toys.

JOHN  
I was just researching how they worked...

SHERLOCK  
(pointing to night stand)  
Oh, just "researching" were you? Is that why you have the lube and condoms all ready to go, hmm?

JOHN  
I...

SHERLOCK  
(smirking)  
Show me your research, please.

  
John opens his laptop. Sherlock kneels on the bed behind John, looking over John's shoulder.

JOHN  
See this one...

SHERLOCK  
Uh-huh. Interesting.

Sherlock replaces John's hands on the computer, typing and reading with impressive speed. When finished, Sherlock jumps off the bed and begins pacing.

SHERLOCK  
Why the sudden interest in all these, John?  
(the answer hits him)  
Ohh, our little visit to Ms. Adler's... Yes, now it's all perfectly clear. You were inspired by her collection.

John looks embarrassed. Sherlock picks up a toy and examines it. He frowns.

SHERLOCK  
(pouting)  
Were you really going to experiment without me? That hardly seems fair. They're my toys after all...  
(sighing)  
And I do enjoy experimenting.

John remains silent, watching Sherlock. Sherlock picks up a different toy, examines it, and strokes it a bit seductively. His frown disappears.

SHERLOCK  
I'd very much like to try these out on you John. Experiment. Perhaps write up a detailed report after.

John flushes and licks his lips.

JOHN  
(enticingly)  
Only if I get to experiment on you, too.

Sherlock freezes and frowns. He slowly begins putting the toys back in the shopping bag.

SHERLOCK  
Good point. Yes, let's wait until a time when we are both ready for this kind of experimentation.

John, alarmed, hesitates but then puts his hand on Sherlock's arm to keep him from placing the next toy back in the bag. 

JOHN  
No. Stop. It's okay. Just experiment on me today.

Sherlock looks at him surprised.

SHERLOCK  
Are you sure?

JOHN  
Yeah. Let's do this, Sherlock.

John takes all the toys back out of the bag and lines them up on the towel as before.

  
SHERLOCK  
Okay then.

JOHN  
But let's have some ground rules here. There will be condoms, lube, and wipes at the ready...

  
Sherlock dashes to the side table to retrieve the items. He tosses them on the bed with the toys.

SHERLOCK  
Condoms?

JOHN  
Yes, they go on the toys.

SHERLOCK  
John, the toys can all be easily cleaned off. The salesperson at the sex shop said as much --

JOHN  
(snippy)  
I don't care. This is the price of admission to my backside, Sherlock. Understood?

SHERLOCK  
(swallowing)  
Understood. What else?

John surveys the toys. Sherlock stands nearby.

JOHN  
I figured we'd start with the smallest one and move our way up.  
(waving large dildo)  
We may not even get to this one today. Is that clear?

SHERLOCK  
Absolutely. Excellent. Let's get a wiggle on.

JOHN  
Nope. Wait. We need a safeword.

SHERLOCK  
A safeword?

JOHN  
(rolling eyes)  
Oh, please. Like you don't know what a safeword is. 

SHERLOCK  
Couldn't you just say stop when you need me to?

JOHN  
(shaking head)  
Not good enough. We need something that will bring things to a stop immediately.

They both think hard.

SHERLOCK  
Vatican Cameos?

JOHN  
(gruffly)  
Jesus.

SHERLOCK  
What? It would definitely bring things to an immediate stop.

JOHN  
You aren't wrong there. Well, as safewords go, it's bloody awful. But we'll use it for now. And let's just pray we don't have to resort to it, all right?

SHERLOCK  
Deal!

John rises from the bed and stands in front of Sherlock, smiling at him awkwardly.

JOHN  
So...

SHERLOCK  
(returning awkward smile)  
So... where to we begin?

JOHN  
Let's ditch some of these clothes.

  
John begins to unbutton Sherlock's shirt.

SHERLOCK  
I'm not the one that needs to be naked though.

JOHN  
Oh no. No. We aren't going to have you fully dressed and sticking who knows what up my arse. I don't care if that's your biggest fantasy or what...

Sherlock blushes. John glowers.

JOHN  
If I'm naked, you're naked.

Sherlock wastes no time stripping naked. 

JOHN  
Oh, I see, okay...

Then Sherlock makes short work of undressing John. He finishes by taking off John's reading glasses and giving John a kiss.

SHERLOCK  
Now what? We begin with the smallest one correct?

JOHN  
Uh, yeah...  
(grabs a wipe)  
I'm going to duck into the bathroom and freshen up down there. 

Sherlock nods and John disappears into the bathroom. Sherlock busies himself clearing off the bed and putting a condom on the small butt plug.   
John emerges from the bathroom and smiles shyly.

JOHN  
Hi.  
SHERLOCK  
(smiling back)  
Hello again. Come. On the bed, on your hands and knees, please.

John does so, and Sherlock kneels behind John's bum. Sherlock proceeds to knead and massage it.

JOHN  
I didn't realize this was part of the plan.

SHERLOCK  
This and more.

Sherlock kisses both of John's ass cheeks and then moves to kissing along John's cleft. John gives out little appreciative moans. Sherlock finally reaches John's hole and gives it a lick.

JOHN  
(gasping)  
Oh God!

Sherlock moans in response and licks some more. And more.

JOHN  
Jesus, Sherlock... this is fucking... ahhhh!

SHERLOCK  
(coming up for air)  
Hmm. Since you seem to like it so much, we'll schedule a full session of analingus in the future. But today...  
(picking up the small butt plug)  
We have other plans.

JOHN  
(catching breath)  
Right.

Sherlock looks at the toy with confusion and consults the laptop. Flipping the toy around, he lines it up with John's arsehole.

JOHN  
(looking over his shoulder)  
Lubricant, Sherlock!

SHERLOCK  
(blinking)  
Right. Sorry. Here we go.

Sherlock lubricates the toy.

SHERLOCK  
Ready?

JOHN  
As ready as I'll ever be. Slow and gentle, please.

Sherlock complies, inserting the toy gently as John inhales through his teeth before relaxing.

SHERLOCK  
Are you okay?

JOHN  
Yep. Just getting used to it.

John lets out a big breath. Sherlock watches him carefully.

SHERLOCK  
How does it feel?

JOHN  
Rather comfortable actually.

SHERLOCK  
(with a little disappointment)  
The website said it should stimulate the prostate.

JOHN  
Hmm. Nope. Not really.

SHERLOCK  
Maybe if I...

Sherlock gives the toy a small twist. John's knees nearly buckle.

JOHN  
Oh God! There it is.  
SHERLOCK  
Ah good. Now I just flip the switch.

The vibrating component of the toy buzzes to life. John's knees really do buckle this time. He buries his face in the duvet.

JOHN  
Oh my God!! Sherlock!

SHERLOCK  
What? Not good?

JOHN  
No! Too good! You need to turn it off right now!

Sherlock quickly turns it off and then lies down next to John, looking at his face with interest and concern.

SHERLOCK  
What happened?

JOHN  
(with ragged breath)  
It was just loads of stimulation on my prostate at once. It would have made me come in a matter of seconds. And I'd like our session to go a little longer than that, if you don't mind.

SHERLOCK  
As would I.

While John recovers, Sherlock removes the butt plug from John's bum, disposes of the condom and cleans up. He plucks up the larger metal butt plug.

SHERLOCK  
You're in luck. This one doesn't vibrate.

JOHN  
(with trepidation)  
Yeah, but it's much bigger. And heavy.

SHERLOCK  
Very true. But the tapering should help with the insertion process.  
(with a cocked eyebrow)  
Are you game?

JOHN  
(exhaling a sigh)  
I suppose. But please remember to be gentle while you insert that bloody thing, will ya?

SHERLOCK  
Obviously.

  
Sherlock gives it a fresh condom and a generous amount of lubricant.

SHERLOCK  
Assume the position, Dr Watson.

John returns to his hands and knees. Sherlock gets the butt plug in position.

SHERLOCK  
Ready?

  
John nods.

SHERLOCK  
Here goes...

  
Sherlock inserts it carefully as John coughs out a series of moans.

SHERLOCK  
John! After the initial push it went right in on its own accord!

John moans again and sways his hips back and forth. Sherlock's breath hitches as he watches one of his partner's favorite body parts in action.

SHERLOCK  
How does that one feel?

JOHN  
Ohhh. Amazing. I'm so stretched... I feel so full.

  
John collapses on his belly and then rolls to his back. John's penis is standing straight up. Sherlock's eyes pop when he sees it.

SHERLOCK  
I see it has given you quite the erection.

Sherlock runs a hand lightly along John's length and John writhes under Sherlock's touch. John beckons to Sherlock with a crooked finger.

JOHN  
(huskily)  
Come here.

  
Sherlock leans down over him. John gives Sherlock a deep lusty kiss. John's hands roam over Sherlock, including Sherlock's growing erection.

SHERLOCK  
(finally pulling away)  
Note to self. The large butt plug makes you aroused, needy, and wanton.

JOHN  
I believe you could help relieve me of my neediness and wantonness.

SHERLOCK  
No, I rather think it best if we try one more toy, don't you?

  
Sherlock reaches down to pull out the butt plug, causing John to yelp.

JOHN  
(angered)  
Watch it Sherlock! You can't go yanking those things out so quickly. If you don't go more carefully, it’s going to be Vatican Cameos. Do you understand?

Sherlock stands frozen at the end of the bed holding the offending toy.

SHERLOCK  
(chastened)  
Apologies John. I was just a bit overzealous. Truly, sorry. Really.

  
Sherlock looks beseechingly at John who now has other things on his mind. Lying back, John watches Sherlock through heavy-lidded eyes and with a randy smirk on his face. John's hand drifts down to lazily stroke his own cock.

JOHN  
(sexily)  
It's hot seeing you flustered like this, Sherlock.

Sherlock blushes and looks down at his own massive erection.

SHERLOCK  
(to self)  
I can barely keep up with you, John.  
(to John)  
Shall I continue with the toys?

JOHN  
(playfully)  
Yes, you idiot.

Sherlock hurries to prep a small purple dildo.

SHERLOCK  
I’ve been looking forward to this one in particular. The sales clerk went to great lengths explaining how it could be used to stimulate one's partner externally or internally.

JOHN  
Sounds lovely.

SHERLOCK  
So, do you want to be back on your hands and knees, or...

JOHN  
I'll stay like this, face up. I like watching you work.  
(provocatively)  
I've always enjoyed watching you work.

  
Sherlock nearly swoons at this unexpected praise.

SHERLOCK  
(deeply)  
Right. We'll start with the perineum.

Sherlock turns the vibrator on and John spreads his bent legs open even more.

JOHN  
I've never had my perineum massaged before.

SHERLOCK  
And I've never given one. A day of firsts for both of us. Let's begin.

  
Sherlock kneels on the bed between John's legs and gingerly holds John's cock and bollocks back as he applies the vibrator.

JOHN  
(closing eyes with pleasure)  
Hmm. Very nice.

SHERLOCK  
"Nice"? Only "nice"?

JOHN  
Nice can be okay too.

SHERLOCK  
Not when you are trying to give your boyfriend a mind-blowing orgasm, it's not. 

JOHN  
(mischievously)   
Well then, I suppose that means you'll just have to put it in me, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock flushes at the connotation. John can't help but smirk, but then grows nervous.

JOHN  
Slowly and carefully, that is. And I'm not sure I'll be able to take the whole thing... I don't have a lot of experience in this area.

SHERLOCK  
Understood.

  
Sherlock double checks the position of the condom and adds a generous amount of lubricant to the dildo. John, still lying down, cranes his neck to watch.

SHERLOCK  
We'll start with the vibration off. Perhaps we'll add it later, don't you think? Now spread your legs a little wider for me... thank you.   
(deepening voice)  
Now, just a little at a time.

As Sherlock inserts the toy an inch, John's head falls back on the pillow with pleasure.

SHERLOCK  
Everything okay?

JOHN  
Oh yeah.

SHERLOCK  
Then we'll try a bit more.

Sherlock pulls the dildo almost all the way out and then pushes it back in John's hole a little deeper. John moans in response. Sherlock continues this, pulling it nearly all the way out and pushing it in a fraction of an inch deeper each time.

JOHN  
Mmmm... Sherlock. This is... ahhh.

  
With a free hand, Sherlock reaches over for the container of lube, drizzling it onto John's erection. Sherlock begins working his hand up and down John's shaft all while maintaining the shallow thrusts in John's anus with the dildo.

JOHN  
Oh my God!

John reaches down and rubs Sherlock's arm in appreciation as he watches Sherlock work on him from both ends.

JOHN  
This is going to make me come...

SHERLOCK  
Not quite yet. I'd very much like to find your prostate first, so let me know when I locate it...

  
Sherlock begins experimenting with different angles of the dildo all while stroking John's cock from bell-end to base. John's head thrashes on the pillow and his moans grow more fervent. John suddenly tenses up.

JOHN  
Ahhh! That's it! That's the spot.

SHERLOCK  
(with impish grin)  
Excellent.

Sherlock flicks the vibrator on. John grabs Sherlock's arm tightly.

JOHN  
Shit!

Sherlock ensures that the dildo maintains contact with John's prostate. He continues lightly stroking John's erection and leans over to lick some pre-cum from John's tip. John's cock twitches against Sherlock's mouth.

JOHN  
(whispering desperately)  
Oh Sherlock!

SHERLOCK  
You look absolutely delicious, John. I'd very much like to see you come like this.

Sherlock gives the head of John's penis another lick.

SHERLOCK  
Mmm. Delectable. 

Sherlock begins mouthing and sucking John's cock in earnest. His stroking takes on more force, setting a faster pace.  
John's hips snap up. John's cock thrusts into Sherlock's hand and mouth. Sherlock has to focus to keep the proper positioning of the vibrator on John's prostate as John writhes beneath him.

JOHN  
(very loudly)  
Sherlock!! Ahhhh!!

  
With one final hip thrust, John ejaculates all over Sherlock's lips and hand. It spills onto his own belly and the sheets. Sherlock turns off the vibrator but otherwise holds his position while John pants and comes down from his orgasm.   
Only once John has settled does Sherlock slowly retract the toy and release his hand from John's spent cock.

SHERLOCK  
That seemed like that was a good one if the volume level of your orgasm has anything to do with it, John. 

JOHN  
Mm. It was. It really was.

SHERLOCK  
(grinning)  
Glad to hear it. 

Sherlock begins to clean up, but is surprised when John sits up.

JOHN  
Here. I'll take over. You lie down. Take my place. It's your turn.

SHERLOCK  
Really, John. That's not necessary. Today was about experimenting on you. YOUR pleasure.

JOHN  
I've been watching you tend to me for the last twenty minutes with what I can only imagine is an extremely painful hard-on, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock peers down sheepishly at his large erection.

JOHN  
I'm not about to let you suffer like that. Now, lie down. I'll go to the loo to tidy myself up.

  
Sherlock accepts John's suggestion and settles back on the bed. John tosses him the bottle of lube which Sherlock catches.

JOHN  
Get started without me. I won't be long. 

SHERLOCK  
John. Really, I'll wait.

John bends over Sherlock with a smile and kisses him heartily, licking the inside of Sherlock's mouth with an insistent tongue.

JOHN  
(breathy)  
Touch yourself... think about all the pleasure your little experimenting brought me today.

  
Sherlock closes his eyes and gives a little moan.

JOHN  
That's right. I'll be back soon.

John scoops up the sex toys in a towel and hurries to the bathroom and closes the door. Sherlock can hear the water running.  
Sherlock lubes up and begins lightly massaging his erection.   
John emerges from the bathroom with the now-clean toys in tow. He sets them on the dresser. Sherlock sits up and rests his back against the headboard as John approaches. John crawls onto the bed and places his hands on the headboard on either side of Sherlock’s face and kisses Sherlock deeply. John smiles and sits back on his haunches between Sherlock's spread legs. He looks down and watches Sherlock masturbating, then grabs the lube and slicks up his own hands. John's hands join Sherlock's on his hard cock. For a moment four hands work Sherlock's balls, shaft, and tip before Sherlock lets John's skillful hands take over.

SHERLOCK  
Remember John. Keep it light. I can't handle too much pressure.

JOHN  
I'll remember.

Sherlock lets himself relax as John works.

JOHN  
(enticingly)  
Sherlock... the toys are washed, in case you've changed your mind about trying any of them out today.

Sherlock tenses up a bit.

SHERLOCK  
I'll pass.

JOHN  
They were a lot of fun, Sherlock. Very fun. I think you might like them. 

John gives the bell-end of Sherlock's erection a little teasing lick. Sherlock closes his eyes with pleasure.

JOHN  
What if we use the vibrator externally? A nice massage...

John follows up with a few more licks to Sherlock's cock. It quivers against John's mouth.

SHERLOCK  
Ah!

JOHN  
What do you say Sherlock? On this day of experimentation? Up for trying something new?

SHERLOCK  
Yes.

JOHN  
(surprised)  
Yes?

Sherlock nods.

JOHN  
What would you like to try?

SHERLOCK  
Your finger in my arse.

JOHN  
(very surprised)  
Oh! Really? Er...

Before Sherlock can change his mind, John dives to the side table and takes out a glove. He snaps it on his right hand and grabs the lube. He looks back at Sherlock and suddenly pauses. Sherlock's expression is one of nervousness and uncertainty.

JOHN  
We don't have to do this Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
But I want to.

John kneels next to Sherlock on the bed and gingerly moves an errant curl from Sherlock's forehead. John gives Sherlock's cheekbone a soft kiss. He follows up with another soft kiss to Sherlock's neck.

JOHN  
You can tell me to go slower or stop whenever you need. Vatican Cameos aren't just for me, you know.

  
Sherlock nods in understanding. John rubs a hand across Sherlock's chest and rests it above Sherlock's heart, checking for an irregular heartbeat. Sherlock can't help smiling at John looking out for his health.

JOHN  
Let's get you in the mood first, shall we?

Sherlock, still leaning against the headboard, plants his feet on the bed with his knees spread apart to give John easy access. John kneels between Sherlock's legs. He adds more lube to his left hand and runs it up and down the length of Sherlock's erection. Sherlock sighs happily. John adds his mouth, working the head of Sherlock's cock with his tongue and lips. Sherlock begins gasping little moans of pleasure.

JOHN  
I'm going to start lightly massaging around the exterior of your anus, Sherlock. Tell me to stop whenever you need to, okay?

SHERLOCK  
(nodding slightly)  
I'll do so.

John first makes sure there is enough lubricant on the glove. While holding Sherlock's cock with his free hand and bathing it with his tongue, John rubs gentle circles around Sherlock's hole with his gloved hand.

SHERLOCK  
(moaning)  
Oh!

JOHN  
It's okay?

SHERLOCK  
Yeah.

JOHN  
(licking lips)  
Good.

John taps and rubs lightly over Sherlock's entrance. His other hand continues to stroke Sherlock's cock rhythmically. 

JOHN  
Sherlock... I'm going to press a fingertip inside you. Are you ready?

SHERLOCK  
(another small nod)  
Yes.

Sherlock gives out a huge moan as John pushes one fingertip into his anus. John stills both his hands to not overstimulate his partner. When Sherlock appears to have grown accustomed to it, John resumes lightly masturbating Sherlock once more. 

JOHN  
Are you all right?

Sherlock nods.

JOHN  
(with a small chuckle)  
You aren't your chatty self.

SHERLOCK  
Well, I'm rather occupied at the moment.

JOHN  
Yes, you are.

John adds a little more pressure to the hand-job, never changing his fingertip’s position in Sherlock's bum. Sherlock squeezes his eyes shut and lolls his head against the headboard with pleasure.

JOHN  
May I go a little further, Sherlock?

SHERLOCK  
Only a little more.

  
John experiments by pressing his finger a smidgen deeper into Sherlock's arse. Then a centimeter more. 

SHERLOCK  
Ah! That's far enough.

John again waits for Sherlock to grow accustomed to the sensation and the fullness. He once again resumes stroking Sherlock's cock.

JOHN  
Sherlock, permit me to move my finger around a bit?

SHERLOCK  
Carefully, John. Slowly.

JOHN  
I will.

  
True to his word, John moves his fingertip in and out of Sherlock with slow, gentle thrusts. Sherlock clutches the bedsheets in response.

SHERLOCK  
(passionately)  
Oh, John!

JOHN  
(quietly)  
It's nice, isn't it?

Sherlock can only bite his bottom lip and nod in agreement.

JOHN  
You have no idea how fucking amazing you look right now.

Sherlock, breathing heavily, squirms with delight.

SHERLOCK  
(desperately)  
John. I need your mouth on me. I want your mouth on my cock and your finger inside me.

John is happy to comply. He holds the base of Sherlock's penis with his left hand while he wraps his lips around the top. Meanwhile he continues to work the finger of his right hand in and out of Sherlock. John tries to match the rhythm of his shallow finger thrusts with the bobbing of his head on Sherlock's cock. He takes it deeper into his mouth.

SHERLOCK  
Fu... John! I'm going to come!

John raises his head and replaces his mouth with his left hand, trying to stroke Sherlock over the edge. He continues to finger Sherlock's anus, even as Sherlock's hips buck up in climax.

SHERLOCK  
Fuuuuuck!

Cum spills through John's hand and pools onto Sherlock's heaving torso. John's finger slips out of Sherlock's bum as Sherlock curls to the side, shuddering with the remainder of his aftershocks. John makes short work of stripping off the glove and wiping off his hands so that he can cuddle up to Sherlock.

JOHN  
Well done, Sherlock.

John peppers the back of Sherlock's neck with small kisses. Sherlock is still breathing too hard to speak. 

JOHN  
That was bloody brilliant.

Sherlock, his breathing finally calmed, lets out a chuckle. This makes John giggle.

JOHN  
There was so much I liked about that; I don't even know where to begin.

SHERLOCK  
Precisely.

John gets out of the bed.

JOHN  
You stay there. I'll get you a flannel. 

John makes haste to the bathroom to clean up and returns with wash cloths. He gives one to Sherlock, who begins cleaning himself up, and Jon uses the other to sop up the spills on the sheet.   
John walks over to collect the shopping bag and begins placing the sex toys back inside.

JOHN  
That was a good bout of experimentation, I'd say.

Sherlock, relaxing on the bed, hums in agreement. John picks up the large dildo that they didn't use and inspects it.

JOHN  
I'll need to do a proper cleaning before taking anything larger, if you know what I mean. 

He points the dildo at Sherlock's crotch as emphasis before dropping it into the shopping bag.

SHERLOCK  
(perplexed)  
I don't.

John gives him a questioning look.

JOHN  
Prepping, Sherlock.

Sherlock shrugs, not understanding.

JOHN  
You really don't? What do you mean, you don't?  
(reaching into bag and pulling out a box)  
You bought "his and his" enema kits, for crying out loud! 

Sherlock still has a blank look on his face.

JOHN  
(sighing)  
It's to clean out the rectum before anal sex. Surely you could figure that out.

SHERLOCK  
(annoyed)  
Look, the cashier just tossed them in the bag and said "you'll be needing these". I would have inquired more but I sensed I had outworn my welcome at the sex shop. And I would have done my own research, but after the afternoon with the little SVT episode...

JOHN   
That was no "little episode", Sherlock. An untreated heart condition can become quite --

SHERLOCK  
(getting testy)  
Yes, yes, I am a horrible person for not tending to my supposed heart condition.  
(sighing)  
As I was saying before being rudely interrupted, I paused all research in that area because it didn't seem immediately relevant to my life. Until today.

JOHN  
(slightly peeved)  
Fine. Well, at the rate we're going, I may be needing to use one of those kits rather soon.

  
John drops off the bag on the dresser.

SHERLOCK  
As will I.

  
John turns and raises an incredulous eyebrow at him.

JOHN  
Sherlock... really?

SHERLOCK  
What? Is there a problem, John?

JOHN  
Do you actually think you're ready for that?

SHERLOCK  
(indignant)  
And why not?

JOHN  
(carefully)  
Well, we've stuck quite a few things up my bum, now. And the number of things that have been up your bum can be counted on one finger... this exact finger, in fact.

SHERLOCK  
Oh, I see. My arse isn't as enticing as yours, is that it? We can't all have perfect pert arses like you, John.

JOHN  
Sherlock! We just haven't practiced much on you yet, is all.

Sherlock sits up regally and stares at John haughtily.

SHERLOCK  
Or perhaps it's because you haven't wanted to.

  
John pulls his head back in shock. Then his brows knit with growing anger.

JOHN  
This is ridiculous. You are a bit sensitive, you know.

SHERLOCK  
Yes, I'm either a "complete machine" or "a bit overly-sensitive" as people are fond to point out to me. Frankly, I think it makes me a better detective. But, let me be clear, I'm under no illusion that we have the exact same level of sexual attraction to each other.

  
John stands his ground, puts his hands on his still-naked hips, and stares down Sherlock.

JOHN  
Okay, first of all, that's not what I meant about being sensitive, and secondly, your theory is rubbish.

SHERLOCK  
(scornfully)  
It's not. Separating out our emotional attachment to each other --

JOHN  
Separating out the emotional attachment?!

SHERLOCK  
(talking over him)  
It boils down to this: I find you proper fit, as the saying goes. You find me less so. End of story.

  
John rubs his face and paces around.

JOHN  
Oh my God, this is absurd.

  
Sherlock grows crosser and doubles down on the cattiness.

SHERLOCK  
And with your track record, John, you're bound to go running after the next pretty face that turns your head.

John freezes and fixes him with an icy stare.

SHERLOCK  
(mumbling)  
Some random woman who happens to smile at you on the bus, probably my long-lost cousin in disguise, or something.

JOHN  
(livid)  
Oh really? You think this is a good time to throw my infidelity to Mary in my face?

SHERLOCK  
(heatedly)  
No, I'm just saying you like women. A lot. And it is a bit hard for me to compete with fifty percent of the world population, John.

JOHN  
(furious)  
Well, it appears that you also like women from time to time, too.  
(mimicking Irene's phone alert)  
"Ahhhhh!"

SHERLOCK  
Oh, come on! Are you that jealous?

JOHN  
Yes, I am!  
Sherlock looks at John in shock.

JOHN  
(getting calmer)  
I mean... I was.

  
Both men get quiet for a moment. John looks away and sits on the opposite end of the bed, his back to Sherlock.

  
JOHN  
(subdued)  
I don't know what you are worried about. You and your arse are plenty... desirable. 

SHERLOCK  
(sincerely)  
But is that going to be enough for you?

  
John looks over his shoulder at Sherlock with hurt in his eyes.

JOHN  
I'm having the best sex of my life Sherlock, that must count for something. 

SHERLOCK  
(bitterly)  
So when the good sex ends, you'll leave me. That's not very reassuring, John.

JOHN  
Sherlock, it's not just about the sex.

John sighs and turns to face Sherlock. Sherlock, hugging his own knees, tilts forward towards John. 

JOHN  
Do you not know how attractive you are?

SHERLOCK  
I have an inkling...

JOHN  
Not just slightly attractive. Not merely "very" attractive. Undeniably attractive. Categorically attractive.

SHERLOCK  
No need to go overboard, John, I get the picture.

JOHN  
No, I don't think you do. And it's only about looks. You have a magnetism about you.

SHERLOCK  
I think you have that wrong, John. I'm better at repelling people.

JOHN  
Fewer people than you think, Sherlock.

  
John picks lint off the duvet since making eye contact with Sherlock seems too difficult for him. 

JOHN  
I have had to endure years of witnessing both men and women fawning all over you, Sherlock.  
(listing them off on his fingers)  
Molly, Janine, Jim from IT, your hordes of fans... that one Tesco clerk... God, every damn time!

John glances at the sex toy bag on the dresser and then back to his hands.

JOHN  
... Some other people.

  
Sherlock also glances at the bag and then back at John, studying his face carefully.

SHERLOCK  
I know I'll risk sounding like your therapist, but how does it make you feel, watching these people flirt with me?

John, without realizing it, grabs a pillow to his abdomen protectively, like a shield.

JOHN  
Jealous. Raging jealousy, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
Jealous that I'm getting all the attention? Why would you? You've never had much problem getting dates, John.

JOHN  
No, that's not it.

  
Sherlock waits patiently for him to elaborate. John exhales.

JOHN  
Jealous because I wanted to be the one to be with you. I never had a claim on you, but that never stopped me from feeling like I was entitled to one. I'm sorry. It's completely irrational, I know.

SHERLOCK  
You are allowed some irrationality once in a while. Especially when it comes to jealousy.

JOHN  
(bitterly)  
Yeah, well... it was all very one-sided, wasn't it?

SHERLOCK  
John...

JOHN  
If YOU ever felt jealousy you kept it under wraps... okay, so maybe there was the occasional snarky comment to my girlfriend's face... or you showing up in the middle of my dates now and then, although half of those were case work and the rest I simply chalked up to some weird kind of fomo.

SHERLOCK  
Fomo?

JOHN  
(sighing)  
Fear of missing out.

SHERLOCK  
Oh.

JOHN  
Anyway, plenty of overly-blunt opinions about my choice of girlfriends and general annoyance with my dating life... but actual jealousy? Not really.

SHERLOCK  
(wistfully)  
You were the one that got married.

  
John is speechless. Sherlock shifts to lie down with his head in John's lap, resting his head on the pillow that John had been holding protectively moments ago. Sherlock looks up at him.

SHERLOCK  
I abandoned you for two years, of course you would find someone new to spend your time with, but I had no idea how much it would affect me, seeing you with her.

JOHN  
(confused)  
I never once detected any jealousy from you about me and Mary. You practically planned our whole wedding for us, for heaven's sake.

SHERLOCK  
(holding back emotion)  
Hm. Is that so. 

JOHN  
Sherlock, I don't understand. You were far nicer to Mary than any of my previous girlfriends. You seemed to accept her whole-heartedly.

SHERLOCK  
And she accepted me whole-heartedly, too, John. It's true, Mary and I got along. We liked each other, even.

John shifts to lying down as well, spooning Sherlock, holding him.

SHERLOCK  
(getting sadder by the moment)  
But the truth of the matter is that I left you, and you chose her. I had to accept that. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to endure. My only condolence was that you and Mary allowed me to be in your life to some degree. You let me be involved.

There is a moment of silence.

JOHN  
(sadly)  
Until I pushed you and everyone else away after her death.

SHERLOCK  
Yes. That was something. A bit hard to take, that was.  
(after pause, tearfully)  
Could we perhaps discuss this another time, if you please? It is more than I can take at the moment.

JOHN  
(whispering)  
Of course.

  
Sherlock wipes away a tear. John looks pretty choked up as well. There are a few moments of John quietly holding Sherlock.

JOHN  
I'm not quite sure how we went from fannying about with dildos to a massive heart-to-heart, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
(chuckling, wiping away more tears)  
Research shows that intense sex can bring about a strong emotional release.

  
John kisses the back of Sherlock's head affectionately.

JOHN  
Yeah, well, it gutted us both, didn't it?

SHERLOCK  
Yes, yes it did.  
(a bit playfully)  
But perhaps you could tell me again why all those people find me so attractive?

JOHN  
(smiling)  
Oh, could I? You'd like that, would you?

SHERLOCK  
Erm, yes.

JOHN  
Let's see... Cheekbones, lips, neck, luscious curls, tight shirts, seductive eyes, legs for days, nice booty if they're looking close enough... giant prick if they are really looking close enough...

SHERLOCK  
(rolling over to face John)  
Oh really?

JOHN  
Yep. All good up until you open your bloody mouth, that is.

  
Sherlock flounces back over facing away from John in a pout, and tries to butt John off the bed with his bum.

JOHN  
(annoyed but amused)  
Okay now, quit it. Quit it!

  
Sherlock continues until John is knocked on the floor. John stands up and tries to shove Sherlock over.

JOHN  
Budge up, Sherlock. Move, you git!

  
Sherlock moves over the slightest amount. John straddles Sherlock and puts his mouth close to his ear.

JOHN  
(whispering darkly)  
When you pout like this, it only makes me want to shag you silly, Sherlock Holmes. Now move over. That's an order.

Sherlock with a mischievous grin on his face, does so.

SHERLOCK  
And when you pull rank like that, it makes me want to fuck you into next week, Captain Watson.

  
John, straddling Sherlock again, bends down and finds Sherlock's mouth with his own. They kiss deeply. Sherlock rotates and lies flat on his back and embraces John, pulling him on top of him. John kisses Sherlock again, making sure there is plenty of tongue this time.

SHERLOCK  
This is arousing, John.

JOHN  
I'd say so.

SHERLOCK  
What would you say to having another go?

  
John cocks an eyebrow at Sherlock and leans over to the side table and checks the time on his phone. He looks crossly at it and sits up.

JOHN  
Can't be done, Sherlock. I didn't realize how late it's getting. I've got a load of things to do before collecting Rosie. Shower, start laundry, get dinner prepped. I hadn't counted on a marathon afternoon sex session, let alone two.

  
Sherlock sits up as well.

SHERLOCK  
What if I helped you?

JOHN  
How so?

SHERLOCK  
I go collect Rosie while you get housework done. Would that work?

John looks like he's considering it. Sherlock ponders ways to sweeten the pot.

SHERLOCK  
And we could even combine some of these activities. Perhaps we could bathe together, indulge in some hanky-panky in the process?

JOHN  
(very intrigued)  
That might work. It would save time.

SHERLOCK  
I'm a handy problem-solver, John.

JOHN  
Always scheming something...

Sherlock stands up, pulls John to his feet, and plants a kiss on his lips. He tugs John to the bathroom gleefully.

SHERLOCK  
Come, John. We need shower sex.

JOHN  
If you insist.

  
INT. BATHROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

  
John is getting wet under the shower head. Sherlock peeks over and around the shower door to spy on him.

SHERLOCK  
I like the way you look in the shower, John. All wet, and slick, and sexy. 

JOHN  
Why don't you come join me? It's a lot warmer in here.

Sherlock enters and closes the door behind him. John smiles and pulls him under the water stream and plants a big kiss on his lips. Sherlock runs his hands over John's wet skin.

SHERLOCK  
Why a haven't we had shower sex before?

JOHN  
I truly don't know.

Sherlock squirts some shampoo out onto his hand and stands before John.

SHERLOCK  
But first things first, some business to attend to...

He begins lathering up John's hair. John closes his eyes with the pleasure that only comes with someone else washing your hair for you.

SHERLOCK  
(sighing with desire)  
I didn't realize this part would be quite so arousing, John.

JOHN  
Neither did I.

Sherlock presses up against John as he continues to wash and then condition John's hair. Sherlock's erection begins to poke into John's belly. John holds onto Sherlock's hips and sways against him as his own erection grows harder, too. 

SHERLOCK  
I think we won't wash the rest of you until afterwards.

JOHN  
Good idea.

They give each other warm, wet, showery kisses as they grind against each other, becoming ever needier.  
John grabs the lube off the shower caddy and oils his hands. 

JOHN  
Sherlock, line yours up with mine.

  
Sherlock braces against the shower wall and bends his knees so their two cocks are side by side. John encircles his fingers around both their lower shafts. John uses his other hand to massage the top half of their respective cocks simultaneously. Sherlock grabs the back of John's neck gently as he takes in this new sensation.

SHERLOCK  
(gasping)  
John!

John continues stroking them as a smile plays upon his face.

JOHN  
You like this, don't you?

Sherlock has his eyes squeezed shut, but nods enthusiastically.

JOHN  
And I can go as fast or slow, as hard or soft as you want, Sherlock. 

John's thumb plays over both their slits.

JOHN AND SHERLOCK  
Aaahhh!

SHERLOCK  
John Watson, you get me so worked up.

Sherlock suddenly pulls away from John and roughly turns him around, pressing John face-first up against the shower wall. Sherlock squeezes a generous amount of lube on his right hand as well as on his cock.

  
SHERLOCK  
(sultry)  
John, permit me to frot against your arse. I would very much enjoy that. 

JOHN  
Okay, but nothing goes into my anus, do you understand me? It has had enough of a workout for one day.

SHERLOCK  
Understood.

Sherlock presses his body weight against John, pinning him to the shower wall as the water continues to cascade down them both. John puts a forearm against the shower wall for support, granting Sherlock enough access to his groin. Sherlock reaches around to grasp John's cock and begins stroking it back and forth, as he slides his own cock up and down the length of John's cleft.

SHERLOCK  
(murmuring darkly)  
I've fantasized about taking you like this... from behind, in the shower, just like this John. Just like this.

Sherlock snakes his free hand around John's chest, holding John even closer to him. John gasps.

SHERLOCK  
Can you imagine me inside you, John?

Sherlock continues to grind against him while stroking John's cock with the same rhythm.

JOHN  
(huskily)  
Jesus, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
Just imagine how good it will feel, for both of us... although this feels rather amazing, too.

John can only whimper in response.

SHERLOCK  
Shall I regale you with my other fantasies, John? About how I plan to shag you... up, down, and sideways... in every room of this fucking flat?

JOHN  
God, yes.

SHERLOCK  
Let's start with the kitchen.

JOHN  
Please do.

SHERLOCK  
Ever since the night you appeared in the kitchen doorway in your red pants, all I've wanted to do is bend you over the kitchen counter, strip off those blasted pants, and just plow right into that lovely arse of yours...

John groans with pleasure.

SHERLOCK  
(rumbling in John's ear)  
In and out... pounding you over and over... until...

John groans again and reaches back with his free hand to grab Sherlock's backside. 

SHERLOCK  
But on to the sitting room we go... in the late evenings, you and I sitting in our respective chairs happy as clams... I can't tell you the number of times I've looked over at you and wanted to pull you into my lap, onto my waiting cock, John.

  
John gasps again. Sherlock tightens his hold on John and strokes John's prick more fervently. He rolls his hips against John, swaying his erection against his posterior.

  
SHERLOCK  
(with voice ragged)  
To have you like that, on top of me, would be so exquisite.

JOHN  
God, Sherlock!

SHERLOCK  
John, you are so hard right now. I do believe you are enjoying this... I best move us onto the sofa before you nut.

JOHN  
Ah!

SHERLOCK  
Yes, the sofa... where I envision countless permutations for us... one of my absolute favorites, John, is you face down on the cushions with your tasty hindquarters up in the air, presenting yourself to me... we would have so much fun, how good it would feel... me taking you from behind like that.

JOHN  
(strained)  
Sherlock, I'm going to come!

  
Sherlock presses more into John and strokes John's cock with both hands. He grinds his own erection against John even harder.

SHERLOCK  
(low)  
Very good. You dearly love the prospect of being taken from behind like this, don't you John? The element of danger... the forcefulness... you putty in my hands... pleasured by my cock.  
(throaty)  
I savor the thought of taking you like this, too.

JOHN  
(screaming out his release)  
Ahhhhh!

  
John comes, ejaculating all over the shower wall. Sherlock holds him in place as John convulses with aftershocks. Sherlock slowly loosens his hold on John. John turns around but slumps against the wall for support. 

SHERLOCK  
May I kiss you John?

John nods, a bit breathless, and Sherlock gives him a lingering kiss.

SHERLOCK  
You recover. I'll tend to myself, thinking about...  
(waving a hand at John)  
all of that.

  
John leans against the wall, letting the shower spray patter on him, while half a meter away Sherlock lubes up his hand again and gently works his own erection. Sherlock's eyes are half-lidded, greedily roaming John's body as he touches himself.

JOHN  
You look bloody amazing like that, Sherlock... wanking off with streams of water running all down you.

Sherlock simpers.

SHERLOCK  
And you look positively scrummy right now, John. Freshly orgasmed. 

JOHN  
I should join you in the shower more often.

SHERLOCK  
Please do.

John straightens up and approaches Sherlock.

JOHN  
Perhaps I can be of some assistance?

John adds a hand to Sherlock's erection, squeezing and stroking lightly. John's other hand roams Sherlock's thighs, stomach, and chest. Sherlock leans back against the shower door, accepting John's touches.

  
SHERLOCK  
I'm not sure I'll even be able to climax, John. Twice in one day is a bit unheard of for me... it may take too long.

JOHN  
Well, let's see what we can do. 

John reaches for the lube and squirts some out on both hands. He places both hands on Sherlock's waiting cock, one hand stroking the shaft, the other lightly fondling the bell-end. Sherlock arches his body into John's hands in response.

JOHN  
You aren't the only one with fantasies, you know that, Sherlock?

SHERLOCK  
(gasping)  
Do tell.

JOHN  
Just as you did, we'll begin in the kitchen. You, in the buff, on your back, splayed out for me on the kitchen table. Those long limbs of yours reaching out wide. Are you with me so far, Sherlock?

  
Sherlock closes his eyes, throws his head back, and nods.

JOHN  
And I slowly enter you... very slowly... so that I can watch the expression on your face as I push into you a centimeter at a time... so slow... until my entire cock fills you up. Just envision that, Sherlock.

  
Sherlock gives a shuddering breath and grasps at John's shoulder.

JOHN  
Onto the sitting room...

SHERLOCK  
So soon?

JOHN  
Yes, we have many fantasies to get through, we can't afford to dawdle. Now, about having sex on our chairs...

SHERLOCK  
Yes?

JOHN  
First, I want to have you on me, on my chair. I want to feel the sensation of you straddling me, Sherlock. Those long legs of yours wrapped around me. I want to watch you lowering yourself onto my big cock, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
Oh John!

JOHN  
That's right, taking me all in... I want to feel you on my cock, I want to know how it feels to be completely inside you.

John takes a break from stroking to run his fingertips lightly along the entire length of Sherlock's erection, making Sherlock shiver.

JOHN  
What it feels like to move inside of you, Sherlock.

  
John wraps his fingers around Sherlock's prick once more.

JOHN  
And most importantly, I want to know what you'll be wearing.

SHERLOCK  
Sorry? I doubt we'll be wearing much.

JOHN  
Yes, but I suspect we'll be a little too eager to get you all the way undressed first. You'll still have one of your tight button-ups on... the sexy purple one, I think.

SHERLOCK  
Oh, you like that one, do you?

JOHN  
Yes, you have impeccable taste.

  
John leans in and kisses and licks at Sherlock's neck while gliding his hand up and down Sherlock's penis.

JOHN  
I've also fantasized about having sex on your chair, too, Sherlock. You must know how badly I want to ride that giant prick of yours... 

Sherlock palms the back of John's head while he closes his eyes to better picture the scene in his head.

JOHN  
I plan to lower myself down onto it oh so carefully... I’ll take you in bit-by-bit... down to the hilt, Sherlock... until I'm impaled on your cock.  
(moaning)  
Jesus, it makes me moan just thinking about it.

  
Sherlock gives out an involuntary moan of his own.

JOHN  
Then I’ll start sliding up and down you...

John grips a little tighter and slides both his hands up and down Sherlock's shaft excruciatingly slowly.

JOHN  
Starting off slowly... impossibly slow. Slower than you can stand it. And then increasing in speed. Alternating between quick and slow until you are whipped up into a frenzy.

John's hand movements match his words perfectly. Sherlock, indeed, is whipped up into a frenzy now.

JOHN  
(hoarsely)  
What will I be wearing Sherlock? Let's see... Something soft. Sherlock likes soft. A jumper or something.

Sherlock gasps. John smiles knowingly.

JOHN  
(murmuring in his ear)  
Which one Sherlock? Which one of my jumpers are you imagining as you shag me... or, more accurately, as I shag you... riding your cock, hmm?

SHERLOCK  
The striped black and white one.  
JOHN  
Oh, that one... it has been a while since I've worn that one. Not sure where it is?

SHERLOCK  
(quickly)  
Your closet, top shelf, storage box, left-hand side. You may want to give it a good airing before wearing it though.

JOHN  
(scolding quietly in his ear)  
Sherlock! What have I told you about going through people's things? 

SHERLOCK  
Well, we are a couple now, so that must make it okay.

John gives him a deep kiss of fondness as he strokes Sherlock's penis more firmly.

JOHN  
Now shut up, you. No more talking. You must keep your focus. Where was I? Oh yes, onto the sofa now... so much to do on the sofa.  
(giggling)  
And speaking of someone who's always presenting his arse... that's you by the way.

  
John reaches a hand to Sherlock's backside to give his bum an appreciative grope.

SHERLOCK  
What? I never!

  
JOHN  
You do.

SHERLOCK  
I do not!

JOHN  
Excuse me, you just bulldozed me off the bed with said arse!

SHERLOCK  
That I did.

JOHN  
(deeply)  
And every time you shake it my way, I want to strip off your trousers and do soft and naughty things to you for hours and hours, Sherlock.

By now, John's groping of Sherlock's ass has gotten serious. Sherlock groans loudly.

  
SHERLOCK  
John. Finger me.

  
John, completely caught off guard, stops and stares at Sherlock in wonder.

JOHN  
(truly shocked)  
What? Again? Really?

SHERLOCK  
Yes, please.

JOHN  
Are you sure? You aren't too sore from before?

SHERLOCK  
(in desperation)  
Yes. Please. Please, John. I want it. I know you'll be gentle.

JOHN  
Okay... well, let's get you properly positioned. I haven't any gloves, but I have soap and water...

Sherlock tilts forward and braces his forearms against the shower door for support. John stands to his side to better access the front and back of Sherlock simultaneously. John generously lubes up his fingers, being careful to not let the shower water wash off the lubricant. With his left hand, he resumes masturbating Sherlock. With the fingertips of his right hand, he gently massages the sensitive area around Sherlock's anus.

JOHN  
Are you ready, Sherlock?

Sherlock nods. John slowly inserts a finger. Sherlock releases a breath with pleasure. John begins probing while continuing to stroke Sherlock's cock. In this position, his eyes are close to Sherlock's face, and he can plainly see the ecstasy in Sherlock's expression.

JOHN  
(in awe)  
My God, you love this.

SHERLOCK  
Yes. I do. John... I was hoping you'd...

JOHN  
Yes, anything, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
I was hoping you would keep talking.

JOHN   
(gently kidding)  
Oh, you liked that, did you? You like a little dirty talk?

SHERLOCK  
Apparently, I do.

JOHN  
Then I'm happy to oblige.  
(pause, in thought)  
Did you enjoy experimenting on me today, Sherlock? 

Sherlock pushes his member hard into John's hand.

SHERLOCK  
Ahh!

JOHN  
Oh my. I'll take that as a yes. Let's see... today you discovered that you get off exploring my bum... sticking one thing after another up my arsehole.

John dares to press his finger deeper into Sherlock.

JOHN  
...Finding new ways to make me come with all your naughty toys, Sherlock. And God, how you made me come. How you made me come and come and come.

Sherlock whimpers.

JOHN  
(in a rough whisper)  
I liked you experimenting on me, too... and as much as I liked it, you gave ME the surprise of my life by letting me experiment on you, Sherlock. Twice even. To have you ask for it twice in one day... Lord, so greedy, Sherlock. So delightfully greedy. 

  
John groans as he sticks his finger further up Sherlock's anus and curls it, locating Sherlock's prostate. He strokes it gently. Sherlock moans loudly and his head lolls in sexual satisfaction.

JOHN  
You can't know what a lovely sensation it is to feel you like this.. to know how much pleasure it must be giving you.

Sherlock begins to rock himself against both John's hands.

JOHN  
God, look at you Sherlock. You look stunning with the water cascading down your body like this... you fucking yourself on my hands.

Sherlock pants and moans quietly as he approaches climax. John focuses on providing him the proper amount of stimulation from both the outside and the inside.

JOHN  
(breathing into Sherlock's ear)  
You surprised me, but I know today held some surprises for you, as well. You, walking into your bedroom to find all your toys lined up on the bed.

SHERLOCK  
God, John!

JOHN  
But more than that, you were gobsmacked to find out how much I've wanted you over the years... just how horny I have been for you all this time, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
(straining)  
How vain you must think I am, John.

JOHN  
Shhh... no talking, Sherlock. You're too close to coming now... So close. I can feel it.

  
John strokes Sherlock's rock-hard penis more firmly while massaging his prostate more intensely. Sherlock buries his head into his forearms in preparation.

JOHN  
It has nothing to do with vanity, Sherlock. How gratifying it must have been for you to find out that all your attempts to entice me over the years... you prancing about the flat in your tight shirts, lounging in your chair draped in your silky dressing gowns, or wrapped in nothing but a sheet... driving me fucking mad with desire... Sherlock, they were far more successful than you ever imagined.

SHERLOCK  
Aaahhh!

JOHN  
Oh God. Come, Sherlock. Come for me.

  
Sherlock comes, loud and long. John doesn't let go of Sherlock until he's spilled the last drop. Even after, John lays his head on Sherlock's chest, reluctant to leave his side. Sherlock slumps against the shower wall, completely spent. John washes his hands carefully and proceeds to soap up his own body. 

JOHN  
Two orgasms in one day... within an hour of each other. You should be very proud of yourself, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
Only two? It feels like nearly a dozen.

JOHN  
That's because you have an active imagination, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK  
And evidently your imagination is more vivid than I give you credit for.

  
A satisfied grin grows on John's face.

JOHN  
Come here. Let's get you cleaned up.

John pulls Sherlock to stand under the shower head. John gets out some shampoo and washes Sherlock's hair.

JOHN  
Mmm, these curls.

Sherlock sighs happily at John’s touch. John applies some conditioner and runs his fingers through Sherlock's hair.

JOHN  
(huskily)  
I can't get enough of them. Fuck.

Sherlock looks down and gestures at John's new erection in surprise.

SHERLOCK  
John... really?

JOHN  
Yeah, I'll need to let you finish washing up on your own because apparently I can't even bloody touch you in the shower without going rigid.

John tries to get out of the shower. Sherlock catches him by the wrist. Sherlock smiles wryly at him.

SHERLOCK  
Are you sure I can't help you out with that?

JOHN  
(chuckling)  
I really don't think orgasming three times within one afternoon is a possibility for me, despite what my willy might think. But thank you for the offer. I'll go start my chores.

Sherlock lets him go.

SHERLOCK  
(winking)  
See you soon.

John regards Sherlock with a sudden and unexpected soft look, making Sherlock's heart rate spike for a moment. John leaves the bathroom.

  
INT. KITCHEN - 15 MINUTES LATER

  
John, dressed, pulls ingredients out of the cupboard and refrigerator. Sherlock, also dressed, enters. Sherlock and John smile at each other coyly, in the manner of two people who have spent the whole day having spicy sex with each other.

  
JOHN  
Hello.

  
SHERLOCK  
Hello. Er... so what's the plan? When would you like me to fetch Rosie?

John quickly checks the kitchen clock.

JOHN  
Five. Five-thirty. Thanks, by the way. It'll give me a chance to get a good start on the housework and dinner.

SHERLOCK  
Well, then I have forty-five minutes to spare. What can I help with?

JOHN  
Erm, nothing really. You picking up Rosie is help enough, believe me.

SHERLOCK  
I'd still like to help.

  
John retrieves a rice cooker from a cabinet.

JOHN  
No need.

SHERLOCK  
Yes.

Sherlock tries to take the rice cooker out of John's hands. John glares at Sherlock for acting like a pest.

SHERLOCK  
I insist.

JOHN  
(annoyed)  
For God's sake, why?

SHERLOCK  
(flustered)  
Because I want to be a better partner, John!

John freezes and looks at him with surprise and love, which worries Sherlock. Sherlock gently takes the rice cooker from him and sets it on the counter.

SHERLOCK  
(quickly, nervously)  
I constantly stick you with all the housework, and it is high time I start pulling my weight around here... that is, until Rosie is old enough that I can teach her how to unclog the toilet and take out the bins... which I plan to do in the next four months or so. But she's rather bright, so maybe just two.

John laughs; Sherlock is relieved.

SHERLOCK  
(quietly)  
Give me a task, John.

JOHN  
Right. You can start a load of towels in the washer.

John points to the laundry basket in front of the washing machine. Sherlock grimaces at it with uncertainty.

SHERLOCK  
Er...

  
John measures out dry rice and looks over at Sherlock standing idly in front of the washer.

JOHN  
What?

SHERLOCK  
I don't actually know how to do laundry.

JOHN  
Come on. It's just towels.

SHERLOCK  
Still no. Unfortunately.

John turns to look at Sherlock in shock.

SHERLOCK  
What? I take everything to the cleaners.

JOHN  
What? Everything? Sheets, towels, socks and knickers? Everything?

SHERLOCK  
(perturbed)  
John, in ten years have you ever once seen me use the washing machine?

JOHN  
(shaking his head)  
Unbelievable. Do they look at you strange when you drop off your dirty socks and sopping wet towels?

SHERLOCK  
Well, not any more since I've been sneaking those particular items into your and Rosie's laundry bins.

JOHN  
(sighing)  
Okay. Well. I'll need to give you a tutorial on how to do laundry another day...  
(thinking)  
Let's put you on food prep instead.

Sherlock nods and rolls up his shirt sleeves in anticipation. John sets up a cutting board, knife, and vegetables.

JOHN  
We're doing a stir fry, so these vegetables need to be chopped. To do that you'll need to --

SHERLOCK  
(interrupting, surly)  
Unlike laundry, I am not totally useless in the kitchen, John. You'll find I'm excellent at chopping things. Big dice is one-centimeter cubed, small dice is a half-centimeter cubed, minced is two-millimeters cubed. Which do you want?

But John is giving Sherlock the soft look of love again.

SHERLOCK  
(alarmed, quietly)  
Don't say it John.

John looks confused.

SHERLOCK  
I'm not ready to hear the words that accompany that particular look.

John turns away and fills the rice cooker. Sherlock frets that he has upset John, but Johns seems unruffled.

JOHN  
I'll just say thank you instead. And big dice is fine. But mince the garlic.

SHERLOCK  
Very good.  
(after pause, softly)  
And you’re welcome.

They work contently side by side at the counter. There’s no place they’d rather be than right by each other’s side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course, their safeword would have to be Vatican Cameos.  
> This is a WIP (work in progress) and I plan to finish it. I'm hoping to have the next chapter up in late March 2021.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> This is a Work In Progress and I do plan to finish it.  
> The chapters are getting longer so, a new chapter will be posted approximately once a month.


End file.
